love – Badger Unfiltered

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 28

I was stalling. And I knew it. I just didn’t know why. Or maybe I did. I received my sponsorship money and it was a very nice endowment for my dreams. And yet… I was stalling. Most of my life, all I dreamt about was being a naturalist photographer filming wild beavers in the wild. And now, I just cannot get her out of my mind. Aurora. I spent almost a year with Aurora, Piper, and Josie. It was just supposed to be a job. I feel like something changed in me. I remember being shocked that first time in the hotel. Almost traumatized. I found out they were escorts. And the things they did… that I witnessed. And then I got used to it. Was I desensitized or did I actually enjoy it? They were beautiful. They ARE beautiful. But Aurora… it always comes back to her. It is like she has a hold on me. Her kiss…

It’s early Spring. The harshness of Winter is fading away. I have to make plans. Even though I really don’t want to. Like I said, I have been stalling. Life goes on. My time with the DICE is over. I just have to accept it. Her white panties are still on my nightstand. They have totally lost their scent. But I still keep them. Like a memento or something. Funny, but the warmth of Spring does bring a sense of new life and adventure. And as somber as I had felt, I cannot help but now feel more invigorated.

I have to get out of my apartment and do something! I have always wanted a telephoto lens so I head to my favorite camera shop. I knew I would need one because getting close to furry, wet beavers in the wild would be a challenge. This would allow me to keep a safe distance without spooking the smelly animals. The camera shop wasn’t too busy and I enjoyed walking around looking at all the cameras and equipment. Maybe one day, I will have my own camera shop. A gentleman came up and asked if I needed any help. And we started talking shop. He said it was nice to talk to someone who understood photography. He said the last customer had no clue and even though it was tedious he helped her purchase a very nice camera and lenses. We all have to start somewhere. I smiled when I thought of my first camera. If I hadn’t got into photography… I never would have met… Aurora. Life is strange sometimes. Anyway, I purchased my telephoto lens and thanked the man.

I was eager to try it out. I went home and put it down at my desk. It came with its own case. It was too big for my standard camera bag. I sat at my desk and turned on my computer. My homepage was a picture of Aurora. That last night in front of the church… it was one of my favorite photos of her. My mind wandered. Okay. Okay, so I wanted to try out my new lens, but I felt like it should be a nature shot. And the best place I knew for that was Easter Bay. And that made me decide that it was time for a new reel! I heard there was going to be a big sale in a couple weeks at the sporting goods store at the mall. My mom always taught me to spend wisely. Even though I had the money.

And so, a couple weeks later, I headed to the mall. Even in just two short weeks, the weather was already significantly warmer. I drove my non-smelling Chevy Nova on a quest for a new reel. I didn’t take my camera in with me. I paused in front of the lingerie shop. Reminiscing. I really was lucky. I was almost tempted to go in. But I didn’t. I went on to the sporting goods store. I love this place just as much as the camera shop! I quickly decided I needed a cart. I realized there were a lot of things I needed more than just a reel. I grabbed a new tent, new set of hiking boots, waterproof of course, camo pants and shorts, bug spray, outdoor shirts and a new outdoor camo jacket, hat, sunglasses, even new socks, flashlight, beaver scent was very important! I have no idea what a beaver even smells like! I made my way to the fishing section where an older man with glasses asked if I needed any help. He looked in my cart and said I probably knew what I was looking for. I smiled and said I understood there was a particular reel on sale. Ahh… that one. I just sold it not too long ago to a young lady. Unlike you, she was a greenhorn. But she was adamant about learning how to fish. No, she bought the reel and a rod and other things. I even took her out into the warehouse and taught her how to cast. I forgot how fun it was to teach young people how to fish. Again, I smiled, I have been fishing since, well, almost before I learned to walk! We both laughed and he helped me pick out another reel. I was done. And so, home I went with my newest haul. And a couple days later, I headed for Easter Bay looking forward to trying out my new equipment.

It was nice to get out of the city. And it was Springtime! I had called ahead, but when I arrived there was no one home. A note on the table from Mom said that they went into town for some supplies. I brought my things into my bedroom. Beaver shots still adorned the walls. I ended up going down to the lake to take some photos with my new lens. I knew what it would do, I just didn’t realize how well it would work. And it worked! I mainly got pictures of birds, but that was ok. It worked beautifully! My excitement was rekindled to capture images of wild beavers in the wild!

Mom and Dad had still not returned so I decided to do a little fishing. With my new reel. I was going to take out the boat, but I didn’t want to miss them when they got back. Instead, I fished off the dock. There was a bench there where I had spent many days in my life fishing. The reel was working fine. I could hear the loons and the breeze through the trees, the lapping of the water on the dock. Oh, this was the life. I couldn’t believe how much I missed it. Fishing always gave time for reflection. Soothing. I imagined that young woman fishing for the first time. How brave it seemed. To not know what you are doing and trying it anyway. I imagined Aurora fishing. I laughed. That would be funny. In a way, I did see her fishing. At the cabin in the mountains. Of course, she ended up falling into the lake. And then, she kissed me. For the first time. And we slept together. I shook my head. A little tear leaked out of my eye. Sometimes… I don’t like thinking about her.

I heard a car pull up. It was Mom and Dad. I quickly wiped my eyes. Stupid. I was planning to go meet them, but I just waved. I needed to collect myself. And so, I just kept fishing. The sun was warm and high in the sky. Insects flittered about. It was a beautiful day. I saw Dad heading down from the cabin. I took a deep breath. Catch anything? Nothing yet. He sat down next to me and asked how I have been doing? He meant well. I believe that. But there are also times when someone asks you a question like that and you really don’t want to think about how you are doing! Fine. Been fine. He looks at me concerned. Are you okay? JESUS! I said I was fine, Dad. Does this have something to do with that girl? Your Mom mentioned something about a girlfriend. I don’t have a girlfriend. He nodded his head. We sat there silent for awhile. To do something I reeled in my line and cast it out again. Remember you asked me how I met your Mom? Well, I didn’t meet her in the woods and I sure didn’t club her over the head. She pursued me. And she scared me. She was beautiful, son. She still is. And she scared me. I mean, what could she possibly see in me? I doubted myself. I couldn’t understand my feelings. In many ways, she still scares me. Like being possessed. Anyway, we bumped into each other at the hardware store. I was looking at a new reel. She asked if I would take her fishing. And I said yes. Still, to this day, I wonder where my life would be if I had said no. I just looked at my Dad. He is rarely sentimental. I am so glad I said yes. I smiled and we hugged.

It was late and I was lying in my bed. I looked up at the giant beaver staring down at me. My spiritual animal. Wet and furry. Small little hands. I thought of Aurora. Why? We are like from two different worlds. It is absolutely impossible. She is an escort! She is so beautiful though. I imagine my room adorned not with beaver shots, but with Aurora shots. That photo of her wearing the red, satiny dress with black trim in front of the church… I couldn’t explain her to my parents! It was not how I was raised! I feel split in two. Dad, Mom, I would like to introduce you to Aurora the escort who makes money… doing things with other people! Oh, and by the way, I photographed her DOING those things! Right. Impossible. Why do I feel so ashamed??? She kissed me, Mom. Dad, I slept with her. I can’t stop thinking about her! Her smile. Her laugh. Her smell. I had a pair of her underwear, Mom. I still have it. They were lacey white panties with a faint yellow stain and they smelled of… Aurora. Mom, they no longer have a scent!

What are these thoughts??? And yet, she is also a person. A human being. A strange human being, but still a human being. That morning… when a sunray radiated her face… she was smiling. I wondered what she was dreaming about? I wanted to crawl back into bed with her. But I was scared. And when she kissed me… maybe, she really wanted to kiss me. Maybe, it wasn’t just the drugs. And when she said Thanks for everything Jake and kissed me on the cheek… I ignored that too… And now, she is gone. And I feel empty.

Why didn’t she say goodbye? I didn’t want to say goodbye.

I stayed at Easter Bay for a few more days. Nothing was said about… well, about my problems. I had a really good time being home. Went fishing with Dad. Helped Mom cook. Hiked around the bay and took some great pictures. Photographed some deer, elk, a Golden Eagle even. I didn’t see any beavers, but that was okay. Dad said maybe I should start my hunt for beavers here at Easter Bay. After all, this was where I first saw one. Maybe it was a sign. I could also save money. I told him I would seriously think about it. And I meant that. But first there were things I had to wrap up in the city.

I was stalling… again. And I knew it… again.

Back in the city I started to walk the streets… searching. At Easter Bay I would hike through the forest looking for the elusive beaver not even sure there was one. In the city, I was hiking the streets looking for Aurora and not knowing if she still lived here. I could not call Ivan. As tempting as that might be. But I just knew he would never give me her number… or any of her personal information. Hey! StarDreamers! She was a member of the DICE. I never thought of that before. I created a profile. And searched… for the Diamond Club Experiment. And I found it. And I found Amber. She was the only one left. Aurora was gone. Piper and Josie were gone too. What happened?

I kept wandering the streets. My lease for my apartment would soon end. I couldn’t stay much longer. I even drove by the Mansion in my non-smelling Chevy Nova. No one was there. It was like a ghost house now. So much had happened there. And still I kept wandering… hopelessly searching. I sat in front of the lingerie shop for almost a whole day… and nothing. I passed a pet store while out walking and looked in the window. I always wanted a dog so I entered the shop. They didn’t have any currently I was told. So, I just looked at the other animals. There was a pen of rabbits. Among them was a white rabbit. I chuckled. It was so cute. Aurora would have freaked. The manager came up and asked what I was laughing about. Nothing. And I left the store.

I had given my notice to vacate my apartment. I had a week left. I had already packed and moved most of my things to Easter Bay.

I didn’t know what to do. I was looking through the photos of the DICE. Looking through photos of Aurora. I smiled as I looked at her trying to catch a baseball. And all that melted soft serve ice cream in the back of my car. I realized tomorrow was when we had done that shoot last year! I guess that would be as good a place as any to say goodbye.

The next day I drove my car towards that specific baseball field. The day was just as I remembered it. Warm and sunny. Clear blue skies. I believe it is important to say goodbye. To end one chapter in your life and begin another. I listened to the radio play a song by Van Morrison called Days Like This. It was nice. Windows were down. Driving my non-smelly Chevy Nova. I pulled up to the field. There were people using it. I sat in my car and watched them for awhile. People just enjoying a sunny day. Maybe I should take some pics. No. I wanted to be alone. Feel the loneliness. I will be alone when I photograph wild beavers in the wild. I decided to find another park and on my way I noticed that ice cream shop. I cannot remember the last time I had vanilla ice cream. I went through the drive-thru and ordered a medium soft serve vanilla ice cream cone. Nice! Maybe I should chuck it into the backseat! Let it melt.

Instead, I headed to another park. This park was quiet. Almost dream like. I walked in and found a picnic table where I could sit and enjoy my soft serve vanilla ice cream cone in peace. It was only then, that I realized I left my camera in the car. Oh well, I will survive. So, I sat and licked my cone. Just enjoying the day. Thinking this will probably be my last day in the city for quite some time. Yes, saying goodbye. The only company I had were some birds and the odd squirrel. Robins, Blue Jays, Sparrows… all going about their business. Excited by the Spring. Future plans. The ice cream was really good. Vanilla. I remembered that shoot… the wrestling one with vanilla lubricant! I couldn’t help but laugh. The DICE were fun. Crazy, but still fun.

I didn’t finish my cone. I turned and tossed it into a garbage can. When I turned back… in the distance… there was someone walking towards me. It was… Aurora. What??? What was she doing here??? I looked around quickly. Was I dreaming? I must be dreaming. My heart started to beat faster. My eyes snapped back to her. She had stopped. She was stamping her feet! Like in frustration or something. Oh no. She is so strange. And she is wearing… hiking boots? She doesn’t wear hiking boots. But there she was. Camo shorts, a backpack, of course her sunglasses, the baseball cap on backwards… a fishing rod? What was she doing with a fishing rod??? Over one shoulder hung a camera… I wish I had mine. She looked… beautiful. Angry and frustrated… but still beautiful. She was flailing her arms like she was being bothered by bugs and talking to herself. She stamped her boots once more and began to walk towards me again. She tripped. She tripped and fell on her face! I just watched. I wanted to get up and help her, but she scared me. I couldn’t move! She was soon up on her feet, looking more irritated. I noticed the pendant I gave her hanging from her neck. She actually wears it…? She brushes off her knees. I see her take a deep breath and she quickly walks up to me. She is right in front of me. We are alone. I hope I don’t do anything stupid or say anything stupid. I wait for her.

Hey.

I say hey back. I still have no clue what to say. I still have no clue what to do! I missed her so much. I just have no clue. Help me, Aurora. Be strange.

She sits down. I, ahhh…

She is trying to say something, but she is struggling. I just stare at her. Her hair, her face… her hands. She is wringing her hands… she takes another deep breath…

Jake. I have to… oh, man… I have to… tell you something…

I continue to stare… I don’t want to scare her away… I am scared…

I have to… apologize… to you… and, well, I am not used to saying sorry…

I think… apologize… for what? Not saying goodbye? She looks down at her hands… I see her lip quiver.

I am sorry… I am so sorry… Jake.

And then she just starts saying sorry… sorry for this and sorry for that… and the whole time, I am not really listening… I am just looking at her… tears are running down her face… why is she so upset? What did I do??? I reach out to touch her face… and she slaps my hand away. Oops. Bad idea. I just continue to listen to her say sorry over and over again… I want to… hold her and say everything is okay. I want to smell her hair… feel her warmth. She stops talking. I notice her hands going up to her face. What? They touch her sunglasses…

No! Aurora, NO!

She grits her teeth. Yes Jake!

And she takes off her sunglasses… I am shocked… I am dizzy… bewildered… my jaw dropped… I can’t think… I can only stare in disbelief…

Aurora… what are you??? Her lip just quivers… her face turns red…

I am sorry, Jake.

And then, this pure clean feeling of awareness washes over me… over my mind… I sense the world around me… I sense Aurora like… like I have never sensed anything or anyone before… the blue skies above were clear penetrated by beams of sunlight… and they… the black fog… that black fog that had plagued my thoughts… dissipated. The whole time, which was like captured in a photo, for us alone, I just stared at her… at Aurora.

I remember…

I touched her face…

Aurora, I remember… I remember everything. You did say goodbye, after all.

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 9

I sent Ivan all the photos from the last shoot. Even the ones in the farmer’s market. He was very pleased and said I was doing great work. The girls loved working with me and I told him how much I enjoyed working with the girls. I don’t know what he does with them and I don’t ask. Marketing or advertising I suppose for either the Diamond Club Experiment or StarDreamers.

I am becoming more and more comfortable with the women. I am no longer shocked by what they do to themselves or each other. Not like that first time in the hotel room. That was quite the initiation. All that flesh and sweat and smell. Sometimes I look back at the photos in the hotel room, I keep copies, and can only shake my head in disbelief. But now, I feel like I am almost one of them. Almost. I am still the man behind the camera and my lens is like a protective shield.

I recently went on a date. Yup. A date. I don’t go on many dates, but every now and then someone asks me out. Her name was Mary or Kathy or something and she worked at the pizza place where I delivered food. I should have declined, but I have a hard time saying no. She was somewhat attractive and I cannot even remember the colour of her hair. Brunette maybe. I think it was a … Tuesday maybe when I went to pick her up. She got into my car and almost immediately made a face. What’s that smell? I don’t smell anything. I realized that one thing you should never do on a first date, especially a first date, is insult, intentionally or not, the person you are going out with. Of course, my car smelled. It smelled of melted soft serve vanilla ice cream. I was meaning to clean the back seat, but well, I had kind of gotten used to it. In fact, sometimes while driving it would remind me of the DICE fooling around in the back seat. And sometimes, I would look in the rearview mirror hoping to see Aurora’s white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in the back window. So, yeah, the date did not start out well.

We ended up at some Italian restaurant. We ordered drinks and began looking at the menu. She was a vegan. How do I know? Because that is all she talked about from the time I picked her up. And she kept rambling on about veganism. I almost felt like telling her about the first deer I killed. But I didn’t. Instead, I ordered a medium rare sirloin steak. She ordered a salad and pasta. And then she continued talking about how chickens and cows and pigs have feelings and how inhumane they were treated. I just nodded my head as I hacked into my steak and let blood drip down my chin while taking a bite. I didn’t even wipe my chin. It was kind of cruel. The waiter came by to see how we were doing. I asked if I could have an order of chicken wings to go. I took her home and she kissed me. She actually kissed me very affectionately. Too much so. She asked if I wanted to come in and I declined. I said I didn’t want my chicken wings to get cold. And that was it. Or so I thought.

The next time at work, she was all over me. Everywhere I went, everything I did, she was there. Smiling at me. Saying how wonderful our date was. I was happy making my deliveries just to get away from Mary… or was it Kathy? And when I returned, yup, there she was! A psycho vegan. What? Are we married? We went out on one date that was horrible. I quit the pizza place that night. I didn’t need the job anymore anyway. One lesson I did learn from the experience was NEVER date someone you work with. It is a recipe for disaster!

Ivan let me know the date of the next shoot. It was supposed to be an easy assignment. Some sort of wrestling in oil. I can handle that. After my recent adventure with Mary or Kathy… or psycho vegan, it would be nice to have some normalcy with Aurora, Piper and Josie.

I arrived at the Mansion and parked my car inside the garage. I noticed that a certain section of the garage had been turned into a kind of wrestling ring. But not like a full-sized wresting ring. And the ring itself was more like a square shaped wadding pool. It was well lit and I was confident I would get some really nice pics. I found the ladies in the living room near the fireplace getting changed into their wrestling or fighting gear. They gave me warm hugs and all was pleasant. Their hair was braided like women have in mixed martial arts. They had tight tops and boxer shorts with DICE clearly displayed. Although they looked very impressive in their fighting attire, they were clearly not fighters.

While we were chitchatting about how I was feeling and how I thought the last Daisy Duke photo shoot went, I told them I had recently gone on a date. Their reaction was somewhat odd as all three seemed to turn their heads towards me in unison. Aurora spoke first. You went on a date? Yes, I went on a date. So, before the shoot, the wrestling shoot, all three sat on the couch and made me tell them all about the date. It was like being interrogated. I told them how her name was Mary or Kathy or something. You don’t even know her name? I left out the part about her insulting the smell of melted soft serve vanilla ice cream in my car. I didn’t want to explain why I hadn’t cleaned my car. I did tell them how she was a vegan and how she kept talking and talking about veganism. They looked at each other and nodded and said that was not good. They said vegans were all psychos. Right! That’s how I felt. I said how I ate a medium rare steak and had blood dripping off my chin that I didn’t wipe off. And then I told them how I ordered chicken wings to go even though I wasn’t hungry. They thought that was hilarious and I really felt good sharing my story with them. They asked how the date ended. They were really interested in my story. So, I told them how, when I dropped her off, she kissed me. She kissed me a lot. They all leaned forward and Aurora asked what did you do? I said I kissed her back. Did you like it? Well, it wasn’t unpleasant. But she was a psycho. Did she stick her tongue in your mouth? It was a very wet kiss. She invited me in, but I said no. Did you put your hands on her? Did she put her hands on you? How did you feel? No. No. And I felt fine and left. Wow, such interest in a date. I told them how she wouldn’t leave me alone at work so I had to quit. They agreed that was the best thing to do. Stay away from psychos. And in the future, let them know about any dates ahead of time. They would be there for me. Friends have to look out for one another. Aurora stressed that I shouldn’t date anyone for sometime after the trauma I had just suffered. Her concern was well intended, but I didn’t really believe I had suffered any trauma. Right?

After all that, we headed out to the garage and I got down to my real job now. The “ring” had contained a lubricant and after the ladies, or my friends as they so recently informed me, entered the ring soon became well lubricated. They made a great display of feigned wrestling moves. Barring teeth in pretended pain. Grabbing each other. I became aware of the scent of vanilla. I asked “my friends” about it and Aurora said the lubricant tasted and smelled like vanilla ice cream. Would you like a taste? No, I am fine. I was just wondering. We got back to work. Hands were soon disappearing into boxer shorts. Tops were soon off. Tongues were soon out. Boxer shorts then came off. Lubrication was everywhere on their bodies and I kept taking my pics half worried that I would get splashed by lubrication. I then did some individual poses with my friends now completely naked. Piper and Josie were first and after they were done, they said they were going to get washed off. I finished with Aurora. She still scares me a bit. She seemed almost Greek like in her poses. She was still wearing sunglasses and her hair… her lubricated armpit hair and pubic hair glimmered in the bright lights. I could almost imagine we were not in a garage or I wasn’t behind a camera or she wasn’t the subject of work. She glowed.

She got out of the ring and said she would really need help cleaning up. By now, I knew what that meant. And yet, I was reluctant. I just feared blacking out again. She led me from the garage, dripping lubricant as she went through the house and up the stairs. And up the stairs I followed once again looking at her backside.

I was in my car. The car was running and I looked into the back seat and saw my camera bag. The lights from the wrestling ring were still on. I had no shirt, but that wasn’t really important at the time. It was still summer temperatures. Yes, I blacked out again and it was becoming more and more frustrating and scary. As I drove home, the smell of melted soft serve vanilla ice cream seemed stronger than ever. It was almost like it was clinging in the air and on me. I made it home. This time I didn’t go to my computer and look over the pics. I just felt so relaxed and calm that I just wanted to sleep. As scary as these episodes were, I seemed almost peacefully lethargic afterwards. Once again, I fell onto my bed, covered my face with Aurora’s white lacey panties with the faint yellow stain and drifted off to sleep.

The black fog entered my dreams. It was all around me. And even though I felt a presence, it was not malevolent. It was just remote and distant. I felt like I was dead. I could not see anything. I couldn’t see my hands. Just a black fog swirling around me. I felt alone… and yet, I wasn’t.

Leave it to Beavers: Aurora 24

Three more shoots remained in Jake’s contract. That’s it. What was I going to do? All my planning and manipulation and conceiving had amounted to nothing. Nothing had worked. Oh yes, Jake is a “friend”, but beyond that… how can he NOT remember fucking me??? I am like powerless. I feel weak. Sometimes I find myself just sitting on my sofa in a daze or lying in bed staring at the ceiling or in the bath tub looking at the faucet. What to do? What to do about Jake? The sex was incredible. The Animal Sex was mind blowing… although my butt hurt for a week. And then I realized something. I haven’t actually had sex in … like I don’t know when. Worse still, I haven’t even really thought about having sex even though I think about sex. Even when I was in the shower recently with Piper and Josie my mind wasn’t thinking about sex. How is that possible? Sex has always been a vital part of my life. It’s been my job! I am a Spiritual Healer! But there is nothing. I feel emptiness. Empty except for thoughts of Jake. What has he done to me? What have I done to myself? 3 more shoots…

I cannot just be friends with Jake. I just can’t do that! But he was so nice… he called me Sweetie in that note he left for me. The note that is by my bed. The note I read every night. He made me chicken noodle soup… and he smashed that guy’s face defending me… he slept with me and yes, he remembers doing that! He just doesn’t remember having sex with me. And he will leave after his contract is over… go photograph stupid fucking wild beavers in the wild. And the emptiness I feel will be complete. Alone. I find myself… like what? Missing him? That makes me laugh! And I feel tears run down my cheek… while I am laughing.

I need to do something. Watered my plants. Check. Cleaned my apartment. Check check. Washed my laundry… check, check, check… I need something else to do.

Ivan called! Finally! And yet it came with some dread. The next shoot was once again going to be outside at a church. A church? I have never been to church. Somehow, it doesn’t seem appropriate. And it’s getting colder. We were to wear dresses with lace and netting and gloves. He did promise to once again have some heaters. And no, it wasn’t going to be inside the church. Just the outside. I really didn’t want to pose inside a church. Any church. The DICE were to meet at the Mansion and get dressed up. Make-up. Hair. Everything. Then we would meet Jake at the location. That was different. Normally, Jake drives us. This was not supposed to be a nude shoot. Just the dresses and us in them. I wasn’t sure what to do.

I decided to go shopping at the nearest mall. It was cold outside so I bundled up and grabbed my favorite scarf and then headed out the door. The mall wasn’t too busy, but it was decked out in Christmas lights and Christmas music was playing and it made me want to throw up. It was like an atmosphere of cheery, warm, kumbaya crap. When really, people were miserable and it would go on for almost two months. I sat down at a bench across from a lingerie shop. I love lingerie. I took off my scarf and set it down. I had a lot of lingerie in my wardrobe, but I still like getting new stuff. Who doesn’t? Black. I have been on a white kick lately, but my mood… well, somehow has become dark. Black panties and a black lacy bra. A garter belt with black netted stockings. I became excited. I jumped up and walked into the shop and began looking around. A young woman came up and asked if I needed any help. I told her what I was looking for and together we found some black lingerie with red trim and small red flowers. Perfect! I like sexy stuff. She asked if this was a gift for me or … someone else? I laughed. A little of both. I couldn’t wait to get home and try it on! Funny, I wasn’t even thinking about lingerie or gifts or … well, I wasn’t really thinking about anything at all when I came to the mall. Now though, as I hurried home, I was thinking about Jake. Maybe, just maybe, I will let him have the new panties. I almost felt sinister!

Everything fit perfect. I stood in front of the mirror and I looked absolutely seductive! I almost got turned on a little. Put a hand between my legs and rubbed … my beaver a bit. It’s been so long. Oh, Jake. I soon started imagining his hand down there. His smell. I went into my bedroom, sat on the bed, and began smelling his shirt. Now, I really was getting turned on! His touch on my skin. On my breasts. Pinching my nipples. I think about the Animal Sex. Jake’s mouth and tongue… while he finger fucks me… his beautiful cock in my ass pounding me into sexual submission. The sweat… the taste of him in my mouth… his breathing… his breath… he wasn’t here, but I could still imagine him.

Ivan did call again with a date and time. I met Piper and Josie at the Mansion. We had our hair, nails and make up professionally done. It took most of the day, but we looked really good. I showed Piper and Josie my new lingerie and they thought it looked really hot! My dress was satiny red and felt good on my skin. I had a black netted hat and black lace gloves with matching shoes. It could not have been more perfect. How is that even possible?! But it was. My whole outfit matched! I felt beautiful.

We arrived at the church in the early evening. There were heaters which was nice because the weather was starting to cool off again. Jake showed up a little later. I wanted to run to him! He said we all looked really nice and that he would try and have a quick shoot. I still had no clue what I was going to do at this time. I mean … somehow, I wanted to get him my panties, but wasn’t quite sure how I was going to do that. I was really just going on impulse. Letting things play out because every plan I had in the past has failed. There is also the very real possibility that if… IF, we have sex, it could be Animal Sex again. And as much as I may have enjoyed it, it was still a little scary! What if it was even more savage?

And then there was the church… stark and bleak. Smokers wafted fake smoke around the front and steps of the church. It had three doors? Why does a church have three front doors? Maybe people want to leave in a hurry. Anyway, there was three of us so we all took a door to pose in front of and Jake began taking his shots. At first, well, almost the entire time, I thought lightning would strike me down. I was like a trespasser. A blasphemer. A sinner. And then, I said to hell with it! I started getting into the poses. Blowing Jake kisses. Bending over. Rubbing my legs. Cupping my breasts. Putting my hands near my crotch and then stretching my arms in the air. Oh yeah! This was becoming fun. To hell with the church! Josie and Piper were also getting into it as we seduced and seduced and seduced … Jake and his camera.

Snow started to fall. At least it wasn’t lightning. But it still gave me a shiver. The shoot was over. The last outside shoot. The crew started packing up. Jake was packing up. Panic soon gripped me. I didn’t know what to do. Josie and Piper said they had rides. I went up to Jake… and froze. Could you give me a ride to the Mansion? Sure. He said sure! I have no idea what I am doing!!! I just know… I want to be with him. We get into his shit-box car. It smells like vanilla. I feel almost like I am on a first date. Nervous. Anticipation. The snow begins to fall heavier. Jake says there may be a storm coming. I feel chilled. Jake turns on the heater. Obviously, for me. He is so nice… I want to touch him. Maybe, I should just kiss him right now. Get it over with. But he is driving. And the roads are slippery. That is what I tell myself. But really, I am just scared of him. Or maybe I am scared how he will react.

By the time we pull into the Mansion’s garage, the storm has set in. The winds are blowing. I get out of Jake’s car. He gets out. I tell him I want to show him something. Do I ever want to show him something! And what is crazy is that he has seen it all before! Okay. I take his hand. I imagine his eyes on my ass as I lead him inside the Mansion. His grip on my hand is gentle. I am so fucking nervous… and I don’t know why! I want him so bad. I lead him through the Mansion and up the stairs. I look back and smile… a tentative smile. I don’t know why I smiled. That lock of hair hanging down his forehead. Any moment, I am going to lose him. I know it. But I lead him into the master bedroom anyway. Guilt. Shame. The church. Blasphemer.

I ask him to unzip my dress. He does. I slide it off. I take off my hat while he takes off my shoes. His hands are on my legs and they travel up to my ass. He smells my crotch. Oh god! I sit on the bed and he quickly gets undressed. He is standing in front of me. His erection is in front of me. I put my hand on him. It is so hot. Beautiful. I cannot help myself. I kiss him. I kiss… it. My tongue briefly swirls over his head. So hot. My mind is starting to drift. I look up at him. Into his eyes. He touches my cheek gently and there is … kindness in his eyes. Oh no!!! Not that. Almost pity. I was expecting Animal Sex! I wanted to be punished. Not gentleness. Not mercy! This is worse!!! He gently pushes me back onto the bed. His hands go to my black lace panties with the red flowers. I am wet. He takes them off and puts his face between my legs… gently kissing me. I am starting to quiver. He comes up to my face and we kiss. The kindness in his lips. His breath. My legs wrap around him. And then… I feel him slowly, carefully… slide into me. What is he doing to me??? My arms go around his neck. My mouth is next to his ear. He is kissing my neck. I feel his weight on me, but it too is gentle… tender. I feel him begin to pull out. My legs tighten.

No Jake, I whisper in his ear. And he settles back down inside me. I feel him there. Not moving. He always knows what I need! I cannot take anymore!!! My mouth trembles. I feel wetness on my face. I’m crying.

I whisper in his ear. Please Jake… please remember… please. Jake, just once. I am sorry. I begin to sob. Why doesn’t he remember me??? Am I such a bad person??? I keep saying his name hoping he will … hear me. But I know he doesn’t. I know he is not with me.

And then I know… what I have to do…

Oh Jake, I am sorry. Please Jake, forgive me…

Goodbye … Jake…

Leave it to Beavers: Jake 26

I went back, as planned, to Easter Bay for the remainder of the Christmas holidays. Some holiday. Some say that Christmas is like the most depressing time of the year. It has this huge magical like effect of excitement and anticipation of which I fell right into… and then, reality sets in… and your world crashes. Maybe not for everyone, but it certainly did for me. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see Aurora so bad. See her smile. See her glow. See her open my present. But it didn’t happen. But… I told myself there was still one more shoot left. Piper said Aurora was dealing with… things. And that is plausible. Right? So, maybe, I will see her again. And that got me through the holidays.

Mom had the cabin all lit up with Christmas cheer. Snow was falling across the Bay… gently like snow on graves. The tree was decorated with all the familiar ornaments. A few friends and family were coming over to share Christmas dinner. And I did my best to put on a positive demeanor. Mom wasn’t so much about presents. She felt that Christmas was more about people coming together. And she opened up our home. There was plenty of food. Turkey and potatoes and gravy and carrots and peas and sweet potatoes and bread made the cabin smell and taste of warmth. Spirits flowed and there were conversations about dreams and aspirations mixed in with laughter and song. After dinner, card games were played and more songs were sung. And there were smiles and a truly festive ambiance. And I went along with everything… almost merrily. And yet, in the back of mind… always in the back of my mind…

After a round of hugs and well wishes and thanks, goodbyes were made. And soon, I found myself lying in bed staring at the ceiling. A large beaver staring back at me. I had beaver shots all over my walls. I could hear the wind blowing outside. It used to comfort me when I was younger. Something about being in my own bed… at home. I wasn’t thinking about beavers. The bottom of my feet tingled like they were being poked. I saw black and white flashes… images… that I couldn’t focus on. Somehow, I should know. Know what? A strong smell… sort of like when you can smell burnt toast days later even though there is none. I could smell something… someone… Aurora. I closed my eyes.

I woke the next day. Mom was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen. She said good morning. Good morning. I sat down at the kitchen table. She made us some coffee. And then sat down as well. Looked at me and asked what was wrong? How did she know something was wrong? Because you are my son. You put on a brave face, but something is definitely bothering you. I couldn’t really speak. I didn’t know what to say. I just shook my head. Is it a girl? I looked at her and then hung my head. I felt stupid like a puppy who had just lost its bone. Was it that obvious? She touched my hand and spoke softly to me. Words of advice, but not really words of advice… more, words of understanding. Just enough. She got up, gave me a hug and kiss and went back to cleaning the kitchen. She was always busy. I stayed until just after New Year’s Day.

Back to the city. In my… Chevy Nova… that strangely, no longer smelled of vanilla. I didn’t have a New Year’s resolution, but thought it might be something like not trying to understand women. That seemed appropriate. Like really, how did I get into such a mess??? I am a simple photographer. Nothing more. And I had one more shoot to get through. That’s it. Done. And I could turn my attention to planning an excursion into the wilderness to film wild beavers in the wild! One more shoot. Would Aurora be there? I wanted to see her and yet… part of me kind of hoped… that she wouldn’t be there. Because if she was… then, I would have to say goodbye. That thought bothered me.

Ivan called. He said the shoot was going to be at a hotel room. Not the same one as before, but a more luxurious one with a jacuzzi and large bed and shower and I should enjoy myself since it was the final shoot of the contract. He asked if I was excited. Sure. I was tempted to ask if Aurora would be there… but I didn’t. He said it would be a full lingerie shoot. Meaning, a lot of different lingerie would be used by the DICE. I wish it was already over. I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. Foreboding. But I had a job to do.

The day arrived. The weather was bleak. Overcast and wet. A light drizzle was falling that made the snow slushy. I drove my no longer vanilla smelling Chevy Nova to the hotel. The room was on the top floor and I knocked on the door. It opened. I remembered the last time I knocked on a hotel room door. Aurora answered. This time, however, Amber answered. No Aurora. Amber smiled and invited me in. She did have a nice smile. I hated it. Not really. Piper and Josie came up and gave me a hug. They were already in their underwear. I got out my camera and once again I got to work. They posed on the bed and on the couch and in the bathroom in various types of lingerie. They posed individually and together. They posed taking off their outfits. I still find it amazing that so little material like lingerie can be so seductively, provocatively… stimulating. They posed in the shower and the jacuzzi wearing their underwear and soon the underwear was off altogether and they just posed nude. Laughing and carrying on. And then what usually happened… happened. They started kissing more… and then more… they were kissing before, but that was like tease kissing for the camera. Now, it was pure physical. Once more, tongues and fingers began exploring. Moans as they touched their wet bodies in the jacuzzi. They moved from the jacuzzi to the bed and I just kept snapping my photos. Their hair and Josie’s snake and Piper’s full… chest… even Amber with her red short hairs were all being touched and… licked and still the moans and gasps.

I was done. I finished while they were still … doing. I left and went home. It was over. Everything was over. I know I should have said goodbye. At least to Piper and Josie. Even to Amber. Amber really didn’t do anything wrong. It was the last shoot so I did feel guilty about that. But… I just couldn’t. There was nothing left. I went back to my apartment. I would send off the photos later. At that moment, I just wanted to sit and be alone. I had the white lace panties with the faint yellow stain in my hand. I brought them up to my face. There was no smell. It too, was gone. I looked and noticed even the faint yellow stain had faded away. My eyes watered. And the tears trickled down my cheeks. All I could do was wipe them… with her panties. And admit, she really was gone.

The next day was still bleak. Overcast. The city still moved, but to me, it was dead. I had to do something besides wallow in self-pity. I got dressed and grabbed my scarf and headed out. To do what? I really don’t know. Nor, did I care. Maybe, like winning the lottery or something, I would find her. I mean, in a huge city, there was a chance. Right? So, I wandered the downtown streets… lost in my thoughts. I soon dreaded my decision. The city was active, but the people seemed just as miserable as I was. How could you not be with slush and drizzle and the promise of Christmas debts that would have to be repaid? It was windy. Sleet blew in my face. And then, a bus came right by me, hit a pothole and splashed slush and dirt and grime and whatever else across my legs. Instantly wet and cold. It just kept on going. Some people stared at me. I just looked around like what??? Could things get any worse???

There was a bar right on the corner beside a liquor store. I went inside the bar to get warm and felt I, right now at that moment, DESERVED at least one drink! I grabbed a stool at the bar. The bartender, who vaguely reminded me of Harry Connick Jr., with slightly dopey eyes, asked what I wanted. I was tempted to say a Screwdriver, but I needed something more… manly. Rye and ginger. And soon he returned. I sat for the longest time just staring at it with my wet legs and sore chest. I sipped and it tasted good. It warmed me and my chest relaxed. A guy came up to me and asked if I remembered him. Should I? Well, you busted my nose and I just wanted to apologize… for pushing down the girl. Can I buy you a drink? Actually, he insisted on buying me a drink. Then, from farther down the bar an old man approached me. It was the actor! From the Sensational Bar! He really works at getting into character! How you doing young man? Did you work things out with your lady friend? Broken nose said you know him? Yup, did some work with him. A beautiful woman ended up slapping him good! And the old man insisted on buying me a drink! I now had a couple drinks and everyone wanted to know about Aurora. I told them it was over. But you did like her, didn’t you? She was nice. Yes. Okay, I liked her… but it is over. The bartender came back over interested in my story. So, who is this woman? The old man said she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. And she slapped him! Busted nose said she was beautiful too and… when he pushed her down, which he regretted, this guy came and broke my nose! I looked sheepishly at the bartender and just nodded. Here is another drink on the house.

By this time, I was feeling like… really good. I started telling them about how beautiful she really was… and about her white lace panties with the faint yellow stain… but that they no longer smelled and the yellow stain had faded away. Soon, there were other people who wanted to hear my story of woe. Men and women. I talked about the photo shoots and how I only did it because I wanted to photograph wild beavers in the wild. Men were saying, who doesn’t? Women were asking if they could help! And the drinks flowed. Broken nose said he had to leave, but by this time I had a crowd around me. The old man looked like he was fully in the bag. Men shook my hand and offered condolences. Women came up and hugged and kissed me. Some were crying. Fairy Tale of New York by the Pogues was playing and everyone started to sing along. I was feeling really good. I had a sheepish smile and laughed and sang and it was a great party. Harry Connick Jr. was happy with the business. And the raucous festivity carried on late into the evening. I almost wished it wouldn’t end. But it did. I looked around for my scarf, but couldn’t find it. Several women offered to take me home. Burping… I respectfully declined.

I made it outside while everyone wished me all the best and flagged down a cab. I was completely hammered. He drove me and my now dry filthy pants home. I made it inside my apartment. Got undressed and flopped down on my bed. And when my head hit the pillow my last thought was… she never even said… goodbye.