I feel lost. Lost in my thoughts. Lost in my feelings. Lost in my life. My world has been turned upside down. And yet I still held onto hope. Hope for what? Jake had left me a note. And in it he had called me Sweetie. It was so unexpected. I had recently slapped him. And yet… he protected me. To do all that he did does shows some level of caring, doesn’t it? And that means he must actually have feelings for me, right? And that is where I am… lost. I don’t want him to have feelings for me! I wanted him to … want me for sex! To make him suffer… or, to make me feel good about myself… or, to make me feel in control? I don’t want to be… owned. But it felt so nice… just being liked… and cared about. Without sex. Being accepted for just being me. BUT, sex is who I am!!! These feelings are like … alien to me. Just be his friend. Right. I don’t understand just being “friends”.
And these are the lost thoughts that occupy my mind. I don’t know what I want. I think of the Animal Sex we had. So violent and so passionate. Painful. But we were in sync. We both wanted it. No. Wait. Jake didn’t know what he was doing. Yes, we came together, and yet, we were from two different worlds. And now that I think back it was always that way when we had sex. It was just me. There was no Jake. It was like the Animal Sex was the culmination … the turning point. And it was Animal Sex. But does that make us animals? And if Jake wasn’t there… then, that would make me… the only animal?
Ivan called and said the next shoot would be outside again. Great. He actually apologized for the last shoot. He had heard that I got sick. He said no more shoots in the rain. I didn’t tell him that, well, the last shoot turned out far better than expected. He said the next shoot we would be dressed up like Pix. What are Pix? Old Scottish clan tribes. They wore animal skins and carried swords and shields and bows. Sort of like Vikings. Oh, I know Vikings. I watch that show. Well, imagine yourself as Vikings then. It doesn’t really matter all that much. The shoot was going to be in some farmer’s field and at night. But he promised there would be large heaters so everyone would be kept warm. I asked if I could have a beaver skin outfit. Sure. Jake would definitely like that. I was starting to look forward to this shoot. Being a warrior princess! I liked to dress up and imagine myself as someone else. Oh, I said goodbye to Ivan and as usual, he said he would call back later with further details.
And so, he did. I met up with Piper and Josie at the Mansion. Our fitted costumes were already there. And sure enough mine was like a beaver bikini. It was nice and soft. There was a personal trainer that gave us the basics on weaponry. The weapons were just props anyway. We had our hair braided and a tattooist tattooed our entire bodies with non-permanent ink. I don’t understand the appeal of tattoos. I know Josie has a snake that winds up her leg with its head hidden by her pubic hair. That is kind of cool. I have seen the head close up! Jake showed up just as we were getting inked. He asked how I was feeling? I’m okay. I really have no clue what to say to him! He is so annoying! Well, not really. Jake took some pictures and I even managed to smile a bit. Stuck my tongue out at him. I asked him if he wanted to finger my beaver. He just laughed. I was serious! So, I laughed too.
After being fully Vikingized, we hopped in the van with our gear and adorned in animal skins and Jake drove out to the farmer’s field. It was later in the evening and there were smokers and fires and yes, space heaters too. An entire crew was set up with extra eerie like lighting. The field and the woods around it were filled with fake smoke. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to going into the woods. It was possible there might be white rabbits. But Jake was there and that was comforting. I felt protected with him around. And there was the crew.
The woods were really creepy. I gritted my teeth and we got to work. Jake taking his photos of the DICE as warrior queens. Warrior queens wearing hardly any clothing brandishing weapons they knew hardly anything about. We emerged from the woods like vicious stalking hunters who would probably scream at the site of a mouse. The smoke wrapped around our tattooed bodies and cast haunting, swirling shadows. Jake just kept snapping his photos. Lighting was hardly needed as there was a full moon above the field. We then took a little break and stood by the heaters. I could see bats flitting around in the moonlight. Someone brought out some fake blood and we applied it to our arms as if we had been in some major battle. And then we posed again in our best warrior like poses. Blood dripping from our swords. I had a lot of fun. In fact, I almost forgot that we weren’t Vikings. I didn’t even think about sex. We did expose our tattooed tits and an oily based blood was lightly sprayed on us. We even had blood dripping from our chins! We looked fierce! But it was still late Fall and even with the heaters, the air was cool. Jake finished his photos and there was a place where we could wash off most of the blood and some of the tattoos.
The crew was left to clean up. And Jake drove us back the Mansion. On our way, he asked if we wanted to go for some pizza and sodas. Yes! More time to spend with Jake! I was so caught up with being a Viking princess, the time just went by incredibly fast and I wasn’t thinking about Jake. Like at all. So, this was perfect. Jake stopped at some pizza joint and we took a booth. I sat across from Jake. I thought that was safer. Safer from what??? We ordered Hawaiian pizza and soda pops. We started telling stories of growing up. We laughed and Jake talked a lot about Easter Bay and hunting and fishing and exploring and his parents and animals … did I say he talked a lot. Oh, Piper and Josie talked too. I can’t exactly remember what they said… I told them… really, I was speaking to Jake… how I was an orphan and told them, Jake, about my adoptive parents and how they were nice and treated me well. Blablabla… I don’t remember talking that much with anyone about my life… but Jake, did seem genuinely interested… in me.
And then Jake said the strangest thing. There were only three more shoots left. And everything just stopped. We just looked at each other not saying anything. And finished our pizza and sodas… It was like a magical moment had just disappeared and was replaced by … reality.
Jake drove us all back to the Mansion. Nothing was really said. I had intended to have Jake help me get cleaned up, but for some reason I changed my mind. Even though the thought of his hands on me was very hard to resist. And if he did help me wash off the tattoos, then we would end up having sex… and somehow, that just wasn’t appealing. Jake even asked if we needed any help getting cleaned up. But we said we were fine and he could go home. And then, he asked again! Piper and Josie gave him a brief hug. And I whispered in his ear Thanks for everything Jake. And kissed his cheek. He seemed a bit disappointed. But I watched him as he drove away. What the hell was I thinking???
We went inside and soon we were in the shower washing each other. The shower was nice and hot. And I did enjoy touching Piper and Josie. They both had some nice flesh. I wasn’t really into sex though. There has to be something wrong with me? This used to be my thing! And I kissed them, and fingered them, and licked them… but it wasn’t doing anything for me! And I think they knew that. No full-on fuck mode. And why the hell wasn’t Jake here??? After all the times we have been naked together in the shower under the guise of helping us clean up, this was like the one time we could have used his help! I mean I am naked in the shower with Piper and Josie and I am thinking about Jake! But not sexually… I mean not really sexually. I just wanted… him here. God, he is so annoying! Even when he is not here!
And… there is only going to be three more shoots.
Piper and Josie ended up leaving together. I decided to stay overnight at the Mansion. By myself. This was not how my night was supposed to end. Alone. I went into the master bedroom where Jake and I… had been together. The bed seemed so empty and lifeless. I was wearing the shirt I stole from Jake. I could smell him. I got under the covers and curled up in a fetal position. It was soon all going to be over. I wanted Jake to be here with me, but I was glad he wasn’t. What was I going to do? Have I become obsessed? With Jake? And what would happen … when it was over? How was I to keep going on with my life?
I cried. I sobbed. I cried myself to sleep.
I was swimming. In a lake. The water was warm and I seemed quite buoyant. I swam easily like I was made for the water. There was a dock and I swam around it. This way and that. I guess I was exploring. I dove down into the water. This was fun. Finally, I walked out onto a beach like area. The sun was warm and it felt good. I looked up the hill and noticed a young boy watching me. Oh well. I wandered around the beach picking up things. I ended up sitting down and when I looked up the hill again, the young boy was gone. He must have found something more interesting to look at than me. I went back into the water and decided to find some adventures at another part of the lake. I swam away.
Badger Unfiltered 