Tag: books

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 24

Three more shoots remained in Jake’s contract.  That’s it.  What was I going to do?  All my planning and manipulation and conceiving had amounted to nothing.  Nothing had worked.  Oh yes, Jake is a “friend”, but beyond that… how can he NOT remember fucking me???  I am like powerless.  I feel weak.  Sometimes I find myself just sitting on my sofa in a daze or lying in bed staring at the ceiling or in the bath tub looking at the faucet.  What to do?  What to do about Jake?  The sex was incredible.  The Animal Sex was mind blowing… although my butt hurt for a week.  And then I realized something.  I haven’t actually had sex in … like I don’t know when.  Worse still, I haven’t even really thought about having sex even though I think about sex.  Even when I was in the shower recently with Piper and Josie my mind wasn’t thinking about sex.  How is that possible?  Sex has always been a vital part of my life.  It’s been my job!  I am a Spiritual Healer!  But there is nothing.  I feel emptiness.  Empty except for thoughts of Jake.  What has he done to me?  What have I done to myself?  3 more shoots…

I cannot just be friends with Jake.  I just can’t do that!  But he was so nice… he called me Sweetie in that note he left for me.  The note that is by my bed.  The note I read every night.  He made me chicken noodle soup… and he smashed that guy’s face defending me… he slept with me and yes, he remembers doing that!  He just doesn’t remember having sex with me.  And he will leave after his contract is over… go photograph stupid fucking wild beavers in the wild.  And the emptiness I feel will be complete.  Alone.  I find myself… like what?  Missing him?  That makes me laugh!  And I feel tears run down my cheek… while I am laughing. 

I need to do something.  Watered my plants.  Check.  Cleaned my apartment.  Check check.  Washed my laundry… check, check, check… I need something else to do. 

Ivan called!  Finally!  And yet it came with some dread.  The next shoot was once again going to be outside at a church.  A church?  I have never been to church.  Somehow, it doesn’t seem appropriate.  And it’s getting colder.  We were to wear dresses with lace and netting and gloves.  He did promise to once again have some heaters.  And no, it wasn’t going to be inside the church.  Just the outside.  I really didn’t want to pose inside a church.  Any church.  The DICE were to meet at the Mansion and get dressed up.  Make-up.  Hair.  Everything.  Then we would meet Jake at the location.  That was different.  Normally, Jake drives us.  This was not supposed to be a nude shoot.  Just the dresses and us in them.  I wasn’t sure what to do. 

I decided to go shopping at the nearest mall.  It was cold outside so I bundled up and grabbed my favorite scarf and then headed out the door.  The mall wasn’t too busy, but it was decked out in Christmas lights and Christmas music was playing and it made me want to throw up.  It was like an atmosphere of cheery, warm, kumbaya crap.  When really, people were miserable and it would go on for almost two months.  I sat down at a bench across from a lingerie shop.  I love lingerie.  I took off my scarf and set it down.  I had a lot of lingerie in my wardrobe, but I still like getting new stuff.  Who doesn’t?  Black.  I have been on a white kick lately, but my mood… well, somehow has become dark.  Black panties and a black lacy bra.  A garter belt with black netted stockings.  I became excited.  I jumped up and walked into the shop and began looking around.  A young woman came up and asked if I needed any help.  I told her what I was looking for and together we found some black lingerie with red trim and small red flowers.  Perfect!  I like sexy stuff.  She asked if this was a gift for me or … someone else?  I laughed.  A little of both.  I couldn’t wait to get home and try it on!  Funny, I wasn’t even thinking about lingerie or gifts or … well, I wasn’t really thinking about anything at all when I came to the mall.  Now though, as I hurried home, I was thinking about Jake.  Maybe, just maybe, I will let him have the new panties.  I almost felt sinister! 

Everything fit perfect.  I stood in front of the mirror and I looked absolutely seductive!  I almost got turned on a little.  Put a hand between my legs and rubbed … my beaver a bit.  It’s been so long.  Oh, Jake.  I soon started imagining his hand down there.  His smell.  I went into my bedroom, sat on the bed, and began smelling his shirt.  Now, I really was getting turned on!  His touch on my skin.  On my breasts.  Pinching my nipples.  I think about the Animal Sex.  Jake’s mouth and tongue… while he finger fucks me… his beautiful cock in my ass pounding me into sexual submission.  The sweat… the taste of him in my mouth… his breathing… his breath… he wasn’t here, but I could still imagine him. 

Ivan did call again with a date and time.  I met Piper and Josie at the Mansion.  We had our hair, nails and make up professionally done.  It took most of the day, but we looked really good.  I showed Piper and Josie my new lingerie and they thought it looked really hot!  My dress was satiny red and felt good on my skin.  I had a black netted hat and black lace gloves with matching shoes.  It could not have been more perfect.  How is that even possible?!  But it was.  My whole outfit matched!  I felt beautiful. 

We arrived at the church in the early evening.  There were heaters which was nice because the weather was starting to cool off again.  Jake showed up a little later.  I wanted to run to him!  He said we all looked really nice and that he would try and have a quick shoot.  I still had no clue what I was going to do at this time.  I mean … somehow, I wanted to get him my panties, but wasn’t quite sure how I was going to do that.  I was really just going on impulse.  Letting things play out because every plan I had in the past has failed.  There is also the very real possibility that if… IF, we have sex, it could be Animal Sex again.  And as much as I may have enjoyed it, it was still a little scary!  What if it was even more savage?

And then there was the church… stark and bleak.  Smokers wafted fake smoke around the front and steps of the church.  It had three doors?  Why does a church have three front doors?  Maybe people want to leave in a hurry.  Anyway, there was three of us so we all took a door to pose in front of and Jake began taking his shots.  At first, well, almost the entire time, I thought lightning would strike me down.  I was like a trespasser.  A blasphemer.  A sinner.  And then, I said to hell with it!  I started getting into the poses.  Blowing Jake kisses.  Bending over.  Rubbing my legs.  Cupping my breasts.  Putting my hands near my crotch and then stretching my arms in the air.  Oh yeah!  This was becoming fun.  To hell with the church!  Josie and Piper were also getting into it as we seduced and seduced and seduced … Jake and his camera. 

Snow started to fall.  At least it wasn’t lightning.  But it still gave me a shiver.  The shoot was over.  The last outside shoot.  The crew started packing up.  Jake was packing up.  Panic soon gripped me.  I didn’t know what to do.  Josie and Piper said they had rides.  I went up to Jake… and froze.  Could you give me a ride to the Mansion?  Sure.  He said sure!  I have no idea what I am doing!!!  I just know… I want to be with him.  We get into his shit-box car.  It smells like vanilla.  I feel almost like I am on a first date.  Nervous.  Anticipation.  The snow begins to fall heavier.  Jake says there may be a storm coming.  I feel chilled.  Jake turns on the heater.  Obviously, for me.  He is so nice… I want to touch him.  Maybe, I should just kiss him right now.  Get it over with.  But he is driving.  And the roads are slippery.  That is what I tell myself.  But really, I am just scared of him.  Or maybe I am scared how he will react. 

By the time we pull into the Mansion’s garage, the storm has set in.  The winds are blowing.  I get out of Jake’s car.  He gets out.  I tell him I want to show him something.  Do I ever want to show him something!  And what is crazy is that he has seen it all before!  Okay.  I take his hand.  I imagine his eyes on my ass as I lead him inside the Mansion.  His grip on my hand is gentle.  I am so fucking nervous… and I don’t know why!  I want him so bad.  I lead him through the Mansion and up the stairs.  I look back and smile… a tentative smile.  I don’t know why I smiled.  That lock of hair hanging down his forehead.  Any moment, I am going to lose him.  I know it.  But I lead him into the master bedroom anyway.  Guilt.  Shame.  The church.  Blasphemer. 

I ask him to unzip my dress.  He does.  I slide it off.  I take off my hat while he takes off my shoes.  His hands are on my legs and they travel up to my ass.  He smells my crotch.  Oh god!  I sit on the bed and he quickly gets undressed.  He is standing in front of me.  His erection is in front of me.  I put my hand on him.  It is so hot.  Beautiful.  I cannot help myself.  I kiss him.  I kiss… it.  My tongue briefly swirls over his head.  So hot.  My mind is starting to drift.  I look up at him.  Into his eyes.  He touches my cheek gently and there is … kindness in his eyes.  Oh no!!!  Not that.  Almost pity.  I was expecting Animal Sex!  I wanted to be punished.  Not gentleness.  Not mercy!  This is worse!!!  He gently pushes me back onto the bed.  His hands go to my black lace panties with the red flowers.  I am wet.  He takes them off and puts his face between my legs… gently kissing me.  I am starting to quiver.  He comes up to my face and we kiss.  The kindness in his lips.  His breath.  My legs wrap around him.  And then… I feel him slowly, carefully… slide into me.  What is he doing to me???  My arms go around his neck.  My mouth is next to his ear.  He is kissing my neck.  I feel his weight on me, but it too is gentle… tender.  I feel him begin to pull out.  My legs tighten. 

No Jake, I whisper in his ear.  And he settles back down inside me.  I feel him there.  Not moving.  He always knows what I need!  I cannot take anymore!!!  My mouth trembles.  I feel wetness on my face.  I’m crying. 

I whisper in his ear.  Please Jake… please remember… please.  Jake, just once.  I am sorry.  I begin to sob.  Why doesn’t he remember me???  Am I such a bad person???  I keep saying his name hoping he will … hear me.  But I know he doesn’t.  I know he is not with me. 

And then I know… what I have to do…

Oh Jake, I am sorry.  Please Jake, forgive me…

Goodbye … Jake…

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 27

BOOM… baBOOM…BOOM… baBOOM!

My head… BOOM!  Pounding in my head…  I was in hell.  I really… BOOM… really… was in hell.

I was sick… I felt dehydrated… nauseous…

Then the smell hit me.  Disgusting… puke.  I was lying in bed naked and there was puke on my pillow… on my bed… and the smell…  I couldn’t move my head… BOOM! 

And then… I realized the bed was wet… I was wet…  I must have peed the bed… Hell.  BOOM! 

My bum… it was wet, but… no… I reached back… weakly… my hand felt something squishy and wet… no… I had shit myself… no… HELL.  BOOM!  I had puked, peed and shit myself.  I now had shit on one hand and puke on the other… my head hurts.  BOOM!  What did I do???

I had to get up.  I couldn’t possibly stay like this.  Lying in shit, and pee… and puke.  And the smell…  I weakly got up and a fresh round of nausea went through me.  I felt like throwing up again.  No.  Focus.  What to do?  I had to clean myself up.  I wanted to touch my head, but my hands were covered…  A shower.  I needed to wash off.  This was not going to be pleasant.  I stood.  The room whirled around me.  I felt like crying.  I don’t know how, but I was able to make it to the bathroom navigating through old pizza boxes, fast food containers, and alcohol bottles.  In horror, I looked at myself in the mirror.  I looked like the dead.  I felt like the dead.  How?  Why?  Jake’s pendant… the pendant Jake gave me hung from my neck… it was covered in puke.  I felt ashamed.  Oh, Jake.  I need you.  The pendant was a witness to my shame.  I ran the hot water and washed off the worst… off my hands.  My head was still booming as I turned on the shower and stepped in.  I let the hot water run over me.  And just washed away my sins.  My filth.  I washed and I washed and then I washed again.  The filth was gone.  The shame and guilt remained. 

I got out of the shower and dried myself off.  My head was still pounding, but I was clean.  My pendant was clean.  It gave me hope… or so I thought.  I went out into the living room and briefly surveyed the trash.  At least the sofa was clean and it still had a comforter and pillow.  I went to the kitchen and got myself a cold glass of water and took a couple pain pills.  I drank as much of the water as I could.  I needed relief.  I lay down on the sofa, covered myself with the soft comforter, and gently put me head on the pillow.  Boom… baboom.  The pills were taking effect.  I let myself fall asleep. 

I woke up.  I was still feeling sick.  So, I didn’t move.  I just remained motionless.  I didn’t know what time it was, what day it was…  I reached out and picked up the water from the coffee table.  The same coffee table that split my forehead open weeks ago… was it weeks ago… or longer?  I finished off the water and gingerly put my head back on the pillow.  I knew I had to clean up, but again, I just fell asleep.

I woke up… again.  Sun was shining through the windows.  My head no longer hurt.  I was able to sit up.  And although my head no longer hurt, my mind was still foggy and dazed.  I looked around at my apartment.  My plants were dying or looked like they were dying.  The garbage scattered around did not look as bad in the morning light as it had before.  I started there.  I got dressed and then I cleaned up.  Everything went into a big trash bag.  I opened the windows and fresh warm Spring air flowed in.  Dishes had been piled into the sink and on the counters.  I cleaned them up.  I made coffee and had some toast.  Life was coming back.  In the coming weeks I would nurse my plants back to health.  I would nurse myself back to health… without the booze.  That party was over.  I threw out my mattress and purchased a new one.  Spring had returned.  Hope.  When I looked at myself in the mirror I no longer looked like the dead.  I looked healthy again.  Except for the fresh scar on my forehead.  But even that looked better.  I touched Jake’s pendant and felt good. 

Jake’s pendant.  Well, it was really my pendant.  I just called it Jake’s pendant.  It was my crutch.  There were times when I would think about him… miss him… and I would clutch Jake’s pendant and it calmed me down.  Times I would wonder what he was doing.  Was he off filming wild beaver in the wild?  Following his dreams.  Dreams that didn’t include me?  Sometimes I would even feel jealous of wild beavers.  I would touch Jake’s pendant and it brought me back from foolish thoughts. 

I was sitting on my sofa one day, alone and despondent.  No direction.  No path.  I felt like… lost.  And depressing thoughts began filtering again through my mind.  No.  I can’t do that again.  I mean… Jake can go out into the wild alone and not be afraid.  So, as I held Jake’s pendant, I thought what would Jake do?  Probably something stupid and annoying!  And then I thought… is that what I needed to do?  Something stupid and annoying?  In order to get over Jake… or to have Jake with me… along with his pendant… I would have to become Jake!  And there it was… a direction… a path forward.  Out of hell and into life.  And Jake would be my guide. 

Outside, flowers were in bloom.  Birds sang.  Pesky bugs flittered.  LIFE!  It was the middle of Spring.  I went to the mall.  And purchased a new wardrobe.  Hiking boots!  I never had hiking boots before.  It made me smile.  Just that first purchase reminded me of Jake!  I purchased camo pants and camo shorts and denim pants and denim shorts and heavy hiking socks to be worn in my heavy hiking boots!  Glorious!  I purchased flannel long sleeved shirts and flannel short sleeved shirts.  And sweatshirts and T-shirts with stupid Jake like logos.  At home, I tried on my new wardrobe and looked at myself in the mirror.  I was looking at me, but I felt closer to Jake than I had for a long time.  Maybe closer than I ever had.  Stop it… stop it.  I clutched Jake’s pendant.  Whew.  And I smiled.  I felt alive.  Isn’t that stupid?  Just dressing up like Jake?  Annoying really.  Maybe I could have a lock of my hair hang down and cover up my scar.  I laughed thinking about it.  That annoying lock of hair.  Sigh.

So, now what???  I was, after all, on a mission!  What would Jake do?  If I could guess, what would he be doing right now?  Well, that was obvious, he would be photographing annoying wild beavers in the stupid wild!  I am not going to make that my obsession!  Beavers!  But what about just taking pictures?  I didn’t have a camera.  I wouldn’t know what to do with it.  I know what a camera does.  I just never thought about using one.  I mean, what for???  To take pictures, stupid!  Right.  I guess… I needed a camera. 

There was a camera shop close by and, even though I had no clue and totally out of my element, I walked inside intent on what I don’t know.  Making a stupid fool out of myself!  There was camera equipment everywhere.  There were cameras and lenses and tripods and stuff I didn’t even know what they were.  An older man came up to me and asked if I needed help.  I must have looked like an idiot because he asked again if I needed help.  Ahhh… yeah.  I would like a camera… I guess.  What type of camera are you looking for?  Ahhh… one that takes… pictures?  I don’t know!!!  He sighed.  Okay.  Let me show you some of our cameras.  He took out little ones and I was like no, Jake has one that is big.  I want a big camera that is super easy to use.  And it has to come with different lenses… because Jake was always switching lenses.  Well, that could be expensive.  I don’t care.  Don’t you understand?  I am trying to be Jake!  I didn’t say that.  And so, after being shown numerous cameras and lenses, I finally settled on one that most closely resembled Jake’s.  I bought a camera and different lenses and a camera bag and a thing called a memory card.  The man was very patient, although there were times, I felt he was a little annoyed.  I knew all about being annoyed!  He taught me the basics on how to work the camera.  It was all auto-focus.  Super easy to work.  How to change the lenses and how to change the batteries and how to insert and remove the memory card and holy, all this just to take a picture!  Geez, Jake.  I never realized!

I took the camera and all the accessories back home and laid them out on my coffee table.  What now???  So much packaging.  I managed a little organization and was able to put my camera together with a lens and memory card and packed them into my camera bag.  I felt together.  Composed and ready to… well, I wasn’t sure.  What would Jake do?  I know what Jake wanted to do!  I decided to head to the local park and practice taking some pictures of what I really don’t know.  And guess what I discovered?  People.

Oh yes, I did start taking photos of trees and squirrels and cats and dogs.  It felt awkward.  I guess being on the other side of the camera.  Does that make sense?  I saw a little girl playing with her mom and snapped a few pictures.  She was laughing and having fun.  Just playing in the sun.  And me?  Capturing it all.  Moments.  Was that what I was to Jake?  Just moments?  I would photograph other people too.  A couple walking their dog.  Teenagers throwing a frisbee.  A couple rowing a canoe on the river.  Moments in time. 

I returned home and uploaded my collections of moments onto my laptop.  Yes, I have one.  I looked at the photos in wonder.  Was this what Jake saw when he looked at the DICE.  When he looked at me?  Who was he looking at now?  Was he thinking about me?  Stop.  I clutched my pendant and closed my eyes.  Stay focused. 

I miss him.  I want to go back.  I want to tell him I am sorry.  I already did though.  STOP!  STOP!  STOP!!!  Again, I clutched my pendant.  I know I cannot go back.  And I don’t want to… but…

Focus is what I have to do.  One day at a time.  Just go out and take photos.  Be Jake…