I was stalling. And I knew it. I just didn’t know why. Or maybe I did. I received my sponsorship money and it was a very nice endowment for my dreams. And yet… I was stalling. Most of my life, all I dreamt about was being a naturalist photographer filming wild beavers in the wild. And now, I just cannot get her out of my mind. Aurora. I spent almost a year with Aurora, Piper, and Josie. It was just supposed to be a job. I feel like something changed in me. I remember being shocked that first time in the hotel. Almost traumatized. I found out they were escorts. And the things they did… that I witnessed. And then I got used to it. Was I desensitized or did I actually enjoy it? They were beautiful. They ARE beautiful. But Aurora… it always comes back to her. It is like she has a hold on me. Her kiss…
It’s early Spring. The harshness of Winter is fading away. I have to make plans. Even though I really don’t want to. Like I said, I have been stalling. Life goes on. My time with the DICE is over. I just have to accept it. Her white panties are still on my nightstand. They have totally lost their scent. But I still keep them. Like a memento or something. Funny, but the warmth of Spring does bring a sense of new life and adventure. And as somber as I had felt, I cannot help but now feel more invigorated.
I have to get out of my apartment and do something! I have always wanted a telephoto lens so I head to my favorite camera shop. I knew I would need one because getting close to furry, wet beavers in the wild would be a challenge. This would allow me to keep a safe distance without spooking the smelly animals. The camera shop wasn’t too busy and I enjoyed walking around looking at all the cameras and equipment. Maybe one day, I will have my own camera shop. A gentleman came up and asked if I needed any help. And we started talking shop. He said it was nice to talk to someone who understood photography. He said the last customer had no clue and even though it was tedious he helped her purchase a very nice camera and lenses. We all have to start somewhere. I smiled when I thought of my first camera. If I hadn’t got into photography… I never would have met… Aurora. Life is strange sometimes. Anyway, I purchased my telephoto lens and thanked the man.
I was eager to try it out. I went home and put it down at my desk. It came with its own case. It was too big for my standard camera bag. I sat at my desk and turned on my computer. My homepage was a picture of Aurora. That last night in front of the church… it was one of my favorite photos of her. My mind wandered. Okay. Okay, so I wanted to try out my new lens, but I felt like it should be a nature shot. And the best place I knew for that was Easter Bay. And that made me decide that it was time for a new reel! I heard there was going to be a big sale in a couple weeks at the sporting goods store at the mall. My mom always taught me to spend wisely. Even though I had the money.
And so, a couple weeks later, I headed to the mall. Even in just two short weeks, the weather was already significantly warmer. I drove my non-smelling Chevy Nova on a quest for a new reel. I didn’t take my camera in with me. I paused in front of the lingerie shop. Reminiscing. I really was lucky. I was almost tempted to go in. But I didn’t. I went on to the sporting goods store. I love this place just as much as the camera shop! I quickly decided I needed a cart. I realized there were a lot of things I needed more than just a reel. I grabbed a new tent, new set of hiking boots, waterproof of course, camo pants and shorts, bug spray, outdoor shirts and a new outdoor camo jacket, hat, sunglasses, even new socks, flashlight, beaver scent was very important! I have no idea what a beaver even smells like! I made my way to the fishing section where an older man with glasses asked if I needed any help. He looked in my cart and said I probably knew what I was looking for. I smiled and said I understood there was a particular reel on sale. Ahh… that one. I just sold it not too long ago to a young lady. Unlike you, she was a greenhorn. But she was adamant about learning how to fish. No, she bought the reel and a rod and other things. I even took her out into the warehouse and taught her how to cast. I forgot how fun it was to teach young people how to fish. Again, I smiled, I have been fishing since, well, almost before I learned to walk! We both laughed and he helped me pick out another reel. I was done. And so, home I went with my newest haul. And a couple days later, I headed for Easter Bay looking forward to trying out my new equipment.
It was nice to get out of the city. And it was Springtime! I had called ahead, but when I arrived there was no one home. A note on the table from Mom said that they went into town for some supplies. I brought my things into my bedroom. Beaver shots still adorned the walls. I ended up going down to the lake to take some photos with my new lens. I knew what it would do, I just didn’t realize how well it would work. And it worked! I mainly got pictures of birds, but that was ok. It worked beautifully! My excitement was rekindled to capture images of wild beavers in the wild!
Mom and Dad had still not returned so I decided to do a little fishing. With my new reel. I was going to take out the boat, but I didn’t want to miss them when they got back. Instead, I fished off the dock. There was a bench there where I had spent many days in my life fishing. The reel was working fine. I could hear the loons and the breeze through the trees, the lapping of the water on the dock. Oh, this was the life. I couldn’t believe how much I missed it. Fishing always gave time for reflection. Soothing. I imagined that young woman fishing for the first time. How brave it seemed. To not know what you are doing and trying it anyway. I imagined Aurora fishing. I laughed. That would be funny. In a way, I did see her fishing. At the cabin in the mountains. Of course, she ended up falling into the lake. And then, she kissed me. For the first time. And we slept together. I shook my head. A little tear leaked out of my eye. Sometimes… I don’t like thinking about her.
I heard a car pull up. It was Mom and Dad. I quickly wiped my eyes. Stupid. I was planning to go meet them, but I just waved. I needed to collect myself. And so, I just kept fishing. The sun was warm and high in the sky. Insects flittered about. It was a beautiful day. I saw Dad heading down from the cabin. I took a deep breath. Catch anything? Nothing yet. He sat down next to me and asked how I have been doing? He meant well. I believe that. But there are also times when someone asks you a question like that and you really don’t want to think about how you are doing! Fine. Been fine. He looks at me concerned. Are you okay? JESUS! I said I was fine, Dad. Does this have something to do with that girl? Your Mom mentioned something about a girlfriend. I don’t have a girlfriend. He nodded his head. We sat there silent for awhile. To do something I reeled in my line and cast it out again. Remember you asked me how I met your Mom? Well, I didn’t meet her in the woods and I sure didn’t club her over the head. She pursued me. And she scared me. She was beautiful, son. She still is. And she scared me. I mean, what could she possibly see in me? I doubted myself. I couldn’t understand my feelings. In many ways, she still scares me. Like being possessed. Anyway, we bumped into each other at the hardware store. I was looking at a new reel. She asked if I would take her fishing. And I said yes. Still, to this day, I wonder where my life would be if I had said no. I just looked at my Dad. He is rarely sentimental. I am so glad I said yes. I smiled and we hugged.
It was late and I was lying in my bed. I looked up at the giant beaver staring down at me. My spiritual animal. Wet and furry. Small little hands. I thought of Aurora. Why? We are like from two different worlds. It is absolutely impossible. She is an escort! She is so beautiful though. I imagine my room adorned not with beaver shots, but with Aurora shots. That photo of her wearing the red, satiny dress with black trim in front of the church… I couldn’t explain her to my parents! It was not how I was raised! I feel split in two. Dad, Mom, I would like to introduce you to Aurora the escort who makes money… doing things with other people! Oh, and by the way, I photographed her DOING those things! Right. Impossible. Why do I feel so ashamed??? She kissed me, Mom. Dad, I slept with her. I can’t stop thinking about her! Her smile. Her laugh. Her smell. I had a pair of her underwear, Mom. I still have it. They were lacey white panties with a faint yellow stain and they smelled of… Aurora. Mom, they no longer have a scent!
What are these thoughts??? And yet, she is also a person. A human being. A strange human being, but still a human being. That morning… when a sunray radiated her face… she was smiling. I wondered what she was dreaming about? I wanted to crawl back into bed with her. But I was scared. And when she kissed me… maybe, she really wanted to kiss me. Maybe, it wasn’t just the drugs. And when she said Thanks for everything Jake and kissed me on the cheek… I ignored that too… And now, she is gone. And I feel empty.
Why didn’t she say goodbye? I didn’t want to say goodbye.
I stayed at Easter Bay for a few more days. Nothing was said about… well, about my problems. I had a really good time being home. Went fishing with Dad. Helped Mom cook. Hiked around the bay and took some great pictures. Photographed some deer, elk, a Golden Eagle even. I didn’t see any beavers, but that was okay. Dad said maybe I should start my hunt for beavers here at Easter Bay. After all, this was where I first saw one. Maybe it was a sign. I could also save money. I told him I would seriously think about it. And I meant that. But first there were things I had to wrap up in the city.
I was stalling… again. And I knew it… again.
Back in the city I started to walk the streets… searching. At Easter Bay I would hike through the forest looking for the elusive beaver not even sure there was one. In the city, I was hiking the streets looking for Aurora and not knowing if she still lived here. I could not call Ivan. As tempting as that might be. But I just knew he would never give me her number… or any of her personal information. Hey! StarDreamers! She was a member of the DICE. I never thought of that before. I created a profile. And searched… for the Diamond Club Experiment. And I found it. And I found Amber. She was the only one left. Aurora was gone. Piper and Josie were gone too. What happened?
I kept wandering the streets. My lease for my apartment would soon end. I couldn’t stay much longer. I even drove by the Mansion in my non-smelling Chevy Nova. No one was there. It was like a ghost house now. So much had happened there. And still I kept wandering… hopelessly searching. I sat in front of the lingerie shop for almost a whole day… and nothing. I passed a pet store while out walking and looked in the window. I always wanted a dog so I entered the shop. They didn’t have any currently I was told. So, I just looked at the other animals. There was a pen of rabbits. Among them was a white rabbit. I chuckled. It was so cute. Aurora would have freaked. The manager came up and asked what I was laughing about. Nothing. And I left the store.
I had given my notice to vacate my apartment. I had a week left. I had already packed and moved most of my things to Easter Bay.
I didn’t know what to do. I was looking through the photos of the DICE. Looking through photos of Aurora. I smiled as I looked at her trying to catch a baseball. And all that melted soft serve ice cream in the back of my car. I realized tomorrow was when we had done that shoot last year! I guess that would be as good a place as any to say goodbye.
The next day I drove my car towards that specific baseball field. The day was just as I remembered it. Warm and sunny. Clear blue skies. I believe it is important to say goodbye. To end one chapter in your life and begin another. I listened to the radio play a song by Van Morrison called Days Like This. It was nice. Windows were down. Driving my non-smelly Chevy Nova. I pulled up to the field. There were people using it. I sat in my car and watched them for awhile. People just enjoying a sunny day. Maybe I should take some pics. No. I wanted to be alone. Feel the loneliness. I will be alone when I photograph wild beavers in the wild. I decided to find another park and on my way I noticed that ice cream shop. I cannot remember the last time I had vanilla ice cream. I went through the drive-thru and ordered a medium soft serve vanilla ice cream cone. Nice! Maybe I should chuck it into the backseat! Let it melt.
Instead, I headed to another park. This park was quiet. Almost dream like. I walked in and found a picnic table where I could sit and enjoy my soft serve vanilla ice cream cone in peace. It was only then, that I realized I left my camera in the car. Oh well, I will survive. So, I sat and licked my cone. Just enjoying the day. Thinking this will probably be my last day in the city for quite some time. Yes, saying goodbye. The only company I had were some birds and the odd squirrel. Robins, Blue Jays, Sparrows… all going about their business. Excited by the Spring. Future plans. The ice cream was really good. Vanilla. I remembered that shoot… the wrestling one with vanilla lubricant! I couldn’t help but laugh. The DICE were fun. Crazy, but still fun.
I didn’t finish my cone. I turned and tossed it into a garbage can. When I turned back… in the distance… there was someone walking towards me. It was… Aurora. What??? What was she doing here??? I looked around quickly. Was I dreaming? I must be dreaming. My heart started to beat faster. My eyes snapped back to her. She had stopped. She was stamping her feet! Like in frustration or something. Oh no. She is so strange. And she is wearing… hiking boots? She doesn’t wear hiking boots. But there she was. Camo shorts, a backpack, of course her sunglasses, the baseball cap on backwards… a fishing rod? What was she doing with a fishing rod??? Over one shoulder hung a camera… I wish I had mine. She looked… beautiful. Angry and frustrated… but still beautiful. She was flailing her arms like she was being bothered by bugs and talking to herself. She stamped her boots once more and began to walk towards me again. She tripped. She tripped and fell on her face! I just watched. I wanted to get up and help her, but she scared me. I couldn’t move! She was soon up on her feet, looking more irritated. I noticed the pendant I gave her hanging from her neck. She actually wears it…? She brushes off her knees. I see her take a deep breath and she quickly walks up to me. She is right in front of me. We are alone. I hope I don’t do anything stupid or say anything stupid. I wait for her.
Hey.
I say hey back. I still have no clue what to say. I still have no clue what to do! I missed her so much. I just have no clue. Help me, Aurora. Be strange.
She sits down. I, ahhh…
She is trying to say something, but she is struggling. I just stare at her. Her hair, her face… her hands. She is wringing her hands… she takes another deep breath…
Jake. I have to… oh, man… I have to… tell you something…
I continue to stare… I don’t want to scare her away… I am scared…
I have to… apologize… to you… and, well, I am not used to saying sorry…
I think… apologize… for what? Not saying goodbye? She looks down at her hands… I see her lip quiver.
I am sorry… I am so sorry… Jake.
And then she just starts saying sorry… sorry for this and sorry for that… and the whole time, I am not really listening… I am just looking at her… tears are running down her face… why is she so upset? What did I do??? I reach out to touch her face… and she slaps my hand away. Oops. Bad idea. I just continue to listen to her say sorry over and over again… I want to… hold her and say everything is okay. I want to smell her hair… feel her warmth. She stops talking. I notice her hands going up to her face. What? They touch her sunglasses…
No! Aurora, NO!
She grits her teeth. Yes Jake!
And she takes off her sunglasses… I am shocked… I am dizzy… bewildered… my jaw dropped… I can’t think… I can only stare in disbelief…
Aurora… what are you??? Her lip just quivers… her face turns red…
I am sorry, Jake.
And then, this pure clean feeling of awareness washes over me… over my mind… I sense the world around me… I sense Aurora like… like I have never sensed anything or anyone before… the blue skies above were clear penetrated by beams of sunlight… and they… the black fog… that black fog that had plagued my thoughts… dissipated. The whole time, which was like captured in a photo, for us alone, I just stared at her… at Aurora.
I remember…
I touched her face…
Aurora, I remember… I remember everything. You did say goodbye, after all.
Badger Unfiltered 