fiction – Page 3 – Badger Unfiltered

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 23

The days were getting shorter. It would soon be Winter. I was bored out of my tree. I realized that when I was delivering pizza or going to school time seemed to go by so much faster. Now, I have too much free time on my hands. And I cannot get another job because I am really on call. Never knowing when Ivan might need me. The worst part is that I have too much time to think. I start thinking about filming wild beaver in the wild and how exciting that is going to be. I have waited so long. And Spring is just around the corner. Spring is just around the corner… no more taking photos of the DICE… no more Aurora. My thoughts always come back to her! It is extremely irritating. Not much irritates me. AND that is irritating. I wonder what she is doing right now? Of course, my contract does stipulate that I cannot have any contact with any of them outside the photo sessions. So, I am just left wondering. I mean we work together so it is just normal that I think of them… right? But… I don’t really think about Piper and Josie.

I have to get out of my apartment. Clear my head. I grab my camera and without any real direction I find myself at the nearest mall. The weather is definitely cooler now so maybe I can take some photos of shoppers. Halloween has only recently ended, but just like clockwork, the stores are already pushing their Christmas sales. Christmas music plays through the speakers. Christmas lights and decorations adorn the shops. Signs entice shoppers with Christmas sales. And people buy it all up. Like some sort of Christmas magic. I never really noticed that before. But it is all just a … fantasy.

It is slightly more difficult photographing people while they are shopping as opposed to at a park. People seem more suspicious. So, the vibe was all wrong. I did get some photos, but it just wasn’t working. I sat down across from a lingerie shop… with my camera in hand. On the bench I noticed a scarf. I don’t have a scarf. I picked it up. It was soft and warm like someone had just been wearing it. Without really thinking I smelled it. Familiar? People kind of looked at me odd. Weird, how just because I was holding a camera across from a lingerie shop while smelling a scarf would get so much attention? Would they have noticed me like at the food court? I felt like saying I film women without their clothes on for a living. And what a bunch of hypocrites! Maybe, if I like had Aurora’s white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in my hand and up to my face AND my camera standing at the entrance to the lingerie shop that might have been different! Honestly, I don’t even know why I was across from the lingerie shop. A security guard came over and asked me what I was doing? I told him I was a photographer. He politely asked me to leave. I no longer belonged in the real world. Wow. So, with scarf in hand, I left.

Ivan shortly thereafter contacted me and said the Viking pics were once again great. Unfortunately, the next shoot was also going to be outside. It was the last outside shoot. The investors at StarDreamers wanted some photos of the DICE in front of a church. Not naked… of course, being cold and outside. But again, there would be heaters and some smokers. Some lighting as well. The DICE would be wearing very sensual dresses with lace hats and gloves and even lace on there high heeled shoes. He said that we, being myself and the ladies, were to meet on location. He gave me all the details I would need and being just the photographer there wasn’t many. Hard to believe it would soon be over.

A church? With the DICE? Odd, I get thrown out, well, asked to leave the mall all decorated with Christmas spirit, and now I am going to be taking photos of three very beautiful women in front of church! I cannot … begin to understand. Life at Easter Bay was so much simpler.

The day of the shoot arrived and I drove my melted soft serve vanilla ice cream smelling Chevy Nova to the church location. It was early evening. The church had an ominous appearance. In the lighting, which was already set up, it gave an impression of black and white doom. Steps led up to three individual doors. I remember something … latin… nomine patris, et filly, et spirit sankti… or something like that. Anyway, it resonated holiness. And it was cool outside even with the heaters. Fake smoke swirled around the steps. Clouds were moving in. There was snow in the forecast.

I went and greeted the ladies who were… looking incredibly beautiful. Piper was wearing a blue tight-fitting dress. Josie’s was yellow and you could just make out her tattoo snake slithering up her leg. And Aurora… she was wearing red… wow, she looked really nice. They all had black high heels … pumps… is that what they are called? I don’t know. Black lace gloves and hats with like netting that came down just past their noses. Aurora’s blonde hair was in a pony tail. And she was wearing a light red lipstick… on her … lips.

We decided to get to work. And they posed on the church steps and in front of the church doors. I took my photos. What a contrast. These beautiful women glowed with bright colour and sensuality posing in front of the hallowed ground of a bleak church. And it so worked! They were like witches or demonesses or cast aside angels! They didn’t belong and to me they seemed perfect. Almost more real. More alive. And the church became like the dead or a fantasy. The smoke swirled around the women enhancing their nymphlike appearance. And I kept snapping my camera. It wasn’t a long photo shoot. I got a lot of great photos though. We ended just as snow began to fall. The crew packed up.

Piper and Josie said they had a ride. Aurora asked if I would take her back to the Mansion. Sure. After all, it was in my contract to… do what? But I did agree to take her. I loaded up my equipment and we hopped in my car. I don’t remember ever being alone driving with Aurora. The snow was definitely coming down heavier now. I could see goose bumps on her arms so I fired up the heater and we were soon on our way in my melted soft serve vanilla ice cream smelling Chevy Nova. I wonder if she could smell it. Then I remembered the wrestling shoot with the vanilla smelling lubricant! Funny. We drove through the snow not really saying much. Even now, I am at a loss for words when it comes to Aurora. I can talk to Piper and Josie without any trouble. But with Aurora, it’s like I am worried I am going to say the wrong thing. Or maybe the right thing. She is so strange.

We made it back to the Mansion through what now looked like a heavy snowstorm. I parked in the garage and we got out. Aurora said she wanted to show me something. Okay. Did I say she was strange? She took my hand and led me inside. Her hand was so small yet mystifying. I followed her and looked at the back of her red satiny dress as it moved over her … figure. Funny how clothes can be at times more… seductive than without clothes. She led me through the Mansion and as I followed her up the stairs she looked back and smiled at me. It was a warm smile like the one she had when she was sleeping that one morning. I remembered wondering what she was dreaming about and now I am wondering… what she is smiling about now?

I wake up. I wake up in the master bed. For some reason I expected Aurora would be there. But she wasn’t. The Mansion was quiet. I could here the blizzard outside. It was late in the evening. Really late. I suppose she must have had some urgency to leave and didn’t want to wake me up. That was thoughtful. I got up and went downstairs. The Mansion reminded me of the church. Quiet and lifeless. I had never been here alone before. I decided that rather than test my car in the blizzard I would wait until morning or at least until the roads were cleared. I started up the gas fireplace and it cast eerie shadows on the walls. I found the bar and poured myself a bourbon on ice then went and sat in front of the bay window. I watched as the blizzard raged outside. I thought of a book I once read by, I think, James Joyce about the dead and snow falling on graves. It wasn’t a very interesting book. I much prefer Great Expectations. But as the snow fell and the fireplace shadows danced around the room and being alone, I couldn’t get that image of snow falling on graves from my thoughts. It was an unsettling feeling of foreboding. Unnerving. It would have been nice if Aurora was here. I might even have come up with something to say. I finished my bourbon.

I turned off the fireplace and went back upstairs. I crawled underneath the covers of the master bed. Somehow, I could smell Aurora. I liked her smell. I didn’t have her white lace panties with the faint yellow stain, but I could still smell her. I closed my eyes and let her smell fill my thoughts. I curled up in a fetal position and imagined holding her. My hand under her pajama top. She wasn’t wearing pajamas though she was wearing that satiny red dress. I could still feel her flesh and her heart beating and her breathing and the warm sweet smell of her breath… and her kiss… the softness of her lips. She kissed me. She kissed me twice. No, three times. Once on the cheek though and the first time out at the cabin when she was high on drugs. But that other time… here in the Mansion, she said she was sorry and that kiss… felt… real.

I wonder what she wanted to show me? That’s what she said. When we got out of my car. She wanted to show me something. And she led me through the Mansion as I looked at her red satiny dress moving over her… body. She smiled at me going up the stairs. She really has a nice smile. I fell asleep wondering… what did she want to show me?

I was in the black fog. It swirled around me. I could see it, but couldn’t see through it. I wasn’t a wolf this time. I was just me. I looked around. All I could see was the black fog. Out of nowhere, I thought I heard my name being called. I ran in the direction from where it came from. I yelled out, Hello! Nothing. I kept running. Frightened this time. My name was called again in the distance, but from farther away. I ran! I ran as fast I could, trying desperately to catch up. Hello!!! My heart was beating, aching… my legs were burning and all around me was the black fog. HELLO!!! Nothing. The voice was gone. I was left … standing alone… in the black fog.

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 24

Three more shoots remained in Jake’s contract. That’s it. What was I going to do? All my planning and manipulation and conceiving had amounted to nothing. Nothing had worked. Oh yes, Jake is a “friend”, but beyond that… how can he NOT remember fucking me??? I am like powerless. I feel weak. Sometimes I find myself just sitting on my sofa in a daze or lying in bed staring at the ceiling or in the bath tub looking at the faucet. What to do? What to do about Jake? The sex was incredible. The Animal Sex was mind blowing… although my butt hurt for a week. And then I realized something. I haven’t actually had sex in … like I don’t know when. Worse still, I haven’t even really thought about having sex even though I think about sex. Even when I was in the shower recently with Piper and Josie my mind wasn’t thinking about sex. How is that possible? Sex has always been a vital part of my life. It’s been my job! I am a Spiritual Healer! But there is nothing. I feel emptiness. Empty except for thoughts of Jake. What has he done to me? What have I done to myself? 3 more shoots…

I cannot just be friends with Jake. I just can’t do that! But he was so nice… he called me Sweetie in that note he left for me. The note that is by my bed. The note I read every night. He made me chicken noodle soup… and he smashed that guy’s face defending me… he slept with me and yes, he remembers doing that! He just doesn’t remember having sex with me. And he will leave after his contract is over… go photograph stupid fucking wild beavers in the wild. And the emptiness I feel will be complete. Alone. I find myself… like what? Missing him? That makes me laugh! And I feel tears run down my cheek… while I am laughing.

I need to do something. Watered my plants. Check. Cleaned my apartment. Check check. Washed my laundry… check, check, check… I need something else to do.

Ivan called! Finally! And yet it came with some dread. The next shoot was once again going to be outside at a church. A church? I have never been to church. Somehow, it doesn’t seem appropriate. And it’s getting colder. We were to wear dresses with lace and netting and gloves. He did promise to once again have some heaters. And no, it wasn’t going to be inside the church. Just the outside. I really didn’t want to pose inside a church. Any church. The DICE were to meet at the Mansion and get dressed up. Make-up. Hair. Everything. Then we would meet Jake at the location. That was different. Normally, Jake drives us. This was not supposed to be a nude shoot. Just the dresses and us in them. I wasn’t sure what to do.

I decided to go shopping at the nearest mall. It was cold outside so I bundled up and grabbed my favorite scarf and then headed out the door. The mall wasn’t too busy, but it was decked out in Christmas lights and Christmas music was playing and it made me want to throw up. It was like an atmosphere of cheery, warm, kumbaya crap. When really, people were miserable and it would go on for almost two months. I sat down at a bench across from a lingerie shop. I love lingerie. I took off my scarf and set it down. I had a lot of lingerie in my wardrobe, but I still like getting new stuff. Who doesn’t? Black. I have been on a white kick lately, but my mood… well, somehow has become dark. Black panties and a black lacy bra. A garter belt with black netted stockings. I became excited. I jumped up and walked into the shop and began looking around. A young woman came up and asked if I needed any help. I told her what I was looking for and together we found some black lingerie with red trim and small red flowers. Perfect! I like sexy stuff. She asked if this was a gift for me or … someone else? I laughed. A little of both. I couldn’t wait to get home and try it on! Funny, I wasn’t even thinking about lingerie or gifts or … well, I wasn’t really thinking about anything at all when I came to the mall. Now though, as I hurried home, I was thinking about Jake. Maybe, just maybe, I will let him have the new panties. I almost felt sinister!

Everything fit perfect. I stood in front of the mirror and I looked absolutely seductive! I almost got turned on a little. Put a hand between my legs and rubbed … my beaver a bit. It’s been so long. Oh, Jake. I soon started imagining his hand down there. His smell. I went into my bedroom, sat on the bed, and began smelling his shirt. Now, I really was getting turned on! His touch on my skin. On my breasts. Pinching my nipples. I think about the Animal Sex. Jake’s mouth and tongue… while he finger fucks me… his beautiful cock in my ass pounding me into sexual submission. The sweat… the taste of him in my mouth… his breathing… his breath… he wasn’t here, but I could still imagine him.

Ivan did call again with a date and time. I met Piper and Josie at the Mansion. We had our hair, nails and make up professionally done. It took most of the day, but we looked really good. I showed Piper and Josie my new lingerie and they thought it looked really hot! My dress was satiny red and felt good on my skin. I had a black netted hat and black lace gloves with matching shoes. It could not have been more perfect. How is that even possible?! But it was. My whole outfit matched! I felt beautiful.

We arrived at the church in the early evening. There were heaters which was nice because the weather was starting to cool off again. Jake showed up a little later. I wanted to run to him! He said we all looked really nice and that he would try and have a quick shoot. I still had no clue what I was going to do at this time. I mean … somehow, I wanted to get him my panties, but wasn’t quite sure how I was going to do that. I was really just going on impulse. Letting things play out because every plan I had in the past has failed. There is also the very real possibility that if… IF, we have sex, it could be Animal Sex again. And as much as I may have enjoyed it, it was still a little scary! What if it was even more savage?

And then there was the church… stark and bleak. Smokers wafted fake smoke around the front and steps of the church. It had three doors? Why does a church have three front doors? Maybe people want to leave in a hurry. Anyway, there was three of us so we all took a door to pose in front of and Jake began taking his shots. At first, well, almost the entire time, I thought lightning would strike me down. I was like a trespasser. A blasphemer. A sinner. And then, I said to hell with it! I started getting into the poses. Blowing Jake kisses. Bending over. Rubbing my legs. Cupping my breasts. Putting my hands near my crotch and then stretching my arms in the air. Oh yeah! This was becoming fun. To hell with the church! Josie and Piper were also getting into it as we seduced and seduced and seduced … Jake and his camera.

Snow started to fall. At least it wasn’t lightning. But it still gave me a shiver. The shoot was over. The last outside shoot. The crew started packing up. Jake was packing up. Panic soon gripped me. I didn’t know what to do. Josie and Piper said they had rides. I went up to Jake… and froze. Could you give me a ride to the Mansion? Sure. He said sure! I have no idea what I am doing!!! I just know… I want to be with him. We get into his shit-box car. It smells like vanilla. I feel almost like I am on a first date. Nervous. Anticipation. The snow begins to fall heavier. Jake says there may be a storm coming. I feel chilled. Jake turns on the heater. Obviously, for me. He is so nice… I want to touch him. Maybe, I should just kiss him right now. Get it over with. But he is driving. And the roads are slippery. That is what I tell myself. But really, I am just scared of him. Or maybe I am scared how he will react.

By the time we pull into the Mansion’s garage, the storm has set in. The winds are blowing. I get out of Jake’s car. He gets out. I tell him I want to show him something. Do I ever want to show him something! And what is crazy is that he has seen it all before! Okay. I take his hand. I imagine his eyes on my ass as I lead him inside the Mansion. His grip on my hand is gentle. I am so fucking nervous… and I don’t know why! I want him so bad. I lead him through the Mansion and up the stairs. I look back and smile… a tentative smile. I don’t know why I smiled. That lock of hair hanging down his forehead. Any moment, I am going to lose him. I know it. But I lead him into the master bedroom anyway. Guilt. Shame. The church. Blasphemer.

I ask him to unzip my dress. He does. I slide it off. I take off my hat while he takes off my shoes. His hands are on my legs and they travel up to my ass. He smells my crotch. Oh god! I sit on the bed and he quickly gets undressed. He is standing in front of me. His erection is in front of me. I put my hand on him. It is so hot. Beautiful. I cannot help myself. I kiss him. I kiss… it. My tongue briefly swirls over his head. So hot. My mind is starting to drift. I look up at him. Into his eyes. He touches my cheek gently and there is … kindness in his eyes. Oh no!!! Not that. Almost pity. I was expecting Animal Sex! I wanted to be punished. Not gentleness. Not mercy! This is worse!!! He gently pushes me back onto the bed. His hands go to my black lace panties with the red flowers. I am wet. He takes them off and puts his face between my legs… gently kissing me. I am starting to quiver. He comes up to my face and we kiss. The kindness in his lips. His breath. My legs wrap around him. And then… I feel him slowly, carefully… slide into me. What is he doing to me??? My arms go around his neck. My mouth is next to his ear. He is kissing my neck. I feel his weight on me, but it too is gentle… tender. I feel him begin to pull out. My legs tighten.

No Jake, I whisper in his ear. And he settles back down inside me. I feel him there. Not moving. He always knows what I need! I cannot take anymore!!! My mouth trembles. I feel wetness on my face. I’m crying.

I whisper in his ear. Please Jake… please remember… please. Jake, just once. I am sorry. I begin to sob. Why doesn’t he remember me??? Am I such a bad person??? I keep saying his name hoping he will … hear me. But I know he doesn’t. I know he is not with me.

And then I know… what I have to do…

Oh Jake, I am sorry. Please Jake, forgive me…

Goodbye … Jake…

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 25

I don’t know why I was so pumped up. Excited. It had to be the Christmas spirit awakened. With all the advertising and lights and snow and Christmas movies and the imminence of Christmas magic, how could one not be swept up in its excitement. I haven’t felt this way since I was like a little kid hoping for my first camera! But this year, I was friends with the Diamond Club Experiment. And obviously, and more importantly, with Aurora. I decided to get her a present! Christmas is a time of happiness! And you can give someone a gift without it meaning… well, that you might… think about them. I would also have to get gifts for Piper and Josie because I wouldn’t want anyone to think that… I favoured Aurora.

But what would I get her??? It would have to be something super special! I was unusually giddy just thinking about her opening up a gift from me. I found myself smiling without knowing why. To see her smile. She might even… kiss me. That’s stupid. Maybe more. That is really stupid! But I was smiling anyway! So, what to get her? Chocolates? No. It had to be like something she would use or something she needed. Something that would be… magical. Something that would touch her… heart. Such strange thoughts. I had her white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in my hand, where they usually were, and brought them up to my face hoping for some inspiration. They always smelled nice. Her panties. Her PANTIES! I would gift her some new white lace panties! That was perfect! She loved lingerie and she loved wearing lingerie and well, she also loved taking off her lingerie.

I got bundled up, grabbed my scarf, and headed to the mall. I knew the perfect shop. No camera this time. The mall was packed with excited shoppers. All of them had visions of Christmas miracles. Mine being more special of course. I went into the lingerie shop and like before I met the DICE, this would have been totally awkward. Now, not such a big deal. A lady came up and asked if I needed help. Sure, I am looking for some white lace panties and a bra to match. Is this for your wife or girlfriend? Ahhh, no, just a friend. She smiled and said, okay, then showed me some nice selections. One set caught my eye. Actually, I could imagine Aurora in any of them. But this one set was white and lacey trimmed in small yellow flowers. They reminded me of the faint yellow stain. Even the bra had small yellow flowers. I think I was daydreaming. Do you know what size your… friend is? What? Your friend? Her size? Yes, of course. I should know. I have seen her naked enough and seen the sizes on her lingerie. I paid for the panties and bra and was given a gift box with tissue. Mission accomplished!

But… I didn’t think it was enough. I mean this was like a one chance opportunity! I needed some special wrapping paper and ribbon and a special tag… even though the box was… small. As I walked through the mall I passed a jewellery shop. A sign said Pendants Personally Engraved Christmas Special. Aurora does not wear jewellery AT ALL. It would be like getting her a razor! I cannot imagine Aurora without armpit hair. It makes her special. But maybe no one has ever given her a pendant. She would probably think it was stupid. And that would make me feel stupid. But isn’t Christmas a time for being stupid?! I went into the shop and looked at various pendants. One stood out. It was white gold. A salesman came up and said that was a very excellent choice. Of course, that is what salesman are supposed to say. I had already made up my mind anyway. He asked if I wanted it engraved. Yes, and I told him the first thing that came to mind. He smiled and said he would have it done right away and if I had some other shopping to do, I could pick it up in about half an hour. That gave me time to pick up some nice wrapping paper, ribbon and tags. Oh, and I also bought some chocolates for Piper and Josie.

I was super excited by the time I returned home! I couldn’t wait to wrap her panties and pendant. I placed them carefully inside the tissue and inside the box closing it up and taping it shut. The wrapping paper was white and I had yellow ribbon with a red tag. I sat and stared at it. It was special. I also wrapped the chocolates.

My adrenaline had worn me out. I rarely feel worn out like that. Christmas is crazy. I needed a rest. I went to bed and started imagining the moment… when Aurora would open her gift. It would be at the Mansion…

And we were sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace. The fire was crackling. A Christmas tree was off in the corner flashing Christmas lights. Shadows played along the walls. Magical. Aurora was beautiful. I gave her my present…

What is this?

It’s my gift to you. It is Christmas.

I don’t have one for you though.

That’s okay. She smiled and looked at me. And then she opened her gift.

A pendant? No one has ever given me a pendant before. And the inscription… my words. And the panties… and bra… they are so nice! Oh Jake, you shouldn’t have. Can I try them on?

Ahhh… sure. Like right here?

You have seen me naked before, Jake.

Right…

Jake?

Yes.

Do you want to see me naked?

Ahhh… I…

Jake?

Yes.

Why did you get me white panties with small yellow flowers?

Well… because… well, I have a pair of your white lace panties with a faint yellow stain that I… kept.

What do you do with them?

Ahhh… I… ahhh… smell them.

Do you like the way they smell?

Yes. And then she took off her clothes.

Jake?

Yes.

Would you like to touch me?

Ahhh…

Jake?

Yes…

Would you like to smell me? Would you like to smell the real thing?

Ahhh… I had to swallow… I was holding my breath…

Jake? I will do whatever you want. Would you like to taste me? Would you like to taste the … real thing?

I… ahhh… Aurora…

Jake. Would you kiss me? And taste my tongue? In your mouth?

And we kissed. Her soft moist lips parted… and she slipped her tongue into my mouth…

I found my head between her legs… smelling and tasting… and…

I fell…

Into a black fog… falling… and falling… into a black fog…

I woke the next morning. Still exhausted and not remembering what I had dreamt about. Christmas, I think. Yes, it had to be something about Christmas. After all, I just went shopping for Aurora.

Ivan called later that day and said the next shoot would be December 21. The first day of Winter. It would be at the Mansion and the DICE would be dressed up in unique Christmas outfits. It should be a lot of fun. The Mansion would be decorated. There would be a tree with lights. Refreshments and appetizers. A joyous festive occasion. Something where everyone should have a lot of fun. Use your own discretion for the photos. I trust your abilities. And enjoy!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!! I was so excited. I wanted it to be tomorrow! But Christmas is a time for waiting and sometimes painfully!

But it did arrive! The day of the shoot had arrived! I showered and shaved and brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth out and got dressed up. I had even bought myself new jeans and a nice shirt and sweater! New boots! I was decked out. I just… so wanted Aurora to be impressed. She always looks so nice and she must think very little of me. I was super nervous. I was having doubts. Doubts about her gift. Was it too personal? Did it say too much? Would she be offended? I was beginning to sweat. My mind was racing. Too many thoughts. I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea. What was the wrong idea???

I drove my melted soft serve vanilla ice cream smelling Chevy Nova over to the Mansion and parked in the garage. It was early evening and snow was falling. Very Christmacy. I took a deep breath and grabbed my camera and bag of presents. I walked into the Mansion. It was smelling like pine and cinnamon and allspice. There was a glow about the place. I took off my boots and walked into the living room. The DICE were seated around the fireplace. The DICE… Piper got up and gave me a hug. She said she wanted to introduce me to Amber… Amber? I looked around. Where… where was Aurora? Piper looked at me. Aurora couldn’t be here. She had some… personal things to take care of… Personal things??? Yeah, but Amber is really nice. You will like her a lot. No, I don’t like her at all! I didn’t say that. I thought it! Amber came up to me and shook my hand and said she has already heard a lot about me. How professional I am. And how you make the women feel so comfortable. Amber, actually, seemed very nice. She had red hair and an infectious smile, but I still hated her. She probably shaved her armpits.

We had some appetizers. Finger food really. A few drinks. I gave Piper and Josie their chocolates. I asked Piper if she could get Aurora my gift. She agreed. Although she seemed a little sullen.

The ladies got dressed in like elfish Santa like outfits and posed by the Christmas tree pretending to decorate it. They wore little skirts without any underwear and soon flesh began to slip out. Amber was a natural red head I soon discovered. And although I did try to hate her… she was nice and she was beautiful, but then again, so was Piper and Josie. They just weren’t Aurora! I kept calm. And took my photos. They even posed in the kitchen pretending to be cooking a fake turkey. Bending over to put the bird in the oven. Licking their fingers… licking each other’s fingers.

Then we went upstairs to the master bedroom. This made me really uncomfortable. I had slept in that bed with Aurora. And now, she wasn’t here. They put on some red and black lingerie and started posing on the bed. I just disconnected. I haven’t felt this way in so long. I snapped my photos. I was trying to keep my emotions under control. I wanted… to run away. Their clothes came off. And they started… touching each other… and using their tongues… and spreading their legs… and fingers… and toes… and they were moaning and laughing and gasping and sweating… and when finally, they weren’t paying attention… I left.

I had my photos. I had my boots on and was driving my car and before I knew it, I was home… and it seemed like Christmas was over. I managed to hold it together until I was lying on my bed… and only then, did I allow myself to cry. I cannot remember the last time I cried. My chest hurt.

Aurora… why?

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 26

I went back, as planned, to Easter Bay for the remainder of the Christmas holidays. Some holiday. Some say that Christmas is like the most depressing time of the year. It has this huge magical like effect of excitement and anticipation of which I fell right into… and then, reality sets in… and your world crashes. Maybe not for everyone, but it certainly did for me. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see Aurora so bad. See her smile. See her glow. See her open my present. But it didn’t happen. But… I told myself there was still one more shoot left. Piper said Aurora was dealing with… things. And that is plausible. Right? So, maybe, I will see her again. And that got me through the holidays.

Mom had the cabin all lit up with Christmas cheer. Snow was falling across the Bay… gently like snow on graves. The tree was decorated with all the familiar ornaments. A few friends and family were coming over to share Christmas dinner. And I did my best to put on a positive demeanor. Mom wasn’t so much about presents. She felt that Christmas was more about people coming together. And she opened up our home. There was plenty of food. Turkey and potatoes and gravy and carrots and peas and sweet potatoes and bread made the cabin smell and taste of warmth. Spirits flowed and there were conversations about dreams and aspirations mixed in with laughter and song. After dinner, card games were played and more songs were sung. And there were smiles and a truly festive ambiance. And I went along with everything… almost merrily. And yet, in the back of mind… always in the back of my mind…

After a round of hugs and well wishes and thanks, goodbyes were made. And soon, I found myself lying in bed staring at the ceiling. A large beaver staring back at me. I had beaver shots all over my walls. I could hear the wind blowing outside. It used to comfort me when I was younger. Something about being in my own bed… at home. I wasn’t thinking about beavers. The bottom of my feet tingled like they were being poked. I saw black and white flashes… images… that I couldn’t focus on. Somehow, I should know. Know what? A strong smell… sort of like when you can smell burnt toast days later even though there is none. I could smell something… someone… Aurora. I closed my eyes.

I woke the next day. Mom was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen. She said good morning. Good morning. I sat down at the kitchen table. She made us some coffee. And then sat down as well. Looked at me and asked what was wrong? How did she know something was wrong? Because you are my son. You put on a brave face, but something is definitely bothering you. I couldn’t really speak. I didn’t know what to say. I just shook my head. Is it a girl? I looked at her and then hung my head. I felt stupid like a puppy who had just lost its bone. Was it that obvious? She touched my hand and spoke softly to me. Words of advice, but not really words of advice… more, words of understanding. Just enough. She got up, gave me a hug and kiss and went back to cleaning the kitchen. She was always busy. I stayed until just after New Year’s Day.

Back to the city. In my… Chevy Nova… that strangely, no longer smelled of vanilla. I didn’t have a New Year’s resolution, but thought it might be something like not trying to understand women. That seemed appropriate. Like really, how did I get into such a mess??? I am a simple photographer. Nothing more. And I had one more shoot to get through. That’s it. Done. And I could turn my attention to planning an excursion into the wilderness to film wild beavers in the wild! One more shoot. Would Aurora be there? I wanted to see her and yet… part of me kind of hoped… that she wouldn’t be there. Because if she was… then, I would have to say goodbye. That thought bothered me.

Ivan called. He said the shoot was going to be at a hotel room. Not the same one as before, but a more luxurious one with a jacuzzi and large bed and shower and I should enjoy myself since it was the final shoot of the contract. He asked if I was excited. Sure. I was tempted to ask if Aurora would be there… but I didn’t. He said it would be a full lingerie shoot. Meaning, a lot of different lingerie would be used by the DICE. I wish it was already over. I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. Foreboding. But I had a job to do.

The day arrived. The weather was bleak. Overcast and wet. A light drizzle was falling that made the snow slushy. I drove my no longer vanilla smelling Chevy Nova to the hotel. The room was on the top floor and I knocked on the door. It opened. I remembered the last time I knocked on a hotel room door. Aurora answered. This time, however, Amber answered. No Aurora. Amber smiled and invited me in. She did have a nice smile. I hated it. Not really. Piper and Josie came up and gave me a hug. They were already in their underwear. I got out my camera and once again I got to work. They posed on the bed and on the couch and in the bathroom in various types of lingerie. They posed individually and together. They posed taking off their outfits. I still find it amazing that so little material like lingerie can be so seductively, provocatively… stimulating. They posed in the shower and the jacuzzi wearing their underwear and soon the underwear was off altogether and they just posed nude. Laughing and carrying on. And then what usually happened… happened. They started kissing more… and then more… they were kissing before, but that was like tease kissing for the camera. Now, it was pure physical. Once more, tongues and fingers began exploring. Moans as they touched their wet bodies in the jacuzzi. They moved from the jacuzzi to the bed and I just kept snapping my photos. Their hair and Josie’s snake and Piper’s full… chest… even Amber with her red short hairs were all being touched and… licked and still the moans and gasps.

I was done. I finished while they were still … doing. I left and went home. It was over. Everything was over. I know I should have said goodbye. At least to Piper and Josie. Even to Amber. Amber really didn’t do anything wrong. It was the last shoot so I did feel guilty about that. But… I just couldn’t. There was nothing left. I went back to my apartment. I would send off the photos later. At that moment, I just wanted to sit and be alone. I had the white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in my hand. I brought them up to my face. There was no smell. It too, was gone. I looked and noticed even the faint yellow stain had faded away. My eyes watered. And the tears trickled down my cheeks. All I could do was wipe them… with her panties. And admit, she really was gone.

The next day was still bleak. Overcast. The city still moved, but to me, it was dead. I had to do something besides wallow in self-pity. I got dressed and grabbed my scarf and headed out. To do what? I really don’t know. Nor, did I care. Maybe, like winning the lottery or something, I would find her. I mean, in a huge city, there was a chance. Right? So, I wandered the downtown streets… lost in my thoughts. I soon dreaded my decision. The city was active, but the people seemed just as miserable as I was. How could you not be with slush and drizzle and the promise of Christmas debts that would have to be repaid? It was windy. Sleet blew in my face. And then, a bus came right by me, hit a pothole and splashed slush and dirt and grime and whatever else across my legs. Instantly wet and cold. It just kept on going. Some people stared at me. I just looked around like what??? Could things get any worse???

There was a bar right on the corner beside a liquor store. I went inside the bar to get warm and felt I, right now at that moment, DESERVED at least one drink! I grabbed a stool at the bar. The bartender, who vaguely reminded me of Harry Connick Jr., with slightly dopey eyes, asked what I wanted. I was tempted to say a Screwdriver, but I needed something more… manly. Rye and ginger. And soon he returned. I sat for the longest time just staring at it with my wet legs and sore chest. I sipped and it tasted good. It warmed me and my chest relaxed. A guy came up to me and asked if I remembered him. Should I? Well, you busted my nose and I just wanted to apologize… for pushing down the girl. Can I buy you a drink? Actually, he insisted on buying me a drink. Then, from farther down the bar an old man approached me. It was the actor! From the Sensational Bar! He really works at getting into character! How you doing young man? Did you work things out with your lady friend? Broken nose said you know him? Yup, did some work with him. A beautiful woman ended up slapping him good! And the old man insisted on buying me a drink! I now had a couple drinks and everyone wanted to know about Aurora. I told them it was over. But you did like her, didn’t you? She was nice. Yes. Okay, I liked her… but it is over. The bartender came back over interested in my story. So, who is this woman? The old man said she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. And she slapped him! Busted nose said she was beautiful too and… when he pushed her down, which he regretted, this guy came and broke my nose! I looked sheepishly at the bartender and just nodded. Here is another drink on the house.

By this time, I was feeling like… really good. I started telling them about how beautiful she really was… and about her white lace panties with the faint yellow stain… but that they no longer smelled and the yellow stain had faded away. Soon, there were other people who wanted to hear my story of woe. Men and women. I talked about the photo shoots and how I only did it because I wanted to photograph wild beavers in the wild. Men were saying, who doesn’t? Women were asking if they could help! And the drinks flowed. Broken nose said he had to leave, but by this time I had a crowd around me. The old man looked like he was fully in the bag. Men shook my hand and offered condolences. Women came up and hugged and kissed me. Some were crying. Fairy Tale of New York by the Pogues was playing and everyone started to sing along. I was feeling really good. I had a sheepish smile and laughed and sang and it was a great party. Harry Connick Jr. was happy with the business. And the raucous festivity carried on late into the evening. I almost wished it wouldn’t end. But it did. I looked around for my scarf, but couldn’t find it. Several women offered to take me home. Burping… I respectfully declined.

I made it outside while everyone wished me all the best and flagged down a cab. I was completely hammered. He drove me and my now dry filthy pants home. I made it inside my apartment. Got undressed and flopped down on my bed. And when my head hit the pillow my last thought was… she never even said… goodbye.

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 27

BOOM… baBOOM…BOOM… baBOOM!

My head… BOOM! Pounding in my head… I was in hell. I really… BOOM… really… was in hell.

I was sick… I felt dehydrated… nauseous…

Then the smell hit me. Disgusting… puke. I was lying in bed naked and there was puke on my pillow… on my bed… and the smell… I couldn’t move my head… BOOM!

And then… I realized the bed was wet… I was wet… I must have peed the bed… Hell. BOOM!

My bum… it was wet, but… no… I reached back… weakly… my hand felt something squishy and wet… no… I had shit myself… no… HELL. BOOM! I had puked, peed and shit myself. I now had shit on one hand and puke on the other… my head hurts. BOOM! What did I do???

I had to get up. I couldn’t possibly stay like this. Lying in shit, and pee… and puke. And the smell… I weakly got up and a fresh round of nausea went through me. I felt like throwing up again. No. Focus. What to do? I had to clean myself up. I wanted to touch my head, but my hands were covered… A shower. I needed to wash off. This was not going to be pleasant. I stood. The room whirled around me. I felt like crying. I don’t know how, but I was able to make it to the bathroom navigating through old pizza boxes, fast food containers, and alcohol bottles. In horror, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like the dead. I felt like the dead. How? Why? Jake’s pendant… the pendant Jake gave me hung from my neck… it was covered in puke. I felt ashamed. Oh, Jake. I need you. The pendant was a witness to my shame. I ran the hot water and washed off the worst… off my hands. My head was still booming as I turned on the shower and stepped in. I let the hot water run over me. And just washed away my sins. My filth. I washed and I washed and then I washed again. The filth was gone. The shame and guilt remained.

I got out of the shower and dried myself off. My head was still pounding, but I was clean. My pendant was clean. It gave me hope… or so I thought. I went out into the living room and briefly surveyed the trash. At least the sofa was clean and it still had a comforter and pillow. I went to the kitchen and got myself a cold glass of water and took a couple pain pills. I drank as much of the water as I could. I needed relief. I lay down on the sofa, covered myself with the soft comforter, and gently put me head on the pillow. Boom… baboom. The pills were taking effect. I let myself fall asleep.

I woke up. I was still feeling sick. So, I didn’t move. I just remained motionless. I didn’t know what time it was, what day it was… I reached out and picked up the water from the coffee table. The same coffee table that split my forehead open weeks ago… was it weeks ago… or longer? I finished off the water and gingerly put my head back on the pillow. I knew I had to clean up, but again, I just fell asleep.

I woke up… again. Sun was shining through the windows. My head no longer hurt. I was able to sit up. And although my head no longer hurt, my mind was still foggy and dazed. I looked around at my apartment. My plants were dying or looked like they were dying. The garbage scattered around did not look as bad in the morning light as it had before. I started there. I got dressed and then I cleaned up. Everything went into a big trash bag. I opened the windows and fresh warm Spring air flowed in. Dishes had been piled into the sink and on the counters. I cleaned them up. I made coffee and had some toast. Life was coming back. In the coming weeks I would nurse my plants back to health. I would nurse myself back to health… without the booze. That party was over. I threw out my mattress and purchased a new one. Spring had returned. Hope. When I looked at myself in the mirror I no longer looked like the dead. I looked healthy again. Except for the fresh scar on my forehead. But even that looked better. I touched Jake’s pendant and felt good.

Jake’s pendant. Well, it was really my pendant. I just called it Jake’s pendant. It was my crutch. There were times when I would think about him… miss him… and I would clutch Jake’s pendant and it calmed me down. Times I would wonder what he was doing. Was he off filming wild beaver in the wild? Following his dreams. Dreams that didn’t include me? Sometimes I would even feel jealous of wild beavers. I would touch Jake’s pendant and it brought me back from foolish thoughts.

I was sitting on my sofa one day, alone and despondent. No direction. No path. I felt like… lost. And depressing thoughts began filtering again through my mind. No. I can’t do that again. I mean… Jake can go out into the wild alone and not be afraid. So, as I held Jake’s pendant, I thought what would Jake do? Probably something stupid and annoying! And then I thought… is that what I needed to do? Something stupid and annoying? In order to get over Jake… or to have Jake with me… along with his pendant… I would have to become Jake! And there it was… a direction… a path forward. Out of hell and into life. And Jake would be my guide.

Outside, flowers were in bloom. Birds sang. Pesky bugs flittered. LIFE! It was the middle of Spring. I went to the mall. And purchased a new wardrobe. Hiking boots! I never had hiking boots before. It made me smile. Just that first purchase reminded me of Jake! I purchased camo pants and camo shorts and denim pants and denim shorts and heavy hiking socks to be worn in my heavy hiking boots! Glorious! I purchased flannel long sleeved shirts and flannel short sleeved shirts. And sweatshirts and T-shirts with stupid Jake like logos. At home, I tried on my new wardrobe and looked at myself in the mirror. I was looking at me, but I felt closer to Jake than I had for a long time. Maybe closer than I ever had. Stop it… stop it. I clutched Jake’s pendant. Whew. And I smiled. I felt alive. Isn’t that stupid? Just dressing up like Jake? Annoying really. Maybe I could have a lock of my hair hang down and cover up my scar. I laughed thinking about it. That annoying lock of hair. Sigh.

So, now what??? I was, after all, on a mission! What would Jake do? If I could guess, what would he be doing right now? Well, that was obvious, he would be photographing annoying wild beavers in the stupid wild! I am not going to make that my obsession! Beavers! But what about just taking pictures? I didn’t have a camera. I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I know what a camera does. I just never thought about using one. I mean, what for??? To take pictures, stupid! Right. I guess… I needed a camera.

There was a camera shop close by and, even though I had no clue and totally out of my element, I walked inside intent on what I don’t know. Making a stupid fool out of myself! There was camera equipment everywhere. There were cameras and lenses and tripods and stuff I didn’t even know what they were. An older man came up to me and asked if I needed help. I must have looked like an idiot because he asked again if I needed help. Ahhh… yeah. I would like a camera… I guess. What type of camera are you looking for? Ahhh… one that takes… pictures? I don’t know!!! He sighed. Okay. Let me show you some of our cameras. He took out little ones and I was like no, Jake has one that is big. I want a big camera that is super easy to use. And it has to come with different lenses… because Jake was always switching lenses. Well, that could be expensive. I don’t care. Don’t you understand? I am trying to be Jake! I didn’t say that. And so, after being shown numerous cameras and lenses, I finally settled on one that most closely resembled Jake’s. I bought a camera and different lenses and a camera bag and a thing called a memory card. The man was very patient, although there were times, I felt he was a little annoyed. I knew all about being annoyed! He taught me the basics on how to work the camera. It was all auto-focus. Super easy to work. How to change the lenses and how to change the batteries and how to insert and remove the memory card and holy, all this just to take a picture! Geez, Jake. I never realized!

I took the camera and all the accessories back home and laid them out on my coffee table. What now??? So much packaging. I managed a little organization and was able to put my camera together with a lens and memory card and packed them into my camera bag. I felt together. Composed and ready to… well, I wasn’t sure. What would Jake do? I know what Jake wanted to do! I decided to head to the local park and practice taking some pictures of what I really don’t know. And guess what I discovered? People.

Oh yes, I did start taking photos of trees and squirrels and cats and dogs. It felt awkward. I guess being on the other side of the camera. Does that make sense? I saw a little girl playing with her mom and snapped a few pictures. She was laughing and having fun. Just playing in the sun. And me? Capturing it all. Moments. Was that what I was to Jake? Just moments? I would photograph other people too. A couple walking their dog. Teenagers throwing a frisbee. A couple rowing a canoe on the river. Moments in time.

I returned home and uploaded my collections of moments onto my laptop. Yes, I have one. I looked at the photos in wonder. Was this what Jake saw when he looked at the DICE. When he looked at me? Who was he looking at now? Was he thinking about me? Stop. I clutched my pendant and closed my eyes. Stay focused.

I miss him. I want to go back. I want to tell him I am sorry. I already did though. STOP! STOP! STOP!!! Again, I clutched my pendant. I know I cannot go back. And I don’t want to… but…

Focus is what I have to do. One day at a time. Just go out and take photos. Be Jake…