BOOM… baBOOM…BOOM… baBOOM!
My head… BOOM! Pounding in my head… I was in hell. I really… BOOM… really… was in hell.
I was sick… I felt dehydrated… nauseous…
Then the smell hit me. Disgusting… puke. I was lying in bed naked and there was puke on my pillow… on my bed… and the smell… I couldn’t move my head… BOOM!
And then… I realized the bed was wet… I was wet… I must have peed the bed… Hell. BOOM!
My bum… it was wet, but… no… I reached back… weakly… my hand felt something squishy and wet… no… I had shit myself… no… HELL. BOOM! I had puked, peed and shit myself. I now had shit on one hand and puke on the other… my head hurts. BOOM! What did I do???
I had to get up. I couldn’t possibly stay like this. Lying in shit, and pee… and puke. And the smell… I weakly got up and a fresh round of nausea went through me. I felt like throwing up again. No. Focus. What to do? I had to clean myself up. I wanted to touch my head, but my hands were covered… A shower. I needed to wash off. This was not going to be pleasant. I stood. The room whirled around me. I felt like crying. I don’t know how, but I was able to make it to the bathroom navigating through old pizza boxes, fast food containers, and alcohol bottles. In horror, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like the dead. I felt like the dead. How? Why? Jake’s pendant… the pendant Jake gave me hung from my neck… it was covered in puke. I felt ashamed. Oh, Jake. I need you. The pendant was a witness to my shame. I ran the hot water and washed off the worst… off my hands. My head was still booming as I turned on the shower and stepped in. I let the hot water run over me. And just washed away my sins. My filth. I washed and I washed and then I washed again. The filth was gone. The shame and guilt remained.
I got out of the shower and dried myself off. My head was still pounding, but I was clean. My pendant was clean. It gave me hope… or so I thought. I went out into the living room and briefly surveyed the trash. At least the sofa was clean and it still had a comforter and pillow. I went to the kitchen and got myself a cold glass of water and took a couple pain pills. I drank as much of the water as I could. I needed relief. I lay down on the sofa, covered myself with the soft comforter, and gently put me head on the pillow. Boom… baboom. The pills were taking effect. I let myself fall asleep.
I woke up. I was still feeling sick. So, I didn’t move. I just remained motionless. I didn’t know what time it was, what day it was… I reached out and picked up the water from the coffee table. The same coffee table that split my forehead open weeks ago… was it weeks ago… or longer? I finished off the water and gingerly put my head back on the pillow. I knew I had to clean up, but again, I just fell asleep.
I woke up… again. Sun was shining through the windows. My head no longer hurt. I was able to sit up. And although my head no longer hurt, my mind was still foggy and dazed. I looked around at my apartment. My plants were dying or looked like they were dying. The garbage scattered around did not look as bad in the morning light as it had before. I started there. I got dressed and then I cleaned up. Everything went into a big trash bag. I opened the windows and fresh warm Spring air flowed in. Dishes had been piled into the sink and on the counters. I cleaned them up. I made coffee and had some toast. Life was coming back. In the coming weeks I would nurse my plants back to health. I would nurse myself back to health… without the booze. That party was over. I threw out my mattress and purchased a new one. Spring had returned. Hope. When I looked at myself in the mirror I no longer looked like the dead. I looked healthy again. Except for the fresh scar on my forehead. But even that looked better. I touched Jake’s pendant and felt good.
Jake’s pendant. Well, it was really my pendant. I just called it Jake’s pendant. It was my crutch. There were times when I would think about him… miss him… and I would clutch Jake’s pendant and it calmed me down. Times I would wonder what he was doing. Was he off filming wild beaver in the wild? Following his dreams. Dreams that didn’t include me? Sometimes I would even feel jealous of wild beavers. I would touch Jake’s pendant and it brought me back from foolish thoughts.
I was sitting on my sofa one day, alone and despondent. No direction. No path. I felt like… lost. And depressing thoughts began filtering again through my mind. No. I can’t do that again. I mean… Jake can go out into the wild alone and not be afraid. So, as I held Jake’s pendant, I thought what would Jake do? Probably something stupid and annoying! And then I thought… is that what I needed to do? Something stupid and annoying? In order to get over Jake… or to have Jake with me… along with his pendant… I would have to become Jake! And there it was… a direction… a path forward. Out of hell and into life. And Jake would be my guide.
Outside, flowers were in bloom. Birds sang. Pesky bugs flittered. LIFE! It was the middle of Spring. I went to the mall. And purchased a new wardrobe. Hiking boots! I never had hiking boots before. It made me smile. Just that first purchase reminded me of Jake! I purchased camo pants and camo shorts and denim pants and denim shorts and heavy hiking socks to be worn in my heavy hiking boots! Glorious! I purchased flannel long sleeved shirts and flannel short sleeved shirts. And sweatshirts and T-shirts with stupid Jake like logos. At home, I tried on my new wardrobe and looked at myself in the mirror. I was looking at me, but I felt closer to Jake than I had for a long time. Maybe closer than I ever had. Stop it… stop it. I clutched Jake’s pendant. Whew. And I smiled. I felt alive. Isn’t that stupid? Just dressing up like Jake? Annoying really. Maybe I could have a lock of my hair hang down and cover up my scar. I laughed thinking about it. That annoying lock of hair. Sigh.
So, now what??? I was, after all, on a mission! What would Jake do? If I could guess, what would he be doing right now? Well, that was obvious, he would be photographing annoying wild beavers in the stupid wild! I am not going to make that my obsession! Beavers! But what about just taking pictures? I didn’t have a camera. I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I know what a camera does. I just never thought about using one. I mean, what for??? To take pictures, stupid! Right. I guess… I needed a camera.
There was a camera shop close by and, even though I had no clue and totally out of my element, I walked inside intent on what I don’t know. Making a stupid fool out of myself! There was camera equipment everywhere. There were cameras and lenses and tripods and stuff I didn’t even know what they were. An older man came up to me and asked if I needed help. I must have looked like an idiot because he asked again if I needed help. Ahhh… yeah. I would like a camera… I guess. What type of camera are you looking for? Ahhh… one that takes… pictures? I don’t know!!! He sighed. Okay. Let me show you some of our cameras. He took out little ones and I was like no, Jake has one that is big. I want a big camera that is super easy to use. And it has to come with different lenses… because Jake was always switching lenses. Well, that could be expensive. I don’t care. Don’t you understand? I am trying to be Jake! I didn’t say that. And so, after being shown numerous cameras and lenses, I finally settled on one that most closely resembled Jake’s. I bought a camera and different lenses and a camera bag and a thing called a memory card. The man was very patient, although there were times, I felt he was a little annoyed. I knew all about being annoyed! He taught me the basics on how to work the camera. It was all auto-focus. Super easy to work. How to change the lenses and how to change the batteries and how to insert and remove the memory card and holy, all this just to take a picture! Geez, Jake. I never realized!
I took the camera and all the accessories back home and laid them out on my coffee table. What now??? So much packaging. I managed a little organization and was able to put my camera together with a lens and memory card and packed them into my camera bag. I felt together. Composed and ready to… well, I wasn’t sure. What would Jake do? I know what Jake wanted to do! I decided to head to the local park and practice taking some pictures of what I really don’t know. And guess what I discovered? People.
Oh yes, I did start taking photos of trees and squirrels and cats and dogs. It felt awkward. I guess being on the other side of the camera. Does that make sense? I saw a little girl playing with her mom and snapped a few pictures. She was laughing and having fun. Just playing in the sun. And me? Capturing it all. Moments. Was that what I was to Jake? Just moments? I would photograph other people too. A couple walking their dog. Teenagers throwing a frisbee. A couple rowing a canoe on the river. Moments in time.
I returned home and uploaded my collections of moments onto my laptop. Yes, I have one. I looked at the photos in wonder. Was this what Jake saw when he looked at the DICE. When he looked at me? Who was he looking at now? Was he thinking about me? Stop. I clutched my pendant and closed my eyes. Stay focused.
I miss him. I want to go back. I want to tell him I am sorry. I already did though. STOP! STOP! STOP!!! Again, I clutched my pendant. I know I cannot go back. And I don’t want to… but…
Focus is what I have to do. One day at a time. Just go out and take photos. Be Jake…
Badger Unfiltered 