Author: badger7734

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 18

What time is it?  I weakly open my eyes.  I am lying on my stomach.  I don’t think I have even moved.  I still cannot move.  I blink my eyes trying to focus.  I turn my head and see Piper and Josie sitting by the bed looking worried.  The events come back to me.  My bum hurts.  Piper leans in.  Are you okay?  Yeah.  Do you want us to call the police?  For what?  Well, he raped you.  No, he didn’t.  Although, it did hurt.  It also felt really good.  I have never experienced sex like that before.  Piper said we were like animals fucking.  Yeah, animal sex.  How long have I been out?  About 12 hours.  I am still exhausted… and sore.  Can you get me a couple painkillers?  Josie leaves and comes back.  They raise my head, because I am still so weak, and I take the medicine.  They asked if I wanted them to stay and I said no, you can go.  I will be fine.  Just need to rest a bit more.  And I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. 

It was late afternoon when I woke up again.  I was still tired and weak and although, my muscles, and ass hurt, I was able to take a shower and get cleaned up.  Even drying myself off was a major effort.  I got dressed, called a cab and went home.  It was all a blur.  It wasn’t just physical exhaustion.  I was also mentally depleted.  I crawled into my own bed, closed my eyes and once again, I was out. 

I woke up… again, and just stared at the ceiling.  I was trying to process what had happened.  Piper called it Animal Sex.  I had heard of make-up sex, but since I was never in a relationship, I didn’t know what that was like.  But Animal Sex?  That was definitely the most primal unrestrained sex I have ever had.  I realized that no one, or very few, could have ever had Animal Sex.  I mean Jake doesn’t know what he is doing.  He cannot remember having sex with me at all.  I know if he did, he wouldn’t have done what he did and therefore no Animal Sex.  Yes, I knew what was happening, but I was just as engaged and enraged and violent as he was.  I slapped him twice and yelled at him and it literally released the beast… the animal within him.  I will never slap him again.  A part of me was a little frightened by him.  What would he do next?  Choke me?  Or worse?  And yet, part of me wanted to have that same Animal Sex with him.  But … he wouldn’t remember.  I want him to know and yet I don’t want him to know.  I am confused and afraid.  I don’t understand my feelings.

I was sore for almost a week.  I had no sexual desires or impulses of any kind.  It was like they had been ripped out leaving me ravaged by new thoughts.  I had experienced sex on a level that I could only describe as the pinnacle of passion.  I realized that my out of body experience had changed the way I thought of sex.  It was no longer just a physical act.  It was definitely spiritual.  And Jake had given that to me.  Opened my mind to new possibilities.  I am a Spiritual Healer.  I always believed that was just a fancy or more politically correct way of saying escort.  Now, I wanted to connect with Jake emotionally.  I knew that would leave me in a vulnerable position.  I would have to become emotionally attached to him and not just physically.  Did I even want that?  And how?  What if I failed to get through to him?  I would be the one traumatized.

I decided I would have to interact with him in a way that was far more subtle.  Something that he would enjoy doing, but at the same time it would have to be work related.  Design a photo shoot.  One that I was more involved in setting up.  Now, where could that be?  We already had a western cowboy themed shoot so that was out.  I remember how stinky I was.  Seems so crazy now.  And it had absolutely no effect!  Accept on maybe the animals at the ranch.  What about a bar or saloon?  It doesn’t have to be another western theme, but it has potential. 

I called Ivan with my idea.  And he loved it.  He said the StarDreamers investors were just going over with him possible scenarios.  He said that we could be in evening dresses photographed sitting at an old-style saloon or pub even.  And it all developed from there.  We both looked around the town and I discovered the Sensational Pub!  It was perfect!  Ivan loved it.  We were both excited.  And I felt anticipation that Jake would also really like it.  Ivan worked with the owner and explained what he wanted and made the arrangements to come in after hours.  I wanted it to be so perfect.  And then I thought what about dogs.  I have no idea how I came up with that, but again, I called Ivan and he said dogs, what is the point?  They would be in the photos staring at us while we posed!  Oh, now he understood.  That would add a new dimension!  He liked it and said he would get to work on the dogs.  Later, he would call me back and said he worked out everything with the dogs and he also asked me, like as if this was MY project alone, about having a couple actors ignoring you while you posed with dogs looking at you.  Yes!  And they even have a poker room in the back so we could get some pictures there as well!  Who would have realized I would have so much fun arranging a shoot?  I couldn’t wait to work with Jake.  He would be so impressed!

I met with Piper and Josie at the mall and I guess Ivan told them this was my project and I would pick out the evening dresses, and jewellery and shoes and fancy underwear, anything I wanted to make the saloon shoot a success.  And did we go to town sparing nothing.  We had our hair done.  We had our nails done.  We picked out fancy jewellery… that was on a loan basis that Ivan arranged.  I don’t mind getting my hair done, but all the rest I would have preferred to … well, it just wasn’t me.  But then, this wasn’t for me!  It was for Jake.  We even picked out some make-up.  The things one must endure.  I almost, and I repeat almost, shaved!  But a line had to be drawn somewhere after all. 

At the time, I didn’t exactly realize what “after hours” meant.  It was going to take place in the wee hours of the morning.  Which was okay because well, we really had no choice.  I was so excited I arrived just as the pub was closing.  I met the actors and the old man and the man playing the bartender were very professional.  I met the dog trainers and their dogs and there were 3 types of dogs and I cannot remember what they were and I really didn’t care.  They were just props.  Piper and Josie showed up and we all got changed into our outfits.  I was just sooooo excited!!! 

Jake was the last to arrive and I literally flew to him in my white evening dress, high heeled shoes, red lipstick, bracelets, earrings, and necklace, and my white panties, although my white panties were covered… and okay, so I literally didn’t fly towards him.  In fact, I strolled casually towards him or… I don’t know… I was just sooooo excited to see him!  I pushed aside any thoughts of how annoying he was and tried to ignore that irritating lock of hair that hung down his forehead.  I took his hand and introduced him to the actors and the trainers and the dogs, although I didn’t know their names, and I even re-introduced him to Piper and Josie!  Just for fun.  He was really impressed with the pub and the entire set up!  I almost wet myself!  He liked it!  He liked what I had done!  It takes a lot to be so creative and it was almost like a special present just for him and his camera. 

And then we got to work.  The DICE posed at the bar on leather stools and the dogs were lined up in front of us staring and the old man sat at the end of the bar ignoring and the fake bartender pretending to be cleaning glasses and I made suggestions on different poses and I would ask Jake what he thought about us just posing with our dresses hiked up to our waists while we bent over and the dogs looked on and he gave the thumbs up and I knew he was taking pics and he was clearly having fun and then we pulled our panties down to our knees and then we pulled them off and spread our legs while the old man continued to ignore us drinking his beer and the dogs had their tongues hanging out and then our dresses came off and we posed nude with nothing but our jewellery and high heels and Jake kept snapping pics and we were all having a lot of fun!  The fake bartender poured us some champagne and we poured it onto ourselves and licked it off our bodies and the dogs were licking champagne off the floor and still Jake kept shooting.  It was incredible!  We then moved to the poker room and did some poses with the dogs in little gambling outfits.  The idea being the DICE were naked because they lost at strip poker to some dogs!  It was all in fun and the dogs, I have to admit were very well trained.  Finally, we took some selfies with the others involved raising glasses in a cheer with the dogs at our feet.  Of course, we put our dresses back on but no one seemed to mind. 

Finally, it was over.  I couldn’t believe how drained I was.  I wanted to talk to Jake and get his thoughts!  I hope he was proud of all my work.  Everyone was getting packed up and ready to leave.  I had to talk to him!  And no, I didn’t fly over to him.  I just walked over to him, still in my evening dress, and high heels, and red lipstick, and bracelets, and earrings, and necklace, and my white panties… although, I really tried to keep my thoughts off my panties.  He was packing up his camera.  Did you have fun tonight, Jake?  It was amazing!  It was so much fun.  I mean the dogs and the old man patron.  I cannot wait to see the pics.  I then told him how I so wanted to be professional and involved in the shoot.  I was talking to Jake!  It felt so good!

And then he said it.  You all did really good, kiddo.  I just looked at him.  I felt this boiling inside me!  KIDDO???  He looked at me bewildered and said, what?  I slapped him!  I FUCKING SLAPPED THAT SON OF BITCH AS HARD AS I FUCKING COULD!!!  I wanted to smash his face, but then I remembered the last time I slapped him and so I ran!  I was out the pub door so fast.  I heard the dogs howling and barking and hoped they were biting his nuts off!  I ran!  I didn’t know where I was running to… I just ran.  Have you ever seen movies where women are running with high heels and they pause to take them off and continue running with bare feet?  I always thought that was stupid.  I kicked off my shoes and threw them away and continued running to where I didn’t know.  I was upset and angry and he was a motherfucker and I was crying and I felt stupid and embarrassed… so I just ran. 

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 19

Disturbed.  Perturbed.  In Suburbia.  Disturbia… 

Sitting on my couch still wondering what I did.  Women!  I thought we were friends.  So, I called her kiddo?  I was just being… like… friendly!  I realize that I have not thought about wild beavers in the wild in awhile.  I cannot wait to get focused on just that.  I have Aurora’s white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in my hand and I bring it up to my face smelling its sweet scent.  I almost feel guilty inhaling her aroma.  But it still puts me at ease.  Aurora.  So strange. 

The phone rings.  It’s Ivan.  We just finished the shoot a couple hours ago.  What could he want?  I feel a sense of dread.  Hello.  What happened?  Ahhh, nothing really.  I was told you upset Aurora and she slapped you.  Is there something going on between you two?  No!  I mean, we’re just friends.  That’s it.  Did you call her kiddo?  Yeah.  Listen, Jake, you have done excellent work, but in all the time you have taken their photos you failed to realize they were WOMEN?  Not KIDDOS?  Umm, well, of course… I was just trying to be friendly.  I have to tell you something Jake, Aurora set up that entire shoot.  It was all her idea AND I got the distinct impression she did it for you.  Are you sure there is nothing going on between you two??  Because I do NOT want Aurora upset.  It was like all her idea?  Yes!  Wow.  I guess she was just being nice.  I am not going to mention this to the StarDreamers investors.  They would be very upset.  I spoke to Aurora and she said she was sorry she slapped you.  She said she had been drinking champagne and it was very early in the morning and she just emotionally over-reacted.  I thought she was drinking beer?  Jake!  Pay attention!  Everything is worked out.  Send me the photos when you get a chance.  Should I like apologize?  No!  Don’t even mention it.  I will call you later to arrange the next shoot. 

I didn’t know she arranged the entire shoot.  No wonder she was upset.  And she did it for me?  Everyone is saying don’t apologize.  I want to apologize.  I feel stupid.  Do all women make you feel stupid?  It must be something in their DNA.  Man, she slapped me hard.  Wicked, strange woman. 

Over the next couple weeks, I did my best not to think about Aurora.  Easier said than done.  The more you try not to think about something, it seems the more you think about that something.  That something being Aurora.  I was dreading, somewhat dreading, the next shoot.  I don’t know what I should say or how I should act.  I just don’t know.  She is my friend after all.  Isn’t she?

Ivan called and said the photos were great.  Some of the best so far.  He didn’t mention the slap at all.  I was relieved.  Maybe he just wanted to get past it and maybe I should too.  He said the investors wanted a photo shoot outdoors, but in the rain with the DICE wet.  So, the weather was going to be the factor.  Everyone would gather at the Mansion when there was a chance of rain.  And so, the following week when rain was forecast, we did just that.  Gathered at the Mansion.  There were no hugs this time.  The mood was somewhat tense.  The ladies had different outfits on.  Aurora was dressed in white jeans with a nice patterned top and black leather boots.  Piper and Josie had skirts and blouses with high heels.  Their clothing was not really important.  It was the rain that mattered. 

We set off in a van that morning heading for downtown.  It was Sunday morning so the city was not that busy.  It was sunny at first but the dark clouds soon moved in.  You could feel the drop in temperature.  And then the rain started.  They first posed at a fountain and with the rain and the water from the fountain and there was still sun streaming down I captured some great shots.  There was even a rainbow!  The DICE were soon soaked and dripping wet.  I thought it would be a good time to get some coffee and wait a few hours.  Find another location as well.  The ladies appreciated the idea although Aurora still seemed somewhat aloof.  And she started to sneeze a bit.  Our next location was a bench in the middle of the city.  The rain was really coming down now and I really limited the amount of shots we took.  They were cold and drenched.  Hot Chocolate!  They liked that idea as well and tried to warm up as much as they could.  Aurora was sneezing more, but she said she was fine.  I was a little concerned, but felt like I should just mind my own business.  A few hours later, in the early evening, we found a bus stop as our last location.  There were trees hanging over that were dripping with rainwater.  Even though the rain had lessened, it was still coming down.  As they posed, soaking and wet, three young men came walking up wondering what was going on.  They were not interested in me and it soon became apparent they were drunk.  One of them started to harass Aurora.  She swore at him.  And then he pushed her to the ground and into some mud.  I saw red.  I didn’t even think.  I just reacted!  I went and punched the guy in the face!  I must have broken his nose because blood gushed and he fell to the ground.  His buddies looked at me and decided to just pick their friend up and leave. 

Aurora looked at me.  She was sobbing.  Covered in mud.  I picked her up.  Her head was against my chest and she blew her nose into my shirt.  Snot was hanging from her nose.  Josie opened the van door and Piper got in first and helped me get Aurora in.  She has a fever.  What?  Piper had her hand on Aurora’s forehead and said again, she has a fever.  I drove them back to the Mansion as quickly as I could.  I have to admit I was concerned about Aurora… and getting out of my snot covered shirt.  We were all pretty much soaked, wet, and muddied. 

Once inside the Mansion, I carried Aurora to the upstairs bathroom.  We all agreed that she needed a hot bath.  At this point, she was pretty much out of it.  She said she was cold.  Piper and Josie seemed to know what they were doing getting Aurora undressed and into the hot water.  I asked if they needed my help and they said we could all use maybe some soup.  Great!  That I could do!  I went down to the kitchen which was well stocked.  Found some chicken broth and decided to make some chicken noodle soup.  There were chicken breasts in the freezer which I soon defrosted and cut into small chunks.  I fried them in olive oil with some red-hot sauce.  It would all be diluted in the broth anyway.  But would add just a bit of spice that I think we all needed.  Into the broth I added the chicken and some noodles and seasoned it with some salt and basil.  Normally, I would also add some veggies like carrots and celery, but the broth was more important.  I let it simmer. 

I was just about to head back upstairs when the ladies came back down.  Aurora was wearing flannel pajamas and looked worn out.  Piper helped Aurora to the couch and Josie covered her in a blanket.  Piper and Josie said they had to leave and could I watch over Aurora.  Me?  They said they had to go.  Okay.  Can I have a quick shower first?  Yes.  They would watch over Aurora while I had a shower.  I was cold myself.  I went back upstairs and got out of my wet and muddied clothes and snot covered shirt.  I cannot believe I cooked soup like that.  I got into the shower and let the hot water warm my body.  Strange, I suddenly had this strong sense of déjà vu.  I got cleaned up and put on some clean clothes I had brought with me for just this reason. 

I went downstairs.  Piper and Josie were still sitting with Aurora.  They said they had found some cold medication and given it to Aurora.  She was still hot though.  I asked them if they were going to have some soup, but they declined saying they really had to go… and so, they left.

Okay, now what?  I went and got a small bowl of soup for Aurora.  I cooled it down with a little milk so it was just warm.  I sat next to Aurora on the couch and tried handing her the bowl.  That didn’t work.  So, I spoon fed her.  And she ate the entire bowl.  Well, it was a small bowl.  She appeared dazed.  I set the bowl aside and wondered what I should do next.

Jake?

Yeah.

You hit that guy.  You smashed his face.

I reckon so.

Why?

He hurt you.  I could see her lip quivering. 

You did it for me?

Well, you’re my friend.  I then realized she may also be in shock.

Jake?

Yes.

I’m sorry I slapped you. 

That’s okay.  I’m sorry… I called you kiddo.  I smiled.  She gave me a hint of a smile back.  Hey, I understand you set up that entire shoot.  That was amazing work.

You really liked it? 

Yeah. 

Jake?

Yes.  Holy, this was dragging on.

I’m sorry, Jake.

No… ahhh… what?  And she leaned in … and kissed me.  Her lips.  They were soft.  I could taste the chicken noodle soup on her breath.  This is the second time she has kissed me.  This one seems… more sincere?  More honest?  She fell over into my arms.  I think she passed out.  The drugs!  Just like the last time she was medicated and probably didn’t know what she was doing or saying.  That was somewhat of a relief.  I guess.

I picked her up again and carried her upstairs to the master bedroom and got her into bed.  She spoke again and said she was cold and to please not leave her.  She wanted me to hold her for warmth.  I sighed.  Okay.  I already slept with her once and nothing happened so I think I was safe this time too.  I got undressed and slid in behind her.  As I put my arm over her, she placed it under her flannel pajama top with my hand on her very warm fleshy chest.  She held it there as she pushed herself back into me.  I could feel her heart beating.  I could feel her breathing.  Even through the flannel pajamas, I could feel her heat.  I could smell her.  I could smell her hair.  I could smell her sweat.  I could still taste the chicken noodle soup on her breath.  After she had kissed me.  Her lips were so soft.  I closed my eyes and drifted off.

When I awoke, she was facing me.  She was breathing steadier now and her breath gently caressed my face.  My hand was still on … her chest and she was no longer burning up.  Her fever had subsided.  I was almost tempted to stay, but thought if she woke up it would be really awkward.  I rolled her over and sighing, I removed my hand.  Quietly, I got dressed and went downstairs.  I noticed the soup and thought I should at least leave a note for Aurora.  I found a pen and a notepad.  Aurora, there is still plenty of soup.  You should have some more.  Hope you are feeling better… s… I was going to write slappy, but that just seemed stupid.  And it probably wouldn’t go over well.  So, I hastily wrote something else and signed it, Jake. 

Where should I leave it?  So, she could easily find it?  I didn’t want to wake her, but I went back upstairs anyway deciding to leave it on the night stand next to her.  I found her still asleep.  She was smiling.  It made me smile.  She must be having a nice dream.  A ray of sunshine radiated her face.  As I looked at her… it occurred to me how… I had taken so many photos of her and not really seen the human part of her.  The vulnerability.  Like at the lake when she was afraid.  Afraid of white rabbits.  And how I had upset her just by calling her kiddo.  And then when that guy had pushed her down, she seemed more upset that I had punched him. 

Anyway, I quietly left Aurora in the safety of the Mansion… and my chicken noodle soup.

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 20

The sun was just beginning to rise and I was still running bare foot through the streets.  I was headed home.  I just wanted to hide.  And then I realized … all my things were back at the bar.  My purse, my clothing, my phone, wallet… everything.  How was I going to get into my apartment?  I would have to get the landlord to let me in, but she wouldn’t be up for a couple hours so I stopped running and just began to walk.  I felt so alone and depleted bare foot walking in the early morning with nothing but my thoughts for company. 

Did I over-react?  I hope I didn’t hurt him.  He will never forgive me.  He probably thinks I am crazy.  Maybe, I am crazy?  How could a perfect night end so horribly??  Right now, I will be just happy if we are still friends.

I was almost to my apartment when I noticed Piper waiting for me.  She had my belongings.  I hugged and thanked her.  She asked if I was alright.  I nodded.  Did I hurt him?  She waved that off.  He got what he deserved.  That is why women are smarter than men.  Right!  We can have an emotional reaction to something stupid that they say and they are still too stupid to know what they did wrong.  Piper made complete sense.  But should I maybe apologize?  No.  Just let him wonder.  You really like him, don’t you?  Ahhh, no!  He is annoying.  And besides, we are just friends.  She smiled like she knew something and said good luck with that.  She hugged me again and left.

I was tired, but I ended up taking a bath anyway just to relax and warm up.  The weather was definitely getting cooler.  I crawled into bed naked except for Jake’s tee shirt.  I liked that.  I liked his smell and it seemed to comfort me.  Even though I was still upset with him.  I wonder if he misses his shirt or even knows where it is. 

My phone was ringing.  I must have dozed off.  It was Ivan.  What did he want?  Hello.  Are you alright?  Yes, I’m fine.  It seems like everyone is asking me that.  I heard what happened.  Is there something going on between you and Jake?  Did he hurt you?  No and no.  If you say the word, he is so fired!  NO!  Why did you slap him?  Ivan, I was exhausted from all the work I put into the shoot and I had some champagne and it was the wee hours of the morning and he said something that hurt my feelings and I was emotional and just reacted.  So, I slapped him and I am super sorry I did.  If anyone is to blame, it’s me.  Okay?  Alright, and you are sure there is nothing going on between you two?  Nothing, I promise.  We are just friends.  And when we fuck, he cannot remember doing it!!!  I didn’t say that part.  Ivan told me to get some rest and said goodbye.

Jake getting fired would be like the ultimate disaster!  What the hell was I thinking???  I made up my mind.  That was it.  No more messing with Jake.  I was just going to be professional and there was going to be nothing going on between us.  Absolutely nothing.  And I meant it.  Like 100% nothing, nada, zippo to do with that annoying man with that irritating lock of hair that hung down his forehead.  God, that felt good… as I sniffed his shirt.

A couple weeks later Ivan called with the details about the next shoot.  Part of me was hoping he wouldn’t call.  I didn’t know how or what I would say to Jake.  Anyway, he said the shoot was going to be done in the rain.  I hate rain.  I didn’t want to do the shoot.  I didn’t want to see … and I hate rain!  Snow is okay.  You can brush snow off.  Rain soaks into your clothes and is cold.  Be professional.  Right.  He said the next forecast for rain we would meet at the Mansion.  He didn’t really care so much about our clothes, but did suggest bringing some extra clothing for after.  Great.  Sometimes you just have a bad feeling.

It was about a week later and rain was in the forecast.  We all met at the Mansion.  I didn’t say anything to Jake and only briefly acknowledged Piper and Josie.  I was in miserable mood.  I don’t like being in the rain.  At all.  And to top it all off, I felt like I was coming down with something.  I was a little light headed.  There was a van in the garage and we all piled in and set off for downtown.  I could hear rain drops hitting the roof of the van.  I don’t think anyone was happy.  Jake said he would like to get 3 separate locations at different times of the day.  Great.  But he did add that he would try to make quick work so we would not be out too long.  At least there was that. 

It was a Sunday, so, the city was fairly quiet at this time.  Jake chose a fountain shot first.  I felt cold and wet even before I got out of the van.  In actuality, the sun was still out even when the rain started.  It didn’t offer much warmth.  We posed like wet kittens as the rain fell on us.  Or maybe, wet beavers.  Although, I have no idea how a beaver would pose.  We were soon soaked through.  Jake said he was finished and asked if anyone wanted some nice hot cider.  We all agreed.  Anything hot.  The cider warmed my chest as we drove around looking for another spot.  What a miserable day. 

A few hours later, frustrated, Jake found a city bench.  The rain was falling heavier now.  Ice cold rain coming down on our heads.  I started sneezing at some point.  My nose started to run, but I couldn’t really wipe it in the rain.  No one was really talking that much and no one really wanted to be doing this.  It was the worst shoot.  Again, Jake took his pics.  A job was a job.  We hung in there.  Jake offered to get us some hot lattes.  Yes, anything!  Now, we drove around again.  Jake put the heat on high and the van was very warm.  Even wet, it was still nice.  So nice, no one wanted to get out. 

The final stop Jake chose was a bus stop.  There were trees all around it and even though the rain had slightly lessened we were still getting wet.  It was so depressing.  I was sneezing more.  My head was starting to get hot even in the rain.  I did not want to be there!  Then these three guys came walking up and were like trying to hit on us or something.  I mean my nose is running.  I am … fucking wet!  And miserable!  I told the one guy off.  I cannot remember what I said exactly.  Something along the lines of Go Fuck Yourself!  Then, the basterd pushed me and I fell backwards onto the ground and into a puddle of mud!  He laughed at me.  I was in shock.  And then, Jake was there.  He smashed the guy’s face!  He literally, smashed the guy’s face with one punch!  I mean smashed!  Blood flew from his nose as he hit the ground!  And then I was in Jake’s arms.  I think I was crying.  My nose was running too and I wiped my face on Jake’s shirt.  It was the only thing available.  Piper was next to us and said something about a fever.  I hoped she was okay.  My head was aching.  Jake got us all back into the van and drove back to the Mansion.  I was so happy to be out of the rain and yet I was so cold!!!  I couldn’t really think. 

I remember someone undressing me and running me a bath.  Was it Jake?  I was relieved to get my muddy, wet clothes off and climb into the warm nurturing water of the bath.  I was still sneezing and I was still cold.  But the water was nice.  Someone helped me out of the tub, dried me off, and got me into some warm pajamas.  I really had no clue exactly what was going on.  The cold rainy shoot was like a million hours in the past.  I was led downstairs and put on the sofa and then covered with a blanket.  I swallowed a couple pills with water.  I just sat like a zombie.  Later, I think it was Jake, fed me some soup.  It tasted really good.  It warmed my chest.  I think it was chicken noodle…  I was speaking, I think.  And then, I think Jake kissed me… no.  That couldn’t have happened.  But he did pick me up and carried me upstairs.  I was still cold.  He put me on the bed and then he was beside me like we were spoons.  He put his arm around me and I felt his warm hand slip under my pajama top and caress my breasts.  That felt nice.  We were covered up cozy.  I felt his heat.  I needed that.  I was so cold.  My feet were like ice.  I enjoyed his smell… his warmth… his hand on my tits.  I closed my eyes.

I was in a park.  Well, not really.  It was like I was hovering over the park, but it seemed normal.  There were these two people walking away from me.  It was a man and a woman and they were holding hands.  And she was wearing a backpack with a fishing rod… and she had a camera… strange.  I just kept staring at them.  And even though they were walking away from me the distance remained the same… like a photograph.  But it wasn’t so much what they were doing, but this overwhelming impression of acceptance and happiness.  And it was odd, but I felt happy for them… it was a feeling I don’t think I have ever felt.  Peaceful acceptance.  I liked this dream.

I woke up feeling … good.  I could not for the life of me remember what I had dreamt.  Just that it was positive, I think.  Jake was gone.  I knew we had slept together because I could still smell him.  I must have been sick.  In fact, I knew I was sick.  I just couldn’t remember much more than that.  On the nightstand I noticed a note.  It was from Jake.  It was written.  He had nice writing.  It was for me.  He had never given me anything before.  I have his shirt, but I stole that.  He said there was still chicken noodle soup leftover and that I should have some more.  And then he wrote I hope you are feeling better Sweetie, Jake.  I felt my heart skip a beat.  Boy, does he know how to slap!  I tried not to, but I felt a tear run down my cheek.  How can you go from the worst day of your life to one of the best days of your life???

I got out of bed and went downstairs and sure enough there was chicken noodle soup still on the stove.  It wasn’t chicken noodle soup out of the can.  Jake had actually made me chicken noodle soup from scratch.  I had to have some.  I warmed some in the microwave and it tasted soooo goooood!  I felt good.  After, and I don’t know why, I went back upstairs and crawled into bed.  I could still smell him.  I looked again at the note and ran my finger over Sweetie and then ran my finger over Jake.  I don’t understand or recognize … what I am feeling.  I am thinking about Jake smashing that guy’s face… and picking me up… and he made me soup… chicken noodle soup… and feeding me… and carrying me to bed… and his hand on my tits… and the note he had written for me… all the things he did for me… for me.  I don’t know what it means.

I close my eyes… confused.  I let my dreams take me away.

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 21

Summer had ended.  The trees in the city were all turning fantastic colours in preparation for Winter.  I liked Fall.  The Fall season brought with it a whole host of smells and new hearty foods.  The first few cool nights offered relief from the summer heat and it made sleeping more pleasant.

There was a park near the city centre and with the sun still offering plenty of warmth, I took up my camera and headed out to see if I could capture some nice shots.  It was a Saturday and there were parents there watching their kids play in the leaves.  Couples walked by.  Some even had dogs.  I walked along the river’s edge and found a nice bench to sit at and enjoy my coffee.  It was a beautiful day.  There were people canoeing.  And I took photos of everything.  It made me feel alive.  Like I was a witness to some fantastic event.  A witness.  Capturing life with a camera.  Moving among people… but not really belonging.  But not just people… animals as well.  Geese and ducks were swimming being fed by people little bits of bread and seed.  Each photo I took captured a moment that soon past.  It was like I was on the outside looking in at life.  Strange thoughts.

I spent a couple hours in the park before heading home.  One of the nice things about doing my own pictures is that I really didn’t have to share them with anyone.  Almost like I was a spy.  I downloaded the pics on my laptop and looked them over.  They made me smile.  People just doing people things.  It was really no different than my plans to photograph wild beavers in the wild.  They would be pictures of them doing beaver things in their world.  Not mine.  I skimmed over to the folder marked DICE and started looking at the photos I had taken of the women.  I remember the first time at the hotel and still being shocked at what they did.  But when I was given the contract… it was like an opportunity I could not pass up.  And even though I didn’t think about it, or tried not to, I considered myself just a witness.  Safe behind the camera.  And now, we were friends?

Ivan called and said the next shoot would be a Viking setting.  The ladies would be wearing animal skins and carrying swords and he said they were already being fitted out.  It would be a night setting at a corn field and there would be smokers to offer a mystical atmosphere and the women would have non-permanent tattoos all over their bodies.  He said I must be getting pretty excited because there were like only four more shoots left in the contract.  Yeah.  Really exciting.  I told him I just hope it wouldn’t be too cold out.  The last time Aurora got sick from the cold rain.  He said he heard about it and he even apologized.  He does not want any of the ladies getting sick.  He offered to have outdoor heaters placed at the shoot.  That was something. 

The day arrived and I drove over to the Mansion and parked in the garage.  Piper, Josie and Aurora were in the garage on like fold out beds entirely naked getting artistic tattoos.  They each had an artist.  Naturally, I took some photos of this interesting process.  Josie had a slight advantage with her large snake tattoo.  I asked Aurora if she was feeling better and she just nodded and gave me a little smile.  Good… that’s really good.  I left it at that.  After the tattoos they got into their outfits.  Piper had wolf skin.  Josie had deer.  And Aurora had beaver skins.  That was interesting.  They all had small swords, bows, and even quivers.  All fake of course.  Just props.  After she was dressed, Aurora asked if I wanted to touch her beaver fur.  I laughed awkwardly and said I have felt fur before.  And then I thought how stupid that sounded.  Again, she just smiled.  She was the strangest person I have ever met.  Touch her beaver fur?  Silly. 

We climbed into a van and headed off to the corn field.  By this time, it was early evening.  And although it was somewhat cool, it was not as cold as the last time and the skies were clear.  In fact, the moon was full and just beginning to advance over the corn field!  How lucky was that?  The smokers were hidden and soon filled the field and nearby wood line with a misty smoke.  There was just enough lighting to bounce off the smoke giving an almost dreamlike scene.  The ladies positioned themselves just slightly within the woods.  And I snapped photos of them emerging into the field sometimes carrying their bows and sometimes carrying their swords.  It could have been Halloween it was so magical.  Like a fantasy.  Their animal skins barely covered them.  They did a wide variety of poses.  Enchanting poses.  The moon was like right above them and the stars radiated with light.  It was intense and I snapped and snapped. 

They took a brief break and warmed up by the heaters.  Their bodies began to glisten with sweat and they had a bottle of fake blood that they added to their bodies.  Wow!  And then, they were back at it.  They even did fake battle poses.  I laughed.  It was just so incredible.  It was almost like this was who they really were.  Something out of a dream … or a nightmare.  And it was soon over.  Just as quickly as it had started.  Moments now captured by my camera.  There was a station set up near the heaters where the women could wash themselves off a bit.  All the assistants began packing up and everyone shook hands.  It had been a very successful shoot. 

We piled back into the van to head back to the Mansion.  I felt good and didn’t really want the night to end.  I asked them if they wanted to go out for pizza and beer.  They loved the idea!  They had all brought a change of clothes… just in case, and got out of their animal skins.  Strange, how seeing them naked just became routine… for me.  Not that I stared.  They were still covered in fake tattoos, but that was okay. 

I found a local pizzeria… no, not the one I had worked at with the vegan named… something.  We took a booth and Aurora sat across from me next to Josie.  We soon had pepperoni pizza and beers.  Everyone was super relaxed and we talked about the shoot and even the past shoots.  I said how Aurora did an amazing job on the Sensational Bar shoot.  But I didn’t dwell too much on it.  We were able to laugh and just enjoy each other’s company.  We talked about our families.  Aurora said she was an orphan at birth and adopted, but she said her parents were very nice people.  I didn’t know that.  I talked about growing up at Easter Bay, fishing and hunting.  I then mentioned how after this last shoot there were only like 3 more shoots to go.  I don’t know why I brought that up.  But… we all just went quiet.

It was time to head back to the Mansion.  We did have a great time.  We were friends.  As I drove though, it seemed like we were all lost in our thoughts.  The night was over and it felt like it as I pulled into the garage of the Mansion.  I put my gear into my car and turned towards the ladies.  Piper gave me a hug… and then Josie… and then Aurora came up to me.  On tiptoes, her arms went around my neck.  I could smell her… her scent… her sweat.  I could feel her warmth… her breathing… her heart beat.  She whispered in my ear, thanks for everything Jake.  And then she kissed my cheek.  And let me go. 

Hey, you guys need any help?  Like getting cleaned up?  All those tattoos?  I don’t want to break my contract.  I smiled as if that was a joke.  They all shook their heads and said they were fine.  Just tired from the shoot.  Okay… are you sure?  Yes, Jake.  You can go.  I climbed into my melted soft serve vanilla ice cream smelling Chevy Nova and left feeling … I don’t know what I was feeling.  Lost.  I guess.  I drove home. 

It had been a great night.  A lot was accomplished.  Right?  And what did she mean?  Thanks for everything Jake?  It had this ring of finality like it was more than just a simple goodbye.  After all, we had like three more shoots to go.  What happens when it’s all over?  Are we just going to fade from each other’s lives?

I got into my apartment and sat on the couch.  Brooding.  Trying to make sense… of what?  Aurora’s white lace panties with the faint yellow stain were soon in my hand up to my face.  They always calmed me down.  I inhaled.  And as I inhaled, I closed my eyes thinking of her scent… her whispering in my ear… the way she smiled… like she did when she was sleeping… her kiss… not the kiss on my cheek, but the kiss of her lips on mine… why did she kiss me? 

But I am professional.  The photographer.  I am a witness to events.  Did I cross the line when we became friends?  They live in one world and I live in my world.  Their world is fantasy and mine is reality.  My job is to capture images of their fantasy world.  To be a witness.  That is what I am being paid for.  It’s safer this way.

Not … to be a participant.

Halloween did eventually arrive and I went out in the early evening to capture photos of the myriad little ghosts and goblins.  Trick or Treaters out gathering their supplies of candy.  It seemed funny how a child’s life revolves around innocent fantasy.  All their costumes and excitement and Jack-o-Lanterns and yards filled with fake zombies and graves.  Creepy music flowing from some of the houses being accosted by werewolves and witches and princes and princesses.  The make-believe of an event more for children than adults.  An attempt to keep them innocent. 

And then we grow up.  Searching for some sort of mature morality.  But we still have fantasies.  I found mine with my passion… even maybe an obsession for photographing wild beaver in the wild.

I wonder what Aurora fantasizes about?

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 22

I feel lost.  Lost in my thoughts.  Lost in my feelings.  Lost in my life.  My world has been turned upside down.  And yet I still held onto hope.  Hope for what?  Jake had left me a note.  And in it he had called me Sweetie.  It was so unexpected.  I had recently slapped him.  And yet… he protected me.  To do all that he did does shows some level of caring, doesn’t it?  And that means he must actually have feelings for me, right?  And that is where I am… lost.  I don’t want him to have feelings for me!  I wanted him to … want me for sex!  To make him suffer… or, to make me feel good about myself… or, to make me feel in control?  I don’t want to be… owned.  But it felt so nice… just being liked… and cared about.  Without sex.  Being accepted for just being me.  BUT, sex is who I am!!!  These feelings are like … alien to me.  Just be his friend.  Right.  I don’t understand just being “friends”.

And these are the lost thoughts that occupy my mind.  I don’t know what I want.  I think of the Animal Sex we had.  So violent and so passionate.  Painful.  But we were in sync.  We both wanted it.  No.  Wait.  Jake didn’t know what he was doing.  Yes, we came together, and yet, we were from two different worlds.  And now that I think back it was always that way when we had sex.  It was just me.  There was no Jake.  It was like the Animal Sex was the culmination … the turning point.  And it was Animal Sex.  But does that make us animals?  And if Jake wasn’t there… then, that would make me… the only animal? 

Ivan called and said the next shoot would be outside again.  Great.  He actually apologized for the last shoot.  He had heard that I got sick.  He said no more shoots in the rain.  I didn’t tell him that, well, the last shoot turned out far better than expected.  He said the next shoot we would be dressed up like Pix.  What are Pix?  Old Scottish clan tribes.  They wore animal skins and carried swords and shields and bows.  Sort of like Vikings.  Oh, I know Vikings.  I watch that show.  Well, imagine yourself as Vikings then.  It doesn’t really matter all that much.  The shoot was going to be in some farmer’s field and at night.  But he promised there would be large heaters so everyone would be kept warm.  I asked if I could have a beaver skin outfit.  Sure.  Jake would definitely like that.  I was starting to look forward to this shoot.  Being a warrior princess!  I liked to dress up and imagine myself as someone else.  Oh, I said goodbye to Ivan and as usual, he said he would call back later with further details.

And so, he did.  I met up with Piper and Josie at the Mansion.  Our fitted costumes were already there.  And sure enough mine was like a beaver bikini.  It was nice and soft.  There was a personal trainer that gave us the basics on weaponry.  The weapons were just props anyway.  We had our hair braided and a tattooist tattooed our entire bodies with non-permanent ink.  I don’t understand the appeal of tattoos.  I know Josie has a snake that winds up her leg with its head hidden by her pubic hair.  That is kind of cool.  I have seen the head close up!  Jake showed up just as we were getting inked.  He asked how I was feeling?  I’m okay.  I really have no clue what to say to him!  He is so annoying!  Well, not really.  Jake took some pictures and I even managed to smile a bit.  Stuck my tongue out at him.  I asked him if he wanted to finger my beaver.  He just laughed.  I was serious!  So, I laughed too. 

After being fully Vikingized, we hopped in the van with our gear and adorned in animal skins and Jake drove out to the farmer’s field.  It was later in the evening and there were smokers and fires and yes, space heaters too.  An entire crew was set up with extra eerie like lighting.  The field and the woods around it were filled with fake smoke.  I wasn’t exactly looking forward to going into the woods.  It was possible there might be white rabbits.  But Jake was there and that was comforting.  I felt protected with him around.  And there was the crew. 

The woods were really creepy.  I gritted my teeth and we got to work.  Jake taking his photos of the DICE as warrior queens.  Warrior queens wearing hardly any clothing brandishing weapons they knew hardly anything about.  We emerged from the woods like vicious stalking hunters who would probably scream at the site of a mouse.  The smoke wrapped around our tattooed bodies and cast haunting, swirling shadows.  Jake just kept snapping his photos.  Lighting was hardly needed as there was a full moon above the field.  We then took a little break and stood by the heaters.  I could see bats flitting around in the moonlight.  Someone brought out some fake blood and we applied it to our arms as if we had been in some major battle.  And then we posed again in our best warrior like poses.  Blood dripping from our swords.  I had a lot of fun.  In fact, I almost forgot that we weren’t Vikings.  I didn’t even think about sex.  We did expose our tattooed tits and an oily based blood was lightly sprayed on us.  We even had blood dripping from our chins!  We looked fierce!  But it was still late Fall and even with the heaters, the air was cool.  Jake finished his photos and there was a place where we could wash off most of the blood and some of the tattoos. 

The crew was left to clean up.  And Jake drove us back the Mansion.  On our way, he asked if we wanted to go for some pizza and sodas.  Yes!  More time to spend with Jake!  I was so caught up with being a Viking princess, the time just went by incredibly fast and I wasn’t thinking about Jake.  Like at all.  So, this was perfect.  Jake stopped at some pizza joint and we took a booth.  I sat across from Jake.  I thought that was safer.  Safer from what???  We ordered Hawaiian pizza and soda pops.  We started telling stories of growing up.  We laughed and Jake talked a lot about Easter Bay and hunting and fishing and exploring and his parents and animals … did I say he talked a lot.  Oh, Piper and Josie talked too.  I can’t exactly remember what they said… I told them… really, I was speaking to Jake… how I was an orphan and told them, Jake, about my adoptive parents and how they were nice and treated me well.  Blablabla…  I don’t remember talking that much with anyone about my life… but Jake, did seem genuinely interested… in me.

And then Jake said the strangest thing.  There were only three more shoots left.  And everything just stopped.  We just looked at each other not saying anything.  And finished our pizza and sodas… It was like a magical moment had just disappeared and was replaced by … reality. 

Jake drove us all back to the Mansion.  Nothing was really said.  I had intended to have Jake help me get cleaned up, but for some reason I changed my mind.  Even though the thought of his hands on me was very hard to resist.  And if he did help me wash off the tattoos, then we would end up having sex… and somehow, that just wasn’t appealing.  Jake even asked if we needed any help getting cleaned up.  But we said we were fine and he could go home.  And then, he asked again!  Piper and Josie gave him a brief hug.  And I whispered in his ear Thanks for everything Jake.  And kissed his cheek.  He seemed a bit disappointed.  But I watched him as he drove away.  What the hell was I thinking??? 

We went inside and soon we were in the shower washing each other.  The shower was nice and hot.  And I did enjoy touching Piper and Josie.  They both had some nice flesh.  I wasn’t really into sex though.  There has to be something wrong with me?  This used to be my thing!  And I kissed them, and fingered them, and licked them… but it wasn’t doing anything for me!  And I think they knew that.  No full-on fuck mode.  And why the hell wasn’t Jake here???  After all the times we have been naked together in the shower under the guise of helping us clean up, this was like the one time we could have used his help!  I mean I am naked in the shower with Piper and Josie and I am thinking about Jake!  But not sexually… I mean not really sexually.  I just wanted… him here.  God, he is so annoying!  Even when he is not here! 

And… there is only going to be three more shoots.

Piper and Josie ended up leaving together.  I decided to stay overnight at the Mansion.  By myself.  This was not how my night was supposed to end.  Alone.  I went into the master bedroom where Jake and I… had been together.  The bed seemed so empty and lifeless.  I was wearing the shirt I stole from Jake.  I could smell him.  I got under the covers and curled up in a fetal position.  It was soon all going to be over.  I wanted Jake to be here with me, but I was glad he wasn’t.  What was I going to do?  Have I become obsessed?  With Jake?  And what would happen … when it was over?  How was I to keep going on with my life? 

I cried.  I sobbed.  I cried myself to sleep.

I was swimming.  In a lake.  The water was warm and I seemed quite buoyant.  I swam easily like I was made for the water.  There was a dock and I swam around it.  This way and that.  I guess I was exploring.  I dove down into the water.  This was fun.  Finally, I walked out onto a beach like area.  The sun was warm and it felt good.  I looked up the hill and noticed a young boy watching me.  Oh well.  I wandered around the beach picking up things.  I ended up sitting down and when I looked up the hill again, the young boy was gone.  He must have found something more interesting to look at than me.  I went back into the water and decided to find some adventures at another part of the lake.  I swam away. 

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 23

The days were getting shorter.  It would soon be Winter.  I was bored out of my tree.  I realized that when I was delivering pizza or going to school time seemed to go by so much faster.  Now, I have too much free time on my hands.  And I cannot get another job because I am really on call.  Never knowing when Ivan might need me.  The worst part is that I have too much time to think.  I start thinking about filming wild beaver in the wild and how exciting that is going to be.  I have waited so long.  And Spring is just around the corner.  Spring is just around the corner… no more taking photos of the DICE… no more Aurora.  My thoughts always come back to her!  It is extremely irritating.  Not much irritates me.  AND that is irritating.  I wonder what she is doing right now?  Of course, my contract does stipulate that I cannot have any contact with any of them outside the photo sessions.  So, I am just left wondering.  I mean we work together so it is just normal that I think of them… right?  But… I don’t really think about Piper and Josie.

I have to get out of my apartment.  Clear my head.  I grab my camera and without any real direction I find myself at the nearest mall.  The weather is definitely cooler now so maybe I can take some photos of shoppers.  Halloween has only recently ended, but just like clockwork, the stores are already pushing their Christmas sales.  Christmas music plays through the speakers.  Christmas lights and decorations adorn the shops.  Signs entice shoppers with Christmas sales.  And people buy it all up.  Like some sort of Christmas magic.  I never really noticed that before.  But it is all just a … fantasy. 

It is slightly more difficult photographing people while they are shopping as opposed to at a park.  People seem more suspicious.  So, the vibe was all wrong.  I did get some photos, but it just wasn’t working.  I sat down across from a lingerie shop… with my camera in hand.  On the bench I noticed a scarf.  I don’t have a scarf.  I picked it up.  It was soft and warm like someone had just been wearing it.  Without really thinking I smelled it.  Familiar?  People kind of looked at me odd.  Weird, how just because I was holding a camera across from a lingerie shop while smelling a scarf would get so much attention?  Would they have noticed me like at the food court?  I felt like saying I film women without their clothes on for a living.  And what a bunch of hypocrites!  Maybe, if I like had Aurora’s white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in my hand and up to my face AND my camera standing at the entrance to the lingerie shop that might have been different!  Honestly, I don’t even know why I was across from the lingerie shop.  A security guard came over and asked me what I was doing?  I told him I was a photographer.  He politely asked me to leave.  I no longer belonged in the real world.  Wow.  So, with scarf in hand, I left. 

Ivan shortly thereafter contacted me and said the Viking pics were once again great.  Unfortunately, the next shoot was also going to be outside.  It was the last outside shoot.  The investors at StarDreamers wanted some photos of the DICE in front of a church.  Not naked… of course, being cold and outside.  But again, there would be heaters and some smokers.  Some lighting as well.  The DICE would be wearing very sensual dresses with lace hats and gloves and even lace on there high heeled shoes.  He said that we, being myself and the ladies, were to meet on location.  He gave me all the details I would need and being just the photographer there wasn’t many.  Hard to believe it would soon be over.

A church?  With the DICE?  Odd, I get thrown out, well, asked to leave the mall all decorated with Christmas spirit, and now I am going to be taking photos of three very beautiful women in front of church!  I cannot … begin to understand.  Life at Easter Bay was so much simpler.

The day of the shoot arrived and I drove my melted soft serve vanilla ice cream smelling Chevy Nova to the church location.  It was early evening.  The church had an ominous appearance.  In the lighting, which was already set up, it gave an impression of black and white doom.  Steps led up to three individual doors.  I remember something … latin… nomine patris, et filly, et spirit sankti… or something like that.  Anyway, it resonated holiness.  And it was cool outside even with the heaters.  Fake smoke swirled around the steps.  Clouds were moving in.  There was snow in the forecast. 

I went and greeted the ladies who were… looking incredibly beautiful.  Piper was wearing a blue tight-fitting dress.  Josie’s was yellow and you could just make out her tattoo snake slithering up her leg.  And Aurora… she was wearing red… wow, she looked really nice.  They all had black high heels … pumps… is that what they are called?  I don’t know.  Black lace gloves and hats with like netting that came down just past their noses.  Aurora’s blonde hair was in a pony tail.  And she was wearing a light red lipstick… on her … lips. 

We decided to get to work.  And they posed on the church steps and in front of the church doors.  I took my photos.  What a contrast.  These beautiful women glowed with bright colour and sensuality posing in front of the hallowed ground of a bleak church.  And it so worked!  They were like witches or demonesses or cast aside angels!  They didn’t belong and to me they seemed perfect.  Almost more real.  More alive.  And the church became like the dead or a fantasy.  The smoke swirled around the women enhancing their nymphlike appearance.  And I kept snapping my camera.  It wasn’t a long photo shoot.  I got a lot of great photos though.  We ended just as snow began to fall.  The crew packed up. 

Piper and Josie said they had a ride.  Aurora asked if I would take her back to the Mansion.  Sure.  After all, it was in my contract to… do what?  But I did agree to take her.  I loaded up my equipment and we hopped in my car.  I don’t remember ever being alone driving with Aurora.  The snow was definitely coming down heavier now.  I could see goose bumps on her arms so I fired up the heater and we were soon on our way in my melted soft serve vanilla ice cream smelling Chevy Nova.  I wonder if she could smell it.  Then I remembered the wrestling shoot with the vanilla smelling lubricant!  Funny.  We drove through the snow not really saying much.  Even now, I am at a loss for words when it comes to Aurora.  I can talk to Piper and Josie without any trouble.  But with Aurora, it’s like I am worried I am going to say the wrong thing.  Or maybe the right thing.  She is so strange. 

We made it back to the Mansion through what now looked like a heavy snowstorm.  I parked in the garage and we got out.  Aurora said she wanted to show me something.  Okay.  Did I say she was strange?  She took my hand and led me inside.  Her hand was so small yet mystifying.  I followed her and looked at the back of her red satiny dress as it moved over her … figure.  Funny how clothes can be at times more… seductive than without clothes.  She led me through the Mansion and as I followed her up the stairs she looked back and smiled at me.  It was a warm smile like the one she had when she was sleeping that one morning.  I remembered wondering what she was dreaming about and now I am wondering… what she is smiling about now?

I wake up.  I wake up in the master bed.  For some reason I expected Aurora would be there.  But she wasn’t.  The Mansion was quiet.  I could here the blizzard outside.  It was late in the evening.  Really late.  I suppose she must have had some urgency to leave and didn’t want to wake me up.  That was thoughtful.  I got up and went downstairs.  The Mansion reminded me of the church.  Quiet and lifeless.  I had never been here alone before.  I decided that rather than test my car in the blizzard I would wait until morning or at least until the roads were cleared.  I started up the gas fireplace and it cast eerie shadows on the walls.  I found the bar and poured myself a bourbon on ice then went and sat in front of the bay window.  I watched as the blizzard raged outside.  I thought of a book I once read by, I think, James Joyce about the dead and snow falling on graves.  It wasn’t a very interesting book.  I much prefer Great Expectations.  But as the snow fell and the fireplace shadows danced around the room and being alone, I couldn’t get that image of snow falling on graves from my thoughts.  It was an unsettling feeling of foreboding.  Unnerving.  It would have been nice if Aurora was here.  I might even have come up with something to say.  I finished my bourbon. 

I turned off the fireplace and went back upstairs.  I crawled underneath the covers of the master bed.  Somehow, I could smell Aurora.  I liked her smell.  I didn’t have her white lace panties with the faint yellow stain, but I could still smell her.  I closed my eyes and let her smell fill my thoughts.  I curled up in a fetal position and imagined holding her.  My hand under her pajama top.  She wasn’t wearing pajamas though she was wearing that satiny red dress.  I could still feel her flesh and her heart beating and her breathing and the warm sweet smell of her breath… and her kiss… the softness of her lips.  She kissed me.  She kissed me twice.  No, three times.  Once on the cheek though and the first time out at the cabin when she was high on drugs.  But that other time… here in the Mansion, she said she was sorry and that kiss… felt… real. 

I wonder what she wanted to show me?  That’s what she said.  When we got out of my car.  She wanted to show me something.  And she led me through the Mansion as I looked at her red satiny dress moving over her… body.  She smiled at me going up the stairs.  She really has a nice smile.  I fell asleep wondering… what did she want to show me?

I was in the black fog.  It swirled around me.  I could see it, but couldn’t see through it.  I wasn’t a wolf this time.  I was just me.  I looked around.  All I could see was the black fog.  Out of nowhere, I thought I heard my name being called.  I ran in the direction from where it came from.  I yelled out, Hello!  Nothing.  I kept running.  Frightened this time.  My name was called again in the distance, but from farther away.  I ran!  I ran as fast I could, trying desperately to catch up.  Hello!!!  My heart was beating, aching… my legs were burning and all around me was the black fog.  HELLO!!!  Nothing.  The voice was gone.  I was left … standing alone… in the black fog.

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 24

Three more shoots remained in Jake’s contract.  That’s it.  What was I going to do?  All my planning and manipulation and conceiving had amounted to nothing.  Nothing had worked.  Oh yes, Jake is a “friend”, but beyond that… how can he NOT remember fucking me???  I am like powerless.  I feel weak.  Sometimes I find myself just sitting on my sofa in a daze or lying in bed staring at the ceiling or in the bath tub looking at the faucet.  What to do?  What to do about Jake?  The sex was incredible.  The Animal Sex was mind blowing… although my butt hurt for a week.  And then I realized something.  I haven’t actually had sex in … like I don’t know when.  Worse still, I haven’t even really thought about having sex even though I think about sex.  Even when I was in the shower recently with Piper and Josie my mind wasn’t thinking about sex.  How is that possible?  Sex has always been a vital part of my life.  It’s been my job!  I am a Spiritual Healer!  But there is nothing.  I feel emptiness.  Empty except for thoughts of Jake.  What has he done to me?  What have I done to myself?  3 more shoots…

I cannot just be friends with Jake.  I just can’t do that!  But he was so nice… he called me Sweetie in that note he left for me.  The note that is by my bed.  The note I read every night.  He made me chicken noodle soup… and he smashed that guy’s face defending me… he slept with me and yes, he remembers doing that!  He just doesn’t remember having sex with me.  And he will leave after his contract is over… go photograph stupid fucking wild beavers in the wild.  And the emptiness I feel will be complete.  Alone.  I find myself… like what?  Missing him?  That makes me laugh!  And I feel tears run down my cheek… while I am laughing. 

I need to do something.  Watered my plants.  Check.  Cleaned my apartment.  Check check.  Washed my laundry… check, check, check… I need something else to do. 

Ivan called!  Finally!  And yet it came with some dread.  The next shoot was once again going to be outside at a church.  A church?  I have never been to church.  Somehow, it doesn’t seem appropriate.  And it’s getting colder.  We were to wear dresses with lace and netting and gloves.  He did promise to once again have some heaters.  And no, it wasn’t going to be inside the church.  Just the outside.  I really didn’t want to pose inside a church.  Any church.  The DICE were to meet at the Mansion and get dressed up.  Make-up.  Hair.  Everything.  Then we would meet Jake at the location.  That was different.  Normally, Jake drives us.  This was not supposed to be a nude shoot.  Just the dresses and us in them.  I wasn’t sure what to do. 

I decided to go shopping at the nearest mall.  It was cold outside so I bundled up and grabbed my favorite scarf and then headed out the door.  The mall wasn’t too busy, but it was decked out in Christmas lights and Christmas music was playing and it made me want to throw up.  It was like an atmosphere of cheery, warm, kumbaya crap.  When really, people were miserable and it would go on for almost two months.  I sat down at a bench across from a lingerie shop.  I love lingerie.  I took off my scarf and set it down.  I had a lot of lingerie in my wardrobe, but I still like getting new stuff.  Who doesn’t?  Black.  I have been on a white kick lately, but my mood… well, somehow has become dark.  Black panties and a black lacy bra.  A garter belt with black netted stockings.  I became excited.  I jumped up and walked into the shop and began looking around.  A young woman came up and asked if I needed any help.  I told her what I was looking for and together we found some black lingerie with red trim and small red flowers.  Perfect!  I like sexy stuff.  She asked if this was a gift for me or … someone else?  I laughed.  A little of both.  I couldn’t wait to get home and try it on!  Funny, I wasn’t even thinking about lingerie or gifts or … well, I wasn’t really thinking about anything at all when I came to the mall.  Now though, as I hurried home, I was thinking about Jake.  Maybe, just maybe, I will let him have the new panties.  I almost felt sinister! 

Everything fit perfect.  I stood in front of the mirror and I looked absolutely seductive!  I almost got turned on a little.  Put a hand between my legs and rubbed … my beaver a bit.  It’s been so long.  Oh, Jake.  I soon started imagining his hand down there.  His smell.  I went into my bedroom, sat on the bed, and began smelling his shirt.  Now, I really was getting turned on!  His touch on my skin.  On my breasts.  Pinching my nipples.  I think about the Animal Sex.  Jake’s mouth and tongue… while he finger fucks me… his beautiful cock in my ass pounding me into sexual submission.  The sweat… the taste of him in my mouth… his breathing… his breath… he wasn’t here, but I could still imagine him. 

Ivan did call again with a date and time.  I met Piper and Josie at the Mansion.  We had our hair, nails and make up professionally done.  It took most of the day, but we looked really good.  I showed Piper and Josie my new lingerie and they thought it looked really hot!  My dress was satiny red and felt good on my skin.  I had a black netted hat and black lace gloves with matching shoes.  It could not have been more perfect.  How is that even possible?!  But it was.  My whole outfit matched!  I felt beautiful. 

We arrived at the church in the early evening.  There were heaters which was nice because the weather was starting to cool off again.  Jake showed up a little later.  I wanted to run to him!  He said we all looked really nice and that he would try and have a quick shoot.  I still had no clue what I was going to do at this time.  I mean … somehow, I wanted to get him my panties, but wasn’t quite sure how I was going to do that.  I was really just going on impulse.  Letting things play out because every plan I had in the past has failed.  There is also the very real possibility that if… IF, we have sex, it could be Animal Sex again.  And as much as I may have enjoyed it, it was still a little scary!  What if it was even more savage?

And then there was the church… stark and bleak.  Smokers wafted fake smoke around the front and steps of the church.  It had three doors?  Why does a church have three front doors?  Maybe people want to leave in a hurry.  Anyway, there was three of us so we all took a door to pose in front of and Jake began taking his shots.  At first, well, almost the entire time, I thought lightning would strike me down.  I was like a trespasser.  A blasphemer.  A sinner.  And then, I said to hell with it!  I started getting into the poses.  Blowing Jake kisses.  Bending over.  Rubbing my legs.  Cupping my breasts.  Putting my hands near my crotch and then stretching my arms in the air.  Oh yeah!  This was becoming fun.  To hell with the church!  Josie and Piper were also getting into it as we seduced and seduced and seduced … Jake and his camera. 

Snow started to fall.  At least it wasn’t lightning.  But it still gave me a shiver.  The shoot was over.  The last outside shoot.  The crew started packing up.  Jake was packing up.  Panic soon gripped me.  I didn’t know what to do.  Josie and Piper said they had rides.  I went up to Jake… and froze.  Could you give me a ride to the Mansion?  Sure.  He said sure!  I have no idea what I am doing!!!  I just know… I want to be with him.  We get into his shit-box car.  It smells like vanilla.  I feel almost like I am on a first date.  Nervous.  Anticipation.  The snow begins to fall heavier.  Jake says there may be a storm coming.  I feel chilled.  Jake turns on the heater.  Obviously, for me.  He is so nice… I want to touch him.  Maybe, I should just kiss him right now.  Get it over with.  But he is driving.  And the roads are slippery.  That is what I tell myself.  But really, I am just scared of him.  Or maybe I am scared how he will react. 

By the time we pull into the Mansion’s garage, the storm has set in.  The winds are blowing.  I get out of Jake’s car.  He gets out.  I tell him I want to show him something.  Do I ever want to show him something!  And what is crazy is that he has seen it all before!  Okay.  I take his hand.  I imagine his eyes on my ass as I lead him inside the Mansion.  His grip on my hand is gentle.  I am so fucking nervous… and I don’t know why!  I want him so bad.  I lead him through the Mansion and up the stairs.  I look back and smile… a tentative smile.  I don’t know why I smiled.  That lock of hair hanging down his forehead.  Any moment, I am going to lose him.  I know it.  But I lead him into the master bedroom anyway.  Guilt.  Shame.  The church.  Blasphemer. 

I ask him to unzip my dress.  He does.  I slide it off.  I take off my hat while he takes off my shoes.  His hands are on my legs and they travel up to my ass.  He smells my crotch.  Oh god!  I sit on the bed and he quickly gets undressed.  He is standing in front of me.  His erection is in front of me.  I put my hand on him.  It is so hot.  Beautiful.  I cannot help myself.  I kiss him.  I kiss… it.  My tongue briefly swirls over his head.  So hot.  My mind is starting to drift.  I look up at him.  Into his eyes.  He touches my cheek gently and there is … kindness in his eyes.  Oh no!!!  Not that.  Almost pity.  I was expecting Animal Sex!  I wanted to be punished.  Not gentleness.  Not mercy!  This is worse!!!  He gently pushes me back onto the bed.  His hands go to my black lace panties with the red flowers.  I am wet.  He takes them off and puts his face between my legs… gently kissing me.  I am starting to quiver.  He comes up to my face and we kiss.  The kindness in his lips.  His breath.  My legs wrap around him.  And then… I feel him slowly, carefully… slide into me.  What is he doing to me???  My arms go around his neck.  My mouth is next to his ear.  He is kissing my neck.  I feel his weight on me, but it too is gentle… tender.  I feel him begin to pull out.  My legs tighten. 

No Jake, I whisper in his ear.  And he settles back down inside me.  I feel him there.  Not moving.  He always knows what I need!  I cannot take anymore!!!  My mouth trembles.  I feel wetness on my face.  I’m crying. 

I whisper in his ear.  Please Jake… please remember… please.  Jake, just once.  I am sorry.  I begin to sob.  Why doesn’t he remember me???  Am I such a bad person???  I keep saying his name hoping he will … hear me.  But I know he doesn’t.  I know he is not with me. 

And then I know… what I have to do…

Oh Jake, I am sorry.  Please Jake, forgive me…

Goodbye … Jake…

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 25

I don’t know why I was so pumped up.  Excited.  It had to be the Christmas spirit awakened.  With all the advertising and lights and snow and Christmas movies and the imminence of Christmas magic, how could one not be swept up in its excitement.  I haven’t felt this way since I was like a little kid hoping for my first camera!  But this year, I was friends with the Diamond Club Experiment.  And obviously, and more importantly, with Aurora.  I decided to get her a present!  Christmas is a time of happiness!  And you can give someone a gift without it meaning… well, that you might… think about them.  I would also have to get gifts for Piper and Josie because I wouldn’t want anyone to think that… I favoured Aurora. 

But what would I get her???  It would have to be something super special!  I was unusually giddy just thinking about her opening up a gift from me.  I found myself smiling without knowing why.  To see her smile.  She might even… kiss me.  That’s stupid.  Maybe more.  That is really stupid!  But I was smiling anyway!  So, what to get her?  Chocolates?  No.  It had to be like something she would use or something she needed.  Something that would be… magical.  Something that would touch her… heart.  Such strange thoughts.  I had her white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in my hand, where they usually were, and brought them up to my face hoping for some inspiration.  They always smelled nice.  Her panties.  Her PANTIES!  I would gift her some new white lace panties!  That was perfect!  She loved lingerie and she loved wearing lingerie and well, she also loved taking off her lingerie. 

I got bundled up, grabbed my scarf, and headed to the mall.  I knew the perfect shop.  No camera this time.  The mall was packed with excited shoppers.  All of them had visions of Christmas miracles.  Mine being more special of course.  I went into the lingerie shop and like before I met the DICE, this would have been totally awkward.  Now, not such a big deal.  A lady came up and asked if I needed help.  Sure, I am looking for some white lace panties and a bra to match.  Is this for your wife or girlfriend?  Ahhh, no, just a friend.  She smiled and said, okay, then showed me some nice selections.  One set caught my eye.  Actually, I could imagine Aurora in any of them.  But this one set was white and lacey trimmed in small yellow flowers.  They reminded me of the faint yellow stain.  Even the bra had small yellow flowers.  I think I was daydreaming.  Do you know what size your… friend is?  What?  Your friend?  Her size?  Yes, of course.  I should know.  I have seen her naked enough and seen the sizes on her lingerie.  I paid for the panties and bra and was given a gift box with tissue.  Mission accomplished! 

But… I didn’t think it was enough.  I mean this was like a one chance opportunity!  I needed some special wrapping paper and ribbon and a special tag… even though the box was… small.  As I walked through the mall I passed a jewellery shop.  A sign said Pendants Personally Engraved Christmas Special.  Aurora does not wear jewellery AT ALL.  It would be like getting her a razor!  I cannot imagine Aurora without armpit hair.  It makes her special.  But maybe no one has ever given her a pendant.  She would probably think it was stupid.  And that would make me feel stupid.  But isn’t Christmas a time for being stupid?!  I went into the shop and looked at various pendants.  One stood out.  It was white gold.  A salesman came up and said that was a very excellent choice.  Of course, that is what salesman are supposed to say.  I had already made up my mind anyway.  He asked if I wanted it engraved.  Yes, and I told him the first thing that came to mind.  He smiled and said he would have it done right away and if I had some other shopping to do, I could pick it up in about half an hour.  That gave me time to pick up some nice wrapping paper, ribbon and tags.  Oh, and I also bought some chocolates for Piper and Josie. 

I was super excited by the time I returned home!  I couldn’t wait to wrap her panties and pendant.  I placed them carefully inside the tissue and inside the box closing it up and taping it shut.  The wrapping paper was white and I had yellow ribbon with a red tag.  I sat and stared at it.  It was special.  I also wrapped the chocolates. 

My adrenaline had worn me out.  I rarely feel worn out like that.  Christmas is crazy.  I needed a rest.  I went to bed and started imagining the moment… when Aurora would open her gift.  It would be at the Mansion…

And we were sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace.  The fire was crackling.  A Christmas tree was off in the corner flashing Christmas lights.  Shadows played along the walls.  Magical.  Aurora was beautiful.  I gave her my present…

What is this?

It’s my gift to you.  It is Christmas.

I don’t have one for you though.

That’s okay.  She smiled and looked at me.  And then she opened her gift.

A pendant?  No one has ever given me a pendant before.  And the inscription… my words.  And the panties… and bra… they are so nice!  Oh Jake, you shouldn’t have.  Can I try them on?

Ahhh… sure.  Like right here?

You have seen me naked before, Jake.

Right…

Jake?

Yes.

Do you want to see me naked?

Ahhh… I…

Jake?

Yes.

Why did you get me white panties with small yellow flowers?

Well… because… well, I have a pair of your white lace panties with a faint yellow stain that I… kept.

What do you do with them?

Ahhh… I… ahhh… smell them.

Do you like the way they smell?

Yes.  And then she took off her clothes.

Jake?

Yes.

Would you like to touch me?

Ahhh…

Jake?

Yes…

Would you like to smell me?  Would you like to smell the real thing?

Ahhh… I had to swallow… I was holding my breath…

Jake?  I will do whatever you want.  Would you like to taste me?  Would you like to taste the … real thing?

I… ahhh… Aurora…

Jake.  Would you kiss me?  And taste my tongue?  In your mouth?

And we kissed.  Her soft moist lips parted… and she slipped her tongue into my mouth…

I found my head between her legs… smelling and tasting… and…

I fell…

Into a black fog… falling… and falling… into a black fog…

I woke the next morning.  Still exhausted and not remembering what I had dreamt about.  Christmas, I think.  Yes, it had to be something about Christmas.  After all, I just went shopping for Aurora. 

Ivan called later that day and said the next shoot would be December 21.  The first day of Winter.  It would be at the Mansion and the DICE would be dressed up in unique Christmas outfits.  It should be a lot of fun.  The Mansion would be decorated.  There would be a tree with lights.  Refreshments and appetizers.  A joyous festive occasion.  Something where everyone should have a lot of fun.  Use your own discretion for the photos.  I trust your abilities.  And enjoy!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!  I was so excited.  I wanted it to be tomorrow!  But Christmas is a time for waiting and sometimes painfully! 

But it did arrive!  The day of the shoot had arrived!  I showered and shaved and brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth out and got dressed up.  I had even bought myself new jeans and a nice shirt and sweater!  New boots!  I was decked out.  I just… so wanted Aurora to be impressed.  She always looks so nice and she must think very little of me.  I was super nervous.  I was having doubts.  Doubts about her gift.  Was it too personal?  Did it say too much?  Would she be offended?  I was beginning to sweat.  My mind was racing.  Too many thoughts.  I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea.  What was the wrong idea???

I drove my melted soft serve vanilla ice cream smelling Chevy Nova over to the Mansion and parked in the garage.  It was early evening and snow was falling.  Very Christmacy.  I took a deep breath and grabbed my camera and bag of presents.  I walked into the Mansion.  It was smelling like pine and cinnamon and allspice.  There was a glow about the place.  I took off my boots and walked into the living room.  The DICE were seated around the fireplace.  The DICE… Piper got up and gave me a hug.  She said she wanted to introduce me to Amber… Amber?  I looked around.  Where… where was Aurora?  Piper looked at me.  Aurora couldn’t be here.  She had some… personal things to take care of…  Personal things???  Yeah, but Amber is really nice.  You will like her a lot.  No, I don’t like her at all!  I didn’t say that.  I thought it!  Amber came up to me and shook my hand and said she has already heard a lot about me.  How professional I am.  And how you make the women feel so comfortable.  Amber, actually, seemed very nice.  She had red hair and an infectious smile, but I still hated her.  She probably shaved her armpits. 

We had some appetizers.  Finger food really.  A few drinks.  I gave Piper and Josie their chocolates.  I asked Piper if she could get Aurora my gift.  She agreed.  Although she seemed a little sullen. 

The ladies got dressed in like elfish Santa like outfits and posed by the Christmas tree pretending to decorate it.  They wore little skirts without any underwear and soon flesh began to slip out.  Amber was a natural red head I soon discovered.  And although I did try to hate her… she was nice and she was beautiful, but then again, so was Piper and Josie.  They just weren’t Aurora!  I kept calm.  And took my photos.  They even posed in the kitchen pretending to be cooking a fake turkey.  Bending over to put the bird in the oven.  Licking their fingers… licking each other’s fingers.

Then we went upstairs to the master bedroom.  This made me really uncomfortable.  I had slept in that bed with Aurora.  And now, she wasn’t here.  They put on some red and black lingerie and started posing on the bed.  I just disconnected.  I haven’t felt this way in so long.  I snapped my photos.  I was trying to keep my emotions under control.  I wanted… to run away.  Their clothes came off.  And they started… touching each other… and using their tongues… and spreading their legs… and fingers… and toes… and they were moaning and laughing and gasping and sweating… and when finally, they weren’t paying attention… I left.

I had my photos.  I had my boots on and was driving my car and before I knew it, I was home… and it seemed like Christmas was over.  I managed to hold it together until I was lying on my bed… and only then, did I allow myself to cry.  I cannot remember the last time I cried.  My chest hurt. 

Aurora… why?

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 26

I went back, as planned, to Easter Bay for the remainder of the Christmas holidays.  Some holiday.  Some say that Christmas is like the most depressing time of the year.  It has this huge magical like effect of excitement and anticipation of which I fell right into… and then, reality sets in… and your world crashes.  Maybe not for everyone, but it certainly did for me.  I wanted to see her.  I wanted to see Aurora so bad.  See her smile.  See her glow.  See her open my present.  But it didn’t happen.  But… I told myself there was still one more shoot left.  Piper said Aurora was dealing with… things.  And that is plausible.  Right?  So, maybe, I will see her again.  And that got me through the holidays. 

Mom had the cabin all lit up with Christmas cheer.  Snow was falling across the Bay… gently like snow on graves.  The tree was decorated with all the familiar ornaments.  A few friends and family were coming over to share Christmas dinner.  And I did my best to put on a positive demeanor.  Mom wasn’t so much about presents.  She felt that Christmas was more about people coming together.  And she opened up our home.  There was plenty of food.  Turkey and potatoes and gravy and carrots and peas and sweet potatoes and bread made the cabin smell and taste of warmth.  Spirits flowed and there were conversations about dreams and aspirations mixed in with laughter and song.  After dinner, card games were played and more songs were sung.  And there were smiles and a truly festive ambiance.  And I went along with everything… almost merrily.  And yet, in the back of mind… always in the back of my mind…

After a round of hugs and well wishes and thanks, goodbyes were made.  And soon, I found myself lying in bed staring at the ceiling.  A large beaver staring back at me.  I had beaver shots all over my walls.  I could hear the wind blowing outside.  It used to comfort me when I was younger.  Something about being in my own bed… at home.  I wasn’t thinking about beavers.  The bottom of my feet tingled like they were being poked.  I saw black and white flashes… images… that I couldn’t focus on.  Somehow, I should know.  Know what?  A strong smell… sort of like when you can smell burnt toast days later even though there is none.  I could smell something… someone… Aurora.  I closed my eyes. 

I woke the next day.  Mom was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen.  She said good morning.  Good morning.  I sat down at the kitchen table.  She made us some coffee.  And then sat down as well.  Looked at me and asked what was wrong?  How did she know something was wrong?  Because you are my son.  You put on a brave face, but something is definitely bothering you.  I couldn’t really speak.  I didn’t know what to say.  I just shook my head.  Is it a girl?  I looked at her and then hung my head.  I felt stupid like a puppy who had just lost its bone.  Was it that obvious?  She touched my hand and spoke softly to me.  Words of advice, but not really words of advice… more, words of understanding.  Just enough.  She got up, gave me a hug and kiss and went back to cleaning the kitchen.  She was always busy.  I stayed until just after New Year’s Day. 

Back to the city.  In my… Chevy Nova… that strangely, no longer smelled of vanilla.  I didn’t have a New Year’s resolution, but thought it might be something like not trying to understand women.  That seemed appropriate.  Like really, how did I get into such a mess???  I am a simple photographer.  Nothing more.  And I had one more shoot to get through.  That’s it.  Done.  And I could turn my attention to planning an excursion into the wilderness to film wild beavers in the wild!  One more shoot.  Would Aurora be there?  I wanted to see her and yet… part of me kind of hoped… that she wouldn’t be there.  Because if she was… then, I would have to say goodbye.  That thought bothered me.

Ivan called.  He said the shoot was going to be at a hotel room.  Not the same one as before, but a more luxurious one with a jacuzzi and large bed and shower and I should enjoy myself since it was the final shoot of the contract.  He asked if I was excited.  Sure.  I was tempted to ask if Aurora would be there… but I didn’t.  He said it would be a full lingerie shoot.  Meaning, a lot of different lingerie would be used by the DICE.  I wish it was already over.  I felt an overwhelming sense of dread.  Foreboding.  But I had a job to do. 

The day arrived.  The weather was bleak.  Overcast and wet.  A light drizzle was falling that made the snow slushy.  I drove my no longer vanilla smelling Chevy Nova to the hotel.  The room was on the top floor and I knocked on the door.  It opened.  I remembered the last time I knocked on a hotel room door.  Aurora answered.  This time, however, Amber answered.  No Aurora.  Amber smiled and invited me in.  She did have a nice smile.  I hated it.  Not really.  Piper and Josie came up and gave me a hug.  They were already in their underwear.  I got out my camera and once again I got to work.  They posed on the bed and on the couch and in the bathroom in various types of lingerie.  They posed individually and together.  They posed taking off their outfits.  I still find it amazing that so little material like lingerie can be so seductively, provocatively… stimulating.  They posed in the shower and the jacuzzi wearing their underwear and soon the underwear was off altogether and they just posed nude.  Laughing and carrying on.  And then what usually happened… happened.  They started kissing more… and then more… they were kissing before, but that was like tease kissing for the camera.  Now, it was pure physical.  Once more, tongues and fingers began exploring.  Moans as they touched their wet bodies in the jacuzzi.  They moved from the jacuzzi to the bed and I just kept snapping my photos.  Their hair and Josie’s snake and Piper’s full… chest… even Amber with her red short hairs were all being touched and… licked and still the moans and gasps. 

I was done.  I finished while they were still … doing.  I left and went home.  It was over.  Everything was over.  I know I should have said goodbye.  At least to Piper and Josie.  Even to Amber.  Amber really didn’t do anything wrong.  It was the last shoot so I did feel guilty about that.  But… I just couldn’t.  There was nothing left.  I went back to my apartment.  I would send off the photos later.  At that moment, I just wanted to sit and be alone.  I had the white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in my hand.  I brought them up to my face.  There was no smell.  It too, was gone.  I looked and noticed even the faint yellow stain had faded away.  My eyes watered.  And the tears trickled down my cheeks.  All I could do was wipe them… with her panties.  And admit, she really was gone. 

The next day was still bleak.  Overcast.  The city still moved, but to me, it was dead.  I had to do something besides wallow in self-pity.  I got dressed and grabbed my scarf and headed out.  To do what?  I really don’t know.  Nor, did I care.  Maybe, like winning the lottery or something, I would find her.  I mean, in a huge city, there was a chance.  Right?  So, I wandered the downtown streets… lost in my thoughts.  I soon dreaded my decision.  The city was active, but the people seemed just as miserable as I was.  How could you not be with slush and drizzle and the promise of Christmas debts that would have to be repaid?  It was windy.  Sleet blew in my face.  And then, a bus came right by me, hit a pothole and splashed slush and dirt and grime and whatever else across my legs.  Instantly wet and cold.  It just kept on going.  Some people stared at me.  I just looked around like what???  Could things get any worse???

There was a bar right on the corner beside a liquor store.  I went inside the bar to get warm and felt I, right now at that moment, DESERVED at least one drink!  I grabbed a stool at the bar.  The bartender, who vaguely reminded me of Harry Connick Jr., with slightly dopey eyes, asked what I wanted.  I was tempted to say a Screwdriver, but I needed something more… manly.  Rye and ginger.  And soon he returned.  I sat for the longest time just staring at it with my wet legs and sore chest.  I sipped and it tasted good.  It warmed me and my chest relaxed.  A guy came up to me and asked if I remembered him.  Should I?  Well, you busted my nose and I just wanted to apologize… for pushing down the girl.  Can I buy you a drink?   Actually, he insisted on buying me a drink.  Then, from farther down the bar an old man approached me.  It was the actor!  From the Sensational Bar!  He really works at getting into character!  How you doing young man?  Did you work things out with your lady friend?  Broken nose said you know him?  Yup, did some work with him.  A beautiful woman ended up slapping him good!  And the old man insisted on buying me a drink!  I now had a couple drinks and everyone wanted to know about Aurora.  I told them it was over.  But you did like her, didn’t you?  She was nice.  Yes.  Okay, I liked her… but it is over.  The bartender came back over interested in my story.  So, who is this woman?  The old man said she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  And she slapped him!  Busted nose said she was beautiful too and… when he pushed her down, which he regretted, this guy came and broke my nose!  I looked sheepishly at the bartender and just nodded.  Here is another drink on the house. 

By this time, I was feeling like… really good.  I started telling them about how beautiful she really was… and about her white lace panties with the faint yellow stain… but that they no longer smelled and the yellow stain had faded away.  Soon, there were other people who wanted to hear my story of woe.  Men and women.  I talked about the photo shoots and how I only did it because I wanted to photograph wild beavers in the wild.  Men were saying, who doesn’t?  Women were asking if they could help!  And the drinks flowed.  Broken nose said he had to leave, but by this time I had a crowd around me.  The old man looked like he was fully in the bag.  Men shook my hand and offered condolences.  Women came up and hugged and kissed me.  Some were crying.  Fairy Tale of New York by the Pogues was playing and everyone started to sing along.  I was feeling really good.  I had a sheepish smile and laughed and sang and it was a great party.  Harry Connick Jr. was happy with the business.  And the raucous festivity carried on late into the evening.  I almost wished it wouldn’t end.  But it did.  I looked around for my scarf, but couldn’t find it.  Several women offered to take me home.  Burping… I respectfully declined.

I made it outside while everyone wished me all the best and flagged down a cab.  I was completely hammered.  He drove me and my now dry filthy pants home.  I made it inside my apartment.  Got undressed and flopped down on my bed.  And when my head hit the pillow my last thought was… she never even said… goodbye.

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 27

BOOM… baBOOM…BOOM… baBOOM!

My head… BOOM!  Pounding in my head…  I was in hell.  I really… BOOM… really… was in hell.

I was sick… I felt dehydrated… nauseous…

Then the smell hit me.  Disgusting… puke.  I was lying in bed naked and there was puke on my pillow… on my bed… and the smell…  I couldn’t move my head… BOOM! 

And then… I realized the bed was wet… I was wet…  I must have peed the bed… Hell.  BOOM! 

My bum… it was wet, but… no… I reached back… weakly… my hand felt something squishy and wet… no… I had shit myself… no… HELL.  BOOM!  I had puked, peed and shit myself.  I now had shit on one hand and puke on the other… my head hurts.  BOOM!  What did I do???

I had to get up.  I couldn’t possibly stay like this.  Lying in shit, and pee… and puke.  And the smell…  I weakly got up and a fresh round of nausea went through me.  I felt like throwing up again.  No.  Focus.  What to do?  I had to clean myself up.  I wanted to touch my head, but my hands were covered…  A shower.  I needed to wash off.  This was not going to be pleasant.  I stood.  The room whirled around me.  I felt like crying.  I don’t know how, but I was able to make it to the bathroom navigating through old pizza boxes, fast food containers, and alcohol bottles.  In horror, I looked at myself in the mirror.  I looked like the dead.  I felt like the dead.  How?  Why?  Jake’s pendant… the pendant Jake gave me hung from my neck… it was covered in puke.  I felt ashamed.  Oh, Jake.  I need you.  The pendant was a witness to my shame.  I ran the hot water and washed off the worst… off my hands.  My head was still booming as I turned on the shower and stepped in.  I let the hot water run over me.  And just washed away my sins.  My filth.  I washed and I washed and then I washed again.  The filth was gone.  The shame and guilt remained. 

I got out of the shower and dried myself off.  My head was still pounding, but I was clean.  My pendant was clean.  It gave me hope… or so I thought.  I went out into the living room and briefly surveyed the trash.  At least the sofa was clean and it still had a comforter and pillow.  I went to the kitchen and got myself a cold glass of water and took a couple pain pills.  I drank as much of the water as I could.  I needed relief.  I lay down on the sofa, covered myself with the soft comforter, and gently put me head on the pillow.  Boom… baboom.  The pills were taking effect.  I let myself fall asleep. 

I woke up.  I was still feeling sick.  So, I didn’t move.  I just remained motionless.  I didn’t know what time it was, what day it was…  I reached out and picked up the water from the coffee table.  The same coffee table that split my forehead open weeks ago… was it weeks ago… or longer?  I finished off the water and gingerly put my head back on the pillow.  I knew I had to clean up, but again, I just fell asleep.

I woke up… again.  Sun was shining through the windows.  My head no longer hurt.  I was able to sit up.  And although my head no longer hurt, my mind was still foggy and dazed.  I looked around at my apartment.  My plants were dying or looked like they were dying.  The garbage scattered around did not look as bad in the morning light as it had before.  I started there.  I got dressed and then I cleaned up.  Everything went into a big trash bag.  I opened the windows and fresh warm Spring air flowed in.  Dishes had been piled into the sink and on the counters.  I cleaned them up.  I made coffee and had some toast.  Life was coming back.  In the coming weeks I would nurse my plants back to health.  I would nurse myself back to health… without the booze.  That party was over.  I threw out my mattress and purchased a new one.  Spring had returned.  Hope.  When I looked at myself in the mirror I no longer looked like the dead.  I looked healthy again.  Except for the fresh scar on my forehead.  But even that looked better.  I touched Jake’s pendant and felt good. 

Jake’s pendant.  Well, it was really my pendant.  I just called it Jake’s pendant.  It was my crutch.  There were times when I would think about him… miss him… and I would clutch Jake’s pendant and it calmed me down.  Times I would wonder what he was doing.  Was he off filming wild beaver in the wild?  Following his dreams.  Dreams that didn’t include me?  Sometimes I would even feel jealous of wild beavers.  I would touch Jake’s pendant and it brought me back from foolish thoughts. 

I was sitting on my sofa one day, alone and despondent.  No direction.  No path.  I felt like… lost.  And depressing thoughts began filtering again through my mind.  No.  I can’t do that again.  I mean… Jake can go out into the wild alone and not be afraid.  So, as I held Jake’s pendant, I thought what would Jake do?  Probably something stupid and annoying!  And then I thought… is that what I needed to do?  Something stupid and annoying?  In order to get over Jake… or to have Jake with me… along with his pendant… I would have to become Jake!  And there it was… a direction… a path forward.  Out of hell and into life.  And Jake would be my guide. 

Outside, flowers were in bloom.  Birds sang.  Pesky bugs flittered.  LIFE!  It was the middle of Spring.  I went to the mall.  And purchased a new wardrobe.  Hiking boots!  I never had hiking boots before.  It made me smile.  Just that first purchase reminded me of Jake!  I purchased camo pants and camo shorts and denim pants and denim shorts and heavy hiking socks to be worn in my heavy hiking boots!  Glorious!  I purchased flannel long sleeved shirts and flannel short sleeved shirts.  And sweatshirts and T-shirts with stupid Jake like logos.  At home, I tried on my new wardrobe and looked at myself in the mirror.  I was looking at me, but I felt closer to Jake than I had for a long time.  Maybe closer than I ever had.  Stop it… stop it.  I clutched Jake’s pendant.  Whew.  And I smiled.  I felt alive.  Isn’t that stupid?  Just dressing up like Jake?  Annoying really.  Maybe I could have a lock of my hair hang down and cover up my scar.  I laughed thinking about it.  That annoying lock of hair.  Sigh.

So, now what???  I was, after all, on a mission!  What would Jake do?  If I could guess, what would he be doing right now?  Well, that was obvious, he would be photographing annoying wild beavers in the stupid wild!  I am not going to make that my obsession!  Beavers!  But what about just taking pictures?  I didn’t have a camera.  I wouldn’t know what to do with it.  I know what a camera does.  I just never thought about using one.  I mean, what for???  To take pictures, stupid!  Right.  I guess… I needed a camera. 

There was a camera shop close by and, even though I had no clue and totally out of my element, I walked inside intent on what I don’t know.  Making a stupid fool out of myself!  There was camera equipment everywhere.  There were cameras and lenses and tripods and stuff I didn’t even know what they were.  An older man came up to me and asked if I needed help.  I must have looked like an idiot because he asked again if I needed help.  Ahhh… yeah.  I would like a camera… I guess.  What type of camera are you looking for?  Ahhh… one that takes… pictures?  I don’t know!!!  He sighed.  Okay.  Let me show you some of our cameras.  He took out little ones and I was like no, Jake has one that is big.  I want a big camera that is super easy to use.  And it has to come with different lenses… because Jake was always switching lenses.  Well, that could be expensive.  I don’t care.  Don’t you understand?  I am trying to be Jake!  I didn’t say that.  And so, after being shown numerous cameras and lenses, I finally settled on one that most closely resembled Jake’s.  I bought a camera and different lenses and a camera bag and a thing called a memory card.  The man was very patient, although there were times, I felt he was a little annoyed.  I knew all about being annoyed!  He taught me the basics on how to work the camera.  It was all auto-focus.  Super easy to work.  How to change the lenses and how to change the batteries and how to insert and remove the memory card and holy, all this just to take a picture!  Geez, Jake.  I never realized!

I took the camera and all the accessories back home and laid them out on my coffee table.  What now???  So much packaging.  I managed a little organization and was able to put my camera together with a lens and memory card and packed them into my camera bag.  I felt together.  Composed and ready to… well, I wasn’t sure.  What would Jake do?  I know what Jake wanted to do!  I decided to head to the local park and practice taking some pictures of what I really don’t know.  And guess what I discovered?  People.

Oh yes, I did start taking photos of trees and squirrels and cats and dogs.  It felt awkward.  I guess being on the other side of the camera.  Does that make sense?  I saw a little girl playing with her mom and snapped a few pictures.  She was laughing and having fun.  Just playing in the sun.  And me?  Capturing it all.  Moments.  Was that what I was to Jake?  Just moments?  I would photograph other people too.  A couple walking their dog.  Teenagers throwing a frisbee.  A couple rowing a canoe on the river.  Moments in time. 

I returned home and uploaded my collections of moments onto my laptop.  Yes, I have one.  I looked at the photos in wonder.  Was this what Jake saw when he looked at the DICE.  When he looked at me?  Who was he looking at now?  Was he thinking about me?  Stop.  I clutched my pendant and closed my eyes.  Stay focused. 

I miss him.  I want to go back.  I want to tell him I am sorry.  I already did though.  STOP!  STOP!  STOP!!!  Again, I clutched my pendant.  I know I cannot go back.  And I don’t want to… but…

Focus is what I have to do.  One day at a time.  Just go out and take photos.  Be Jake…