I went back, as planned, to Easter Bay for the remainder of the Christmas holidays. Some holiday. Some say that Christmas is like the most depressing time of the year. It has this huge magical like effect of excitement and anticipation of which I fell right into… and then, reality sets in… and your world crashes. Maybe not for everyone, but it certainly did for me. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see Aurora so bad. See her smile. See her glow. See her open my present. But it didn’t happen. But… I told myself there was still one more shoot left. Piper said Aurora was dealing with… things. And that is plausible. Right? So, maybe, I will see her again. And that got me through the holidays.
Mom had the cabin all lit up with Christmas cheer. Snow was falling across the Bay… gently like snow on graves. The tree was decorated with all the familiar ornaments. A few friends and family were coming over to share Christmas dinner. And I did my best to put on a positive demeanor. Mom wasn’t so much about presents. She felt that Christmas was more about people coming together. And she opened up our home. There was plenty of food. Turkey and potatoes and gravy and carrots and peas and sweet potatoes and bread made the cabin smell and taste of warmth. Spirits flowed and there were conversations about dreams and aspirations mixed in with laughter and song. After dinner, card games were played and more songs were sung. And there were smiles and a truly festive ambiance. And I went along with everything… almost merrily. And yet, in the back of mind… always in the back of my mind…
After a round of hugs and well wishes and thanks, goodbyes were made. And soon, I found myself lying in bed staring at the ceiling. A large beaver staring back at me. I had beaver shots all over my walls. I could hear the wind blowing outside. It used to comfort me when I was younger. Something about being in my own bed… at home. I wasn’t thinking about beavers. The bottom of my feet tingled like they were being poked. I saw black and white flashes… images… that I couldn’t focus on. Somehow, I should know. Know what? A strong smell… sort of like when you can smell burnt toast days later even though there is none. I could smell something… someone… Aurora. I closed my eyes.
I woke the next day. Mom was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen. She said good morning. Good morning. I sat down at the kitchen table. She made us some coffee. And then sat down as well. Looked at me and asked what was wrong? How did she know something was wrong? Because you are my son. You put on a brave face, but something is definitely bothering you. I couldn’t really speak. I didn’t know what to say. I just shook my head. Is it a girl? I looked at her and then hung my head. I felt stupid like a puppy who had just lost its bone. Was it that obvious? She touched my hand and spoke softly to me. Words of advice, but not really words of advice… more, words of understanding. Just enough. She got up, gave me a hug and kiss and went back to cleaning the kitchen. She was always busy. I stayed until just after New Year’s Day.
Back to the city. In my… Chevy Nova… that strangely, no longer smelled of vanilla. I didn’t have a New Year’s resolution, but thought it might be something like not trying to understand women. That seemed appropriate. Like really, how did I get into such a mess??? I am a simple photographer. Nothing more. And I had one more shoot to get through. That’s it. Done. And I could turn my attention to planning an excursion into the wilderness to film wild beavers in the wild! One more shoot. Would Aurora be there? I wanted to see her and yet… part of me kind of hoped… that she wouldn’t be there. Because if she was… then, I would have to say goodbye. That thought bothered me.
Ivan called. He said the shoot was going to be at a hotel room. Not the same one as before, but a more luxurious one with a jacuzzi and large bed and shower and I should enjoy myself since it was the final shoot of the contract. He asked if I was excited. Sure. I was tempted to ask if Aurora would be there… but I didn’t. He said it would be a full lingerie shoot. Meaning, a lot of different lingerie would be used by the DICE. I wish it was already over. I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. Foreboding. But I had a job to do.
The day arrived. The weather was bleak. Overcast and wet. A light drizzle was falling that made the snow slushy. I drove my no longer vanilla smelling Chevy Nova to the hotel. The room was on the top floor and I knocked on the door. It opened. I remembered the last time I knocked on a hotel room door. Aurora answered. This time, however, Amber answered. No Aurora. Amber smiled and invited me in. She did have a nice smile. I hated it. Not really. Piper and Josie came up and gave me a hug. They were already in their underwear. I got out my camera and once again I got to work. They posed on the bed and on the couch and in the bathroom in various types of lingerie. They posed individually and together. They posed taking off their outfits. I still find it amazing that so little material like lingerie can be so seductively, provocatively… stimulating. They posed in the shower and the jacuzzi wearing their underwear and soon the underwear was off altogether and they just posed nude. Laughing and carrying on. And then what usually happened… happened. They started kissing more… and then more… they were kissing before, but that was like tease kissing for the camera. Now, it was pure physical. Once more, tongues and fingers began exploring. Moans as they touched their wet bodies in the jacuzzi. They moved from the jacuzzi to the bed and I just kept snapping my photos. Their hair and Josie’s snake and Piper’s full… chest… even Amber with her red short hairs were all being touched and… licked and still the moans and gasps.
I was done. I finished while they were still … doing. I left and went home. It was over. Everything was over. I know I should have said goodbye. At least to Piper and Josie. Even to Amber. Amber really didn’t do anything wrong. It was the last shoot so I did feel guilty about that. But… I just couldn’t. There was nothing left. I went back to my apartment. I would send off the photos later. At that moment, I just wanted to sit and be alone. I had the white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in my hand. I brought them up to my face. There was no smell. It too, was gone. I looked and noticed even the faint yellow stain had faded away. My eyes watered. And the tears trickled down my cheeks. All I could do was wipe them… with her panties. And admit, she really was gone.
The next day was still bleak. Overcast. The city still moved, but to me, it was dead. I had to do something besides wallow in self-pity. I got dressed and grabbed my scarf and headed out. To do what? I really don’t know. Nor, did I care. Maybe, like winning the lottery or something, I would find her. I mean, in a huge city, there was a chance. Right? So, I wandered the downtown streets… lost in my thoughts. I soon dreaded my decision. The city was active, but the people seemed just as miserable as I was. How could you not be with slush and drizzle and the promise of Christmas debts that would have to be repaid? It was windy. Sleet blew in my face. And then, a bus came right by me, hit a pothole and splashed slush and dirt and grime and whatever else across my legs. Instantly wet and cold. It just kept on going. Some people stared at me. I just looked around like what??? Could things get any worse???
There was a bar right on the corner beside a liquor store. I went inside the bar to get warm and felt I, right now at that moment, DESERVED at least one drink! I grabbed a stool at the bar. The bartender, who vaguely reminded me of Harry Connick Jr., with slightly dopey eyes, asked what I wanted. I was tempted to say a Screwdriver, but I needed something more… manly. Rye and ginger. And soon he returned. I sat for the longest time just staring at it with my wet legs and sore chest. I sipped and it tasted good. It warmed me and my chest relaxed. A guy came up to me and asked if I remembered him. Should I? Well, you busted my nose and I just wanted to apologize… for pushing down the girl. Can I buy you a drink? Actually, he insisted on buying me a drink. Then, from farther down the bar an old man approached me. It was the actor! From the Sensational Bar! He really works at getting into character! How you doing young man? Did you work things out with your lady friend? Broken nose said you know him? Yup, did some work with him. A beautiful woman ended up slapping him good! And the old man insisted on buying me a drink! I now had a couple drinks and everyone wanted to know about Aurora. I told them it was over. But you did like her, didn’t you? She was nice. Yes. Okay, I liked her… but it is over. The bartender came back over interested in my story. So, who is this woman? The old man said she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. And she slapped him! Busted nose said she was beautiful too and… when he pushed her down, which he regretted, this guy came and broke my nose! I looked sheepishly at the bartender and just nodded. Here is another drink on the house.
By this time, I was feeling like… really good. I started telling them about how beautiful she really was… and about her white lace panties with the faint yellow stain… but that they no longer smelled and the yellow stain had faded away. Soon, there were other people who wanted to hear my story of woe. Men and women. I talked about the photo shoots and how I only did it because I wanted to photograph wild beavers in the wild. Men were saying, who doesn’t? Women were asking if they could help! And the drinks flowed. Broken nose said he had to leave, but by this time I had a crowd around me. The old man looked like he was fully in the bag. Men shook my hand and offered condolences. Women came up and hugged and kissed me. Some were crying. Fairy Tale of New York by the Pogues was playing and everyone started to sing along. I was feeling really good. I had a sheepish smile and laughed and sang and it was a great party. Harry Connick Jr. was happy with the business. And the raucous festivity carried on late into the evening. I almost wished it wouldn’t end. But it did. I looked around for my scarf, but couldn’t find it. Several women offered to take me home. Burping… I respectfully declined.
I made it outside while everyone wished me all the best and flagged down a cab. I was completely hammered. He drove me and my now dry filthy pants home. I made it inside my apartment. Got undressed and flopped down on my bed. And when my head hit the pillow my last thought was… she never even said… goodbye.
Badger Unfiltered 