Tag: writing

Summer had ended.  The trees in the city were all turning fantastic colours in preparation for Winter.  I liked Fall.  The Fall season brought with it a whole host of smells and new hearty foods.  The first few cool nights offered relief from the summer heat and it made sleeping more pleasant.

There was a park near the city centre and with the sun still offering plenty of warmth, I took up my camera and headed out to see if I could capture some nice shots.  It was a Saturday and there were parents there watching their kids play in the leaves.  Couples walked by.  Some even had dogs.  I walked along the river’s edge and found a nice bench to sit at and enjoy my coffee.  It was a beautiful day.  There were people canoeing.  And I took photos of everything.  It made me feel alive.  Like I was a witness to some fantastic event.  A witness.  Capturing life with a camera.  Moving among people… but not really belonging.  But not just people… animals as well.  Geese and ducks were swimming being fed by people little bits of bread and seed.  Each photo I took captured a moment that soon past.  It was like I was on the outside looking in at life.  Strange thoughts.

I spent a couple hours in the park before heading home.  One of the nice things about doing my own pictures is that I really didn’t have to share them with anyone.  Almost like I was a spy.  I downloaded the pics on my laptop and looked them over.  They made me smile.  People just doing people things.  It was really no different than my plans to photograph wild beavers in the wild.  They would be pictures of them doing beaver things in their world.  Not mine.  I skimmed over to the folder marked DICE and started looking at the photos I had taken of the women.  I remember the first time at the hotel and still being shocked at what they did.  But when I was given the contract… it was like an opportunity I could not pass up.  And even though I didn’t think about it, or tried not to, I considered myself just a witness.  Safe behind the camera.  And now, we were friends?

Ivan called and said the next shoot would be a Viking setting.  The ladies would be wearing animal skins and carrying swords and he said they were already being fitted out.  It would be a night setting at a corn field and there would be smokers to offer a mystical atmosphere and the women would have non-permanent tattoos all over their bodies.  He said I must be getting pretty excited because there were like only four more shoots left in the contract.  Yeah.  Really exciting.  I told him I just hope it wouldn’t be too cold out.  The last time Aurora got sick from the cold rain.  He said he heard about it and he even apologized.  He does not want any of the ladies getting sick.  He offered to have outdoor heaters placed at the shoot.  That was something. 

The day arrived and I drove over to the Mansion and parked in the garage.  Piper, Josie and Aurora were in the garage on like fold out beds entirely naked getting artistic tattoos.  They each had an artist.  Naturally, I took some photos of this interesting process.  Josie had a slight advantage with her large snake tattoo.  I asked Aurora if she was feeling better and she just nodded and gave me a little smile.  Good… that’s really good.  I left it at that.  After the tattoos they got into their outfits.  Piper had wolf skin.  Josie had deer.  And Aurora had beaver skins.  That was interesting.  They all had small swords, bows, and even quivers.  All fake of course.  Just props.  After she was dressed, Aurora asked if I wanted to touch her beaver fur.  I laughed awkwardly and said I have felt fur before.  And then I thought how stupid that sounded.  Again, she just smiled.  She was the strangest person I have ever met.  Touch her beaver fur?  Silly. 

We climbed into a van and headed off to the corn field.  By this time, it was early evening.  And although it was somewhat cool, it was not as cold as the last time and the skies were clear.  In fact, the moon was full and just beginning to advance over the corn field!  How lucky was that?  The smokers were hidden and soon filled the field and nearby wood line with a misty smoke.  There was just enough lighting to bounce off the smoke giving an almost dreamlike scene.  The ladies positioned themselves just slightly within the woods.  And I snapped photos of them emerging into the field sometimes carrying their bows and sometimes carrying their swords.  It could have been Halloween it was so magical.  Like a fantasy.  Their animal skins barely covered them.  They did a wide variety of poses.  Enchanting poses.  The moon was like right above them and the stars radiated with light.  It was intense and I snapped and snapped. 

They took a brief break and warmed up by the heaters.  Their bodies began to glisten with sweat and they had a bottle of fake blood that they added to their bodies.  Wow!  And then, they were back at it.  They even did fake battle poses.  I laughed.  It was just so incredible.  It was almost like this was who they really were.  Something out of a dream … or a nightmare.  And it was soon over.  Just as quickly as it had started.  Moments now captured by my camera.  There was a station set up near the heaters where the women could wash themselves off a bit.  All the assistants began packing up and everyone shook hands.  It had been a very successful shoot. 

We piled back into the van to head back to the Mansion.  I felt good and didn’t really want the night to end.  I asked them if they wanted to go out for pizza and beer.  They loved the idea!  They had all brought a change of clothes… just in case, and got out of their animal skins.  Strange, how seeing them naked just became routine… for me.  Not that I stared.  They were still covered in fake tattoos, but that was okay. 

I found a local pizzeria… no, not the one I had worked at with the vegan named… something.  We took a booth and Aurora sat across from me next to Josie.  We soon had pepperoni pizza and beers.  Everyone was super relaxed and we talked about the shoot and even the past shoots.  I said how Aurora did an amazing job on the Sensational Bar shoot.  But I didn’t dwell too much on it.  We were able to laugh and just enjoy each other’s company.  We talked about our families.  Aurora said she was an orphan at birth and adopted, but she said her parents were very nice people.  I didn’t know that.  I talked about growing up at Easter Bay, fishing and hunting.  I then mentioned how after this last shoot there were only like 3 more shoots to go.  I don’t know why I brought that up.  But… we all just went quiet.

It was time to head back to the Mansion.  We did have a great time.  We were friends.  As I drove though, it seemed like we were all lost in our thoughts.  The night was over and it felt like it as I pulled into the garage of the Mansion.  I put my gear into my car and turned towards the ladies.  Piper gave me a hug… and then Josie… and then Aurora came up to me.  On tiptoes, her arms went around my neck.  I could smell her… her scent… her sweat.  I could feel her warmth… her breathing… her heart beat.  She whispered in my ear, thanks for everything Jake.  And then she kissed my cheek.  And let me go. 

Hey, you guys need any help?  Like getting cleaned up?  All those tattoos?  I don’t want to break my contract.  I smiled as if that was a joke.  They all shook their heads and said they were fine.  Just tired from the shoot.  Okay… are you sure?  Yes, Jake.  You can go.  I climbed into my melted soft serve vanilla ice cream smelling Chevy Nova and left feeling … I don’t know what I was feeling.  Lost.  I guess.  I drove home. 

It had been a great night.  A lot was accomplished.  Right?  And what did she mean?  Thanks for everything Jake?  It had this ring of finality like it was more than just a simple goodbye.  After all, we had like three more shoots to go.  What happens when it’s all over?  Are we just going to fade from each other’s lives?

I got into my apartment and sat on the couch.  Brooding.  Trying to make sense… of what?  Aurora’s white lace panties with the faint yellow stain were soon in my hand up to my face.  They always calmed me down.  I inhaled.  And as I inhaled, I closed my eyes thinking of her scent… her whispering in my ear… the way she smiled… like she did when she was sleeping… her kiss… not the kiss on my cheek, but the kiss of her lips on mine… why did she kiss me? 

But I am professional.  The photographer.  I am a witness to events.  Did I cross the line when we became friends?  They live in one world and I live in my world.  Their world is fantasy and mine is reality.  My job is to capture images of their fantasy world.  To be a witness.  That is what I am being paid for.  It’s safer this way.

Not … to be a participant.

Halloween did eventually arrive and I went out in the early evening to capture photos of the myriad little ghosts and goblins.  Trick or Treaters out gathering their supplies of candy.  It seemed funny how a child’s life revolves around innocent fantasy.  All their costumes and excitement and Jack-o-Lanterns and yards filled with fake zombies and graves.  Creepy music flowing from some of the houses being accosted by werewolves and witches and princes and princesses.  The make-believe of an event more for children than adults.  An attempt to keep them innocent. 

And then we grow up.  Searching for some sort of mature morality.  But we still have fantasies.  I found mine with my passion… even maybe an obsession for photographing wild beaver in the wild.

I wonder what Aurora fantasizes about?

I feel lost.  Lost in my thoughts.  Lost in my feelings.  Lost in my life.  My world has been turned upside down.  And yet I still held onto hope.  Hope for what?  Jake had left me a note.  And in it he had called me Sweetie.  It was so unexpected.  I had recently slapped him.  And yet… he protected me.  To do all that he did does shows some level of caring, doesn’t it?  And that means he must actually have feelings for me, right?  And that is where I am… lost.  I don’t want him to have feelings for me!  I wanted him to … want me for sex!  To make him suffer… or, to make me feel good about myself… or, to make me feel in control?  I don’t want to be… owned.  But it felt so nice… just being liked… and cared about.  Without sex.  Being accepted for just being me.  BUT, sex is who I am!!!  These feelings are like … alien to me.  Just be his friend.  Right.  I don’t understand just being “friends”.

And these are the lost thoughts that occupy my mind.  I don’t know what I want.  I think of the Animal Sex we had.  So violent and so passionate.  Painful.  But we were in sync.  We both wanted it.  No.  Wait.  Jake didn’t know what he was doing.  Yes, we came together, and yet, we were from two different worlds.  And now that I think back it was always that way when we had sex.  It was just me.  There was no Jake.  It was like the Animal Sex was the culmination … the turning point.  And it was Animal Sex.  But does that make us animals?  And if Jake wasn’t there… then, that would make me… the only animal? 

Ivan called and said the next shoot would be outside again.  Great.  He actually apologized for the last shoot.  He had heard that I got sick.  He said no more shoots in the rain.  I didn’t tell him that, well, the last shoot turned out far better than expected.  He said the next shoot we would be dressed up like Pix.  What are Pix?  Old Scottish clan tribes.  They wore animal skins and carried swords and shields and bows.  Sort of like Vikings.  Oh, I know Vikings.  I watch that show.  Well, imagine yourself as Vikings then.  It doesn’t really matter all that much.  The shoot was going to be in some farmer’s field and at night.  But he promised there would be large heaters so everyone would be kept warm.  I asked if I could have a beaver skin outfit.  Sure.  Jake would definitely like that.  I was starting to look forward to this shoot.  Being a warrior princess!  I liked to dress up and imagine myself as someone else.  Oh, I said goodbye to Ivan and as usual, he said he would call back later with further details.

And so, he did.  I met up with Piper and Josie at the Mansion.  Our fitted costumes were already there.  And sure enough mine was like a beaver bikini.  It was nice and soft.  There was a personal trainer that gave us the basics on weaponry.  The weapons were just props anyway.  We had our hair braided and a tattooist tattooed our entire bodies with non-permanent ink.  I don’t understand the appeal of tattoos.  I know Josie has a snake that winds up her leg with its head hidden by her pubic hair.  That is kind of cool.  I have seen the head close up!  Jake showed up just as we were getting inked.  He asked how I was feeling?  I’m okay.  I really have no clue what to say to him!  He is so annoying!  Well, not really.  Jake took some pictures and I even managed to smile a bit.  Stuck my tongue out at him.  I asked him if he wanted to finger my beaver.  He just laughed.  I was serious!  So, I laughed too. 

After being fully Vikingized, we hopped in the van with our gear and adorned in animal skins and Jake drove out to the farmer’s field.  It was later in the evening and there were smokers and fires and yes, space heaters too.  An entire crew was set up with extra eerie like lighting.  The field and the woods around it were filled with fake smoke.  I wasn’t exactly looking forward to going into the woods.  It was possible there might be white rabbits.  But Jake was there and that was comforting.  I felt protected with him around.  And there was the crew. 

The woods were really creepy.  I gritted my teeth and we got to work.  Jake taking his photos of the DICE as warrior queens.  Warrior queens wearing hardly any clothing brandishing weapons they knew hardly anything about.  We emerged from the woods like vicious stalking hunters who would probably scream at the site of a mouse.  The smoke wrapped around our tattooed bodies and cast haunting, swirling shadows.  Jake just kept snapping his photos.  Lighting was hardly needed as there was a full moon above the field.  We then took a little break and stood by the heaters.  I could see bats flitting around in the moonlight.  Someone brought out some fake blood and we applied it to our arms as if we had been in some major battle.  And then we posed again in our best warrior like poses.  Blood dripping from our swords.  I had a lot of fun.  In fact, I almost forgot that we weren’t Vikings.  I didn’t even think about sex.  We did expose our tattooed tits and an oily based blood was lightly sprayed on us.  We even had blood dripping from our chins!  We looked fierce!  But it was still late Fall and even with the heaters, the air was cool.  Jake finished his photos and there was a place where we could wash off most of the blood and some of the tattoos. 

The crew was left to clean up.  And Jake drove us back the Mansion.  On our way, he asked if we wanted to go for some pizza and sodas.  Yes!  More time to spend with Jake!  I was so caught up with being a Viking princess, the time just went by incredibly fast and I wasn’t thinking about Jake.  Like at all.  So, this was perfect.  Jake stopped at some pizza joint and we took a booth.  I sat across from Jake.  I thought that was safer.  Safer from what???  We ordered Hawaiian pizza and soda pops.  We started telling stories of growing up.  We laughed and Jake talked a lot about Easter Bay and hunting and fishing and exploring and his parents and animals … did I say he talked a lot.  Oh, Piper and Josie talked too.  I can’t exactly remember what they said… I told them… really, I was speaking to Jake… how I was an orphan and told them, Jake, about my adoptive parents and how they were nice and treated me well.  Blablabla…  I don’t remember talking that much with anyone about my life… but Jake, did seem genuinely interested… in me.

And then Jake said the strangest thing.  There were only three more shoots left.  And everything just stopped.  We just looked at each other not saying anything.  And finished our pizza and sodas… It was like a magical moment had just disappeared and was replaced by … reality. 

Jake drove us all back to the Mansion.  Nothing was really said.  I had intended to have Jake help me get cleaned up, but for some reason I changed my mind.  Even though the thought of his hands on me was very hard to resist.  And if he did help me wash off the tattoos, then we would end up having sex… and somehow, that just wasn’t appealing.  Jake even asked if we needed any help getting cleaned up.  But we said we were fine and he could go home.  And then, he asked again!  Piper and Josie gave him a brief hug.  And I whispered in his ear Thanks for everything Jake.  And kissed his cheek.  He seemed a bit disappointed.  But I watched him as he drove away.  What the hell was I thinking??? 

We went inside and soon we were in the shower washing each other.  The shower was nice and hot.  And I did enjoy touching Piper and Josie.  They both had some nice flesh.  I wasn’t really into sex though.  There has to be something wrong with me?  This used to be my thing!  And I kissed them, and fingered them, and licked them… but it wasn’t doing anything for me!  And I think they knew that.  No full-on fuck mode.  And why the hell wasn’t Jake here???  After all the times we have been naked together in the shower under the guise of helping us clean up, this was like the one time we could have used his help!  I mean I am naked in the shower with Piper and Josie and I am thinking about Jake!  But not sexually… I mean not really sexually.  I just wanted… him here.  God, he is so annoying!  Even when he is not here! 

And… there is only going to be three more shoots.

Piper and Josie ended up leaving together.  I decided to stay overnight at the Mansion.  By myself.  This was not how my night was supposed to end.  Alone.  I went into the master bedroom where Jake and I… had been together.  The bed seemed so empty and lifeless.  I was wearing the shirt I stole from Jake.  I could smell him.  I got under the covers and curled up in a fetal position.  It was soon all going to be over.  I wanted Jake to be here with me, but I was glad he wasn’t.  What was I going to do?  Have I become obsessed?  With Jake?  And what would happen … when it was over?  How was I to keep going on with my life? 

I cried.  I sobbed.  I cried myself to sleep.

I was swimming.  In a lake.  The water was warm and I seemed quite buoyant.  I swam easily like I was made for the water.  There was a dock and I swam around it.  This way and that.  I guess I was exploring.  I dove down into the water.  This was fun.  Finally, I walked out onto a beach like area.  The sun was warm and it felt good.  I looked up the hill and noticed a young boy watching me.  Oh well.  I wandered around the beach picking up things.  I ended up sitting down and when I looked up the hill again, the young boy was gone.  He must have found something more interesting to look at than me.  I went back into the water and decided to find some adventures at another part of the lake.  I swam away.